Future Sex Love Sounds

ET phone home…

I get a lot of vibrators in the mail these days–a perk of being a “sex writer” (barf). I appreciate all the gifts, but I think my clit is potentially becoming desensitized. I’m scared that if I keep going on this way, pretty soon I won’t be able to make myself cum using my own hand. Is that possible? I guess I could Google it, but I’m too lazy. Feel free to make unresearched speculations in the comment box below.

The strangest vibrator I’ve received thus far is definitely the Hello Touch by Jimmyjane, pictured above. It’s very Terminator-hand meets ET meets Spaceballs, set in a retro idea of the future. The way it works, as you can probably guess, is that those little pads on the finger tips vibrate, allowing you to stroke either yourself or your parter normally, except with added vibrating goodness. According to the package, the resulting sensation is “supernatural.”

When I first opened the box I was like “WTF is this?” Obviously. Despite having other Jimmyjane toys that I really love, I just couldn’t reconcile the idea of having sex with a battery pack strapped to my wrist. It just felt a bit too un-cute, if you know what I mean. However, a couple days ago my gf and I decided to give it a try, mainly because we were both really hungover and thought it would be lolz. (And also because we were too nauseous to go down on each other. Eww?)

She strapped the thing on first. As she used it on me I was pleasantly surprised. The feeling wasn’t wildly distinguishable from most other vibrators I’ve used, but what was great was that she could easily touch more than one part of me at once, without having to juggle two vibrators at the same time, which I suppose would be the alternative. Also, if you’re feeling adventurous, you can even stick the thing inside you and put the pad on your g-spot. (And I use the term “g-spot” very lightly, as I’m almost positive I don’t have one.) 

After a few minutes I got impatient and strapped the thing on my own hand. (But not before washing it first! Lesbos should have safe sex too ya know!) This was when things got really fun. Here’s why: When you put the machine on, the vibrations of the pads numb your fingers, and as a result you can touch yourself without it feeling like it’s you who’s doing the touching. Does that make sense? Like because your hand is numb, it creates the feeling that you’re being touched by someone else, rather than by your own hand. It’s really strange, but also feels amazing. (Almost… supernatural? Lol)

One small downfall to the Hello Touch is that the sound it makes is kind of annoying. It sort of sounds like when a fly gets trapped between a screen and a window. Although most vibrators sound annoying, to be fair, and at least this one is on the quieter side, especially for how powerful it is. Seriously, why are so many vibrators so loud? I have the Rabbit but I can’t bring myself to use it. It makes me feel like I’m masturbating inside a blender.  

Overall, if you can get over the cyborg aspect, I recommend trying this. You can even use it in the shower, as confirmed by this funny instructional pamphlet that comes in the box.

Oh, side note. This lube is great. I just got two boxes of it in the mail. I wish I could share some of it with you, not because I’m generous but because I feel embarrassed having two large boxes of lube next to my bed, like I’m suffering from menopausal desert-vaj at the age of 27.

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7 Responses to Future Sex Love Sounds

  1. ~sarah p. says:

    The future is HERE.

  2. lourozas says:

    This is the best review of a sex toy I have ever read. Also, I thought it might be expensive, but it is just 65 dollars. I might just get one.

  3. archie says:

    Oh, man! I want to try but doesn’t seem a little hospital-y, with the strap on the arm and everything?

    Also, I had a Hitachi that I masturbed with all the time, and I got so lazy that I never wanted to use my fingers. With the Hitachi, I could cum while doing my taxes, so it’s like, why even bother? Then, one day, I used my fingers, which means I had to get in the mood, and it took longer + slightly more effort but SO MUCH BETTER – I came so much harder! I stopped using the Hitachi regularly because it made it harder for me to come with my hands, and also harder to come with someone else (I am not using that thing with others – it sounds like there’s a jet plane going off, and that is impossible to take seriously). Vibrators are cool but nothing beats using your own fingers at the end of the day IMO. I don’t think you should worry about desensitizing it permanently, as your clit will probably always recover, but I think does desensitize temporarily.

  4. fashionputtana says:

    Looks like I’m adding this to my list of “shit to buy”. It sounds great but in this day and age having USB rechargeable vibrators why didn’t they go that route? And your clit will be fine just let it acclimate to the pressures of your hand. Maybe have a sharing contest for the lube?

  5. jonathan valdez says:

    USB charged Hello Touch would be cool.

  6. mightzi says:

    i hope youre making duckets from these posts! i like the way you write the ad so that it doesnt smell like bullshit (even if it is).

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