Fucking My Intern

Photo by Bella Howard

I fucked another one of my interns. No wonder I can’t keep them around for very long. It’s awkward to ask someone to organize your external hard drive after you’ve had their genitals in your mouth. That’s just a fact.

If you remember, a few years back I had that goofy teenage boy intern, Stan, who I met at my local supermarket and who ended up briefly moving into the squat I lived in in London. When we met he was living in a depressing, one-bedroom council flat with his grandmother, and I said he could crash with us on account that he did random things for me for free whenever I asked him to–update my blog when I was too drunk to type, organize my underwear drawer, act as my human foot stool, insert my tampons, etc. It was cool for a while, but then I ended up half sleeping with him–or more like quarter sleeping with him, really (I never properly finished anything back then as I was always on so much ketamine)–and then everything went to shit. But then even after he stopped working for me I never kicked him out, because I’m too nice, and so he just stayed around and went on to sleep with practically everyone else we lived with, both male and female. The dirty little whore. (Keep in mind that there were twelve us of living there and we didn’t have a shower.) So he essentially became our squat’s personal, teenage sex slave. But whatever, that’s another story. And one I’ve already told.

My new intern has been working for me for about a month. She recently graduated from NYU, after which she emailed me saying that she would love to help me out in any way possible, noting that she was looking for a fun way to fill her free time before attending grad school at Harvard. At first I rejected her, as she is obviously under qualified for the job. However after she begged me (and showed up for our first meeting covered in bruises left by a fuck-buddy who likes to bite her), I gave in and said OK. 

The intern is an extremely upbeat, busty 22 year old with the sort of long beachy hair and bright white American smile that make it painfully obvious she grew up in California. She talks really loud and fast, most of the time about her future goal to create a cosmetics line free of unsafe ingredients, that doesn’t test on animals, and that contains some sort of nut butter that will benefit the economy of various poor areas of Africa. Or something. Sometimes when she’s talking I think, “Wow, she’s such a good person, I wish I cared more about Africa or whatever.” But then like five seconds later she’ll start rambling about how she recently puked on someone at a rave and I’ll think, “Actually never mind, you’re just as disgusting as everyone else.”

I like her a lot and we’ve become good friends, but to be honest she doesn’t even do that much work for me because since she only graduated a month or so ago she’s always too busy partying to care about transcribing my stupid interviews. Normally our text convos go something like this: “Hey Intern, I have an interview with an adult baby for you to transcribe,” and then four hours later she’ll say, “Sure, no problem! I have plans for the next eight straight days but I can totally do it afterward,” after which I just give up and do it myself. But then last week when I texted her “Hey Intern, your assignment for this week is to help me fuck my boyfriend,” she immediately replied “OMG sounds AMAZING! When? I’m totally availz whenever!” to which I responded “You’re an insane whore,” followed by, “No offense! That’s why I hired you, duh!” to which she replied, “OMG obvs NBD!”

The threesome was a going away present for my boyfriend who just a few days ago moved away to Boston for the entire summer to study some complicated science stuff at Harvard. (Apparently Harvard is “in” right now.) So now I’m sad and alone at my apartment staring at my air-conditioner, feeling depressed about the fact that I’ve literally already watched every (good) porn movie on the internet multiple times over. No but seriously, I’ve been feeling sort of like a desperate, dependent loser these past few days. When did I become this person? Like I keep going through the same thought loop over and over where I’m like, “Oh my god I’m so lonely, this summer is going to suck,” to then later thinking, “Hold on, I’m a powerful, independent woman who doesn’t rely on anyone or anything, I haven’t even thought about my boyfriend in hours!” and then looking at the clock and realizing it actually hasn’t been hours at all, it’s only been twenty minutes and I was napping during the entirety of it. Tragic.

But anyway, those are my feelings. I feel a lot better now that I’ve put them out there for a bunch of internet strangers to read. Feel free to vomit your feelings into the comment box below if you feel so inclined.

Comments

comments

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60 Responses to Fucking My Intern

  1. Alexander Elam says:

    OMG, I’ll totally be your intern. Also, I’ve been eating just eggs for like 11 days now. Do you know any cool ways to make money in NYC for someone who has no skill set? Also, I saw you at this Tao Lin reading in that tiny apartment, where there was too many people and it was way too hot and I was on an MDMA comedown accidentally and I spent most of the reading trying to figure out whether it’d be harder to climb out the window and make it to the ground without dying or Mind-Over-Mind myself out of having a panic attack but you totally look way pretty irl.

  2. Sylvia says:

    Over half the people who have ever had jobs want to fuck their bosses. It’s a power thing. THAT is just a fact.

  3. karleyslutever says:

    Why is the “like” button on this broken?? Obvs I want to “like” my own post!

  4. Mimi says:

    Absolutely no description of the act of fucking your intern. WTFs

  5. MikeIDon'tEven says:

    i wish i can vomit my actual vomit here

  6. Casey says:

    You should just visit him in Boston and come hang out with me. We can have a threesome, unless you guys are over it. Plus my name is gender neutral, so whether or not I’m female (and/or young and/or hot) can just be a surprise. Either way just visit him in Boston, because it isn’t that far.

  7. Casey says:

    why is this cat my picture

  8. HGB says:

    “It’s awkward to ask someone to organize your external hard drive after you’ve had their genitals in your mouth.” – white girl problems

  9. owen says:

    is this eventually going to become a tasteful porn site?

  10. Gabe says:

    You whore, hire me! I just graduated from a shitty university, not sure if it’s even a university but wtvr — Duh, qualified! I’m like a trained dog, I also say no to drugs and alcohol when you’re looking and I’m organized!!! You can even put a leash on me (oOoohh, tempting!!!) I love clothes too, I can be your stylist…featuring thrift store couture with built in tampon. Oh and also I’m uncut and a stinky half-virgin and an aspiring little twink writer. Lol, but srsly, if you need a new intern I’m raising my hand. *wink*

  11. john says:

    And how did the threesome go? you guys liked it?

  12. kinkyunicorn says:

    thanks for that, karley !! my thoughts twirl around the same tree; “don’t be sad when he’s on holiday/away, you’re an independent woman blablah”, but honestly, being independent doesn’t mean you can’t miss someone. in fact, you are strong enough to let him go abroad.. cheesy line, obvs… duh!

  13. jc323 says:

    why not embrace the fact that you miss your boyfriend…it’s such a normal problem to have…cruise up to MA and visit him…dependency is a win win situation for a relationship…you show a little here, he shows a bit there…what you think is so wrong is so normal…

    p.s. fotos of the interns tittayys, please…

  14. Brittany Paul says:

    quit self-loathing and get over yourself <3 but i guess that's hard to do when your job is writing about your life…also, why didn't you take aurel's advice when you interviewed her and only have a threesome with people you don't love? unless you're not in love w/ your bf, in which case that'd totally make sense…

  15. lane says:

    I know you’ve already had a threesome with you bf before, but how do you make sure things dont get jealous? What do you feel when he fucks the other girl when you’re there? Or is jealousy part of the adrenaline rush with threesomes? I need your advice whether I could emotionally take a threesome with my bf or not.

    • karleyslutever says:

      I think if YOU want to do it then you should do it. I like the dynamic because I enjoy sleeping with boys and girls so it’s hot for me. And I suppose I get off on the fact that he’s turned on by watching me fuck a girl. But I would say it’s potentially best to fuck someone semi disconnected from your everyday lives. Although that’s not always the case. But I think finding the right 3rd person is important, and you will be able to tell when you do, ya know?

      • lane says:

        yes but what I meant is, what are your feelings when it gets down to him and her? Does it turn you on? Does it ever get to that? Him watching me with a girl turns me on cuz i know he is turned on, but im afraid me watching him with another girl is going to make me vom. Are your threesomes more about the bf being a spectator/somewhat involved in lesbian sex of his gf, or is he involved by doing actual fucking of the other girl too? And if so what do you do/feel while he’s fucking the other girl?

        • karleyslutever says:

          Well, if you think of it this way: I wouldn’t want to watch a video of someone I was dating fucking another person. That would make me want to vom too. But if you’re in a group sex situation where everyone is fucking then you’re all doing something together and it’s just sexy and fun. And usually you’re not just sitting back watching your bf fuck someone else–you’re all involved somehow the entire time, generally. I think it takes a mix of the right circumstances for it to work. You have to have the right 3rd person–someone that isn’t going to make either of you feel jealous–and the couple has to be secure enough in their relationship to allow someone else in. But if thinking about doing it makes you want to vom, I say don’t do it! There’s no point if it’s not going to be fun, ya know?

  16. randy cox says:

    i think you should re-name your blog ‘Totallyinlovewithaguywho’stiredoffuckingme-ever.’
    ‘Slutever’ is starting to seem like completely false advertising, all you do is talk about your boyfriend and how he doesn’t want to fuck you. You can’t have a blog about being slutty if you sort of were slutty in your early twenties. Everybody is slutty in their early twenties! Will you just continue to write about experiences that grow ever dimmer in memory, and other people’s slutty-ness? and abstract slutty-ness?

    • karleyslutever says:

      Well it’s difficult for me to respond to that because it seems like you fundamental misinterpreted everything written in the post.

      • randy cox says:

        perhaps i did fundamental misinterpret everything……perhaps i did……

        • karleyslutever says:

          Well I don’t think this is a blog about “being slutty.” It’s a blog about sex. So if you are somehow disappointed that I don’t live a sluttier lifestyle, then I’m sorry, because you will continue to be disappointed. And nowhere in the above post was I complained about, or trying to communicate that my boyfriend doesn’t want to have sex with me. That is not the issue. So yes, it does seem that you are slightly confused.

          • randy cox says:

            well…there is something a bit confusing about a sex blog called ‘slutever’ that has nothing to do with being slutty. however! i don’t want to be hurtful; there’s often a spicy and challenging tone to these conversations in general so i let it rip. but you seem to be genuinely bumming about your boyfriend being out of town and it’s shitty to rip on you for that. i like you and your blog! no harm meant.

    • xxx says:

      lol didn’t you read the post where she explains the origin of the word slutever you dumbass

  17. Heather says:

    I find the problem with boyfriends, is that you miss them while they’re away and then the moment you stop missing them and readjust to being a functional human being again, they pop back up. It’s like, so annoying – either your penis is a permanent fixture, or you start chipping in for all the classy porn I have to watch.

  18. ii6V7I says:

    come to alaska. you’ll never have to shave your armpits again.

  19. Cat says:

    I think that if you’re bored and lonely in NY you should take the classic american road trip only slut it up a little and interview some weird sex freaks while you’re at it.
    A friend of mine is using the Amtrak 30 day pass or something like that to go from Boston to Florida to Georgia and so on.
    I find that when I’m vacationing I don’t miss nobody.
    If you’re worried about finances for such an extravagant trip you can always ask an internet slave (at least it seems like you can) to pay for it and post about how you’d like to stay in people’s homes for free. I’m sure people all over would jump at the chance and I’m moderately sure that all of them can’t be murders.
    I’m living in Boston now but I’ll be moving to Texas in a couple of weeks so you can totally crash with me in H-Town (where I’m from originally) and I can probably introduce you to some friendly anarchists and the like.

    Just a fun project suggestion.

  20. Honey says:

    in the past few days, I’ve fallen madly in love with your blog and your archives, and you obviously. let’s be sex-writer brothers-in-arms. sisters-in-arms. sex-havers-in-arms.

  21. H says:

    Is there any girl on EARTH who has had a 3some with a GIRL because SHE really wanted it?

    You obviously only did it to desperately try and keep your man happy, a man who obviously who shows scant regard for you, which you seem to perversely relish in. He is not only raping your ass, but your heart too Karley.

    I love you Karley, I think you’re intelligent and witty, but one day you’ll look back and see that you’re promoting a regressive, ignorant view of sex and gender on this blog.

    • YOU'RE SO DUMB says:

      holy shit you are such a dumbass i had to turn into one of those internet trolls! way to perpetuate oppressive dynamics in gender roles by suggesting that she likes fucking girls for any reason other than because SHE wants to. if you were a LOYAL reader you’d OBVS be aware of the fact that she likes fucking girls and has expressed that since she started writing this.

      • YOU'RE SO DUMB says:

        ADDITIONALLY- i can think of a casual thousand million trillion girls that would joyously partake in a threesome because they really want it. your blatant ignorance contributes to the gnar stereotypes that are created to make ladies feel less comfortable expressing their desires, including “hey boyfriend i want to have a threesome with you and another girl”

  22. duende says:

    lol. i just graduated from Harvard last month. but i’m not sure i’d have left you for it. by that i mean, i’d simply have employed my advanced, military-grade hypnotism techniques to convince you to come along.

  23. James Andre says:

    well why dont you just have him coming back for a week end to Ny. You dont get too much work on summer schools in Harvard. I mean, that would be independant lady alike. And if you offered him a threesome, he sure can take a plane. what do you think?

  24. CL says:

    this blog is starting to be a bad infuence on my sex life.

    god i love it.

  25. Mars says:

    You know. Strip away the complications. As far as I interpret, You come off as just a sweet girl. You may desire “this” or “that” but when it comes down to it you are simply pleased to fuck your boyfriend, no matter. Thats why people read your blog. A solid, natural balance, of sweet and, uuuuuhhhh, Str8 naughty. Not unlike many mens dreams. A slut, only for them.

    • second person says:

      but what happens when a chic is “a slut only for them” for every guy she sleeps with? she’s a fucking slut, no matter

      • -- says:

        what meaning does the label have if noonecares? if you don’t want her bc of your judgement of her past life then move on, elsewise luv’er

      • Lala says:

        @second person Only an insecure man would say something as asenine as that. The past is as close as yesterday.

        • second person says:

          you people. i am not talking about karley, i am talking about any woman who might be a slut for her man at the time, many times over. also, i am female.

          also, i myself have been the slut more times than i can count so i should know a little about all this. jesus fucking christ help the people.

          • -- says:

            a slut is a slut is a slut

            What was the purpose of what you said? Did you want to get into the label debate: this person is a very sexual person, she only connects to others in a sexual way? Did you want to compare the dichotomy of sex for men and for women (oxytocin levels) and intimacy vs sexual pleasure… (blurred lines honestly as a man i don’t find sex inspiring of love)

          • second person says:

            i didn’t have a purpose of what i said (it wouldn’t let me reply on his post down below)

            sometimes, i just like to write shit

          • second person says:

            oh wait, yes i did. i meant to say that when i am with a dude, i fucking bring it on like i am the fucking best master of joy/sex/pleasure. it doesn’t take a boyfriend to do it. i am a slut… er, i was. i actually want a one person relationship now.

        • second person says:

          oh an karley or wordpress or whoever or whatever put this dang picture of a man for me ( a stupid idiot man for that matter)

          maybe she is sick of me and that’s why i got the image. other people got cats

          i do know that i change my name all the time on here, so that might be why i got a DICKWEED pick-cha

          • lala2 says:

            you’re not that guy??? that’s so funny. i was always like “wow, this redneck/if i squish my eyes looks like he went to vandy/frisbee golfer really likes slutever”

          • second person says:

            ha no, not that guy! :)

  26. -.- says:

    Hi Karley

    PLZ make a post about Dev/Blood Oranges sexuality.

    TELL US why “Dev Hynes” and “blood orange” pops up with “gay” on google.

    ppl want to know. i want to know – me (straight) girl wants to know/my friend (gay) wants to know. oh, and google wants to know as well.

  27. Erik says:

    I never know what anyone is talking about in these things.

  28. jj says:

    what’d you quit? I feel like you can put a penis in you ass, mouth, or vag. then you can put objects up there. then you can get beat up or beat people up. you can whiz and poop on people. you can wear funny clothes. dating is hard, since nobody is a psychic. prostitution is lucrative or it can be expensive, right? what else can you say about one topic. post more nudes, people feel like they know you now and that’s like a blog fetish.

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