Gay boyfriends are so much better than straight boyfriends. They love you for who you are, they don’t mind if your tits look saggy, and they say things like, Baby you look fierce! rather than things like Fuck. I accidentally came inside you. Do you mind getting the morning after pill tomorrow? Actually, now that I think about it, I kind of wish I was a gay man. They have it so easy. And it would make having a gay boyfriend so much more feasible. Plus, gay boys are all so cute and funny and charming. That would be fun- to be cute and funny and charming, and to have a boyfriend who was equally as cute and funny and charming as myself. And we could make-out and hug and give each other blowjobs and talk about things like how much we love Girls Aloud and Diet Coke. Man, sometimes having a vagina is so depressing.
Because I’m not a gay man, however, I make due by constantly hanging around with loads of gays, pretending I am one. In some cultures they call this a ‘fag hag.’ I prefer the term ‘homo-enthusiast,’ and it is slowly but surely becoming my way of life. The best thing about gay boyfriends is that you can have as many as you like and it doesn’t constitute as cheating. I myself have many- all of whom represent a different part of the gay boyfriend spectrum. My main gay boyfriend for the past few years has been Matthew. He makes me breakfast even though I don’t give him blowjobs.
Although recently he went and got a gay boyfriend of his own (the nerve), whose name also happens to be Matthew. Freaks.
Other gay boyfriends include:
Dale- The whiney, complaining, affectionate one with whom I watch X Factor.
… and Dom- the bitchy, witty one whom I made fun of people with.
And my newest gay boyfriend- Jamie Taete (who recently legally changed his first name to Jame-Lee Curtis. WTF?). This is not a sexual love. This is more of a ‘I want to hug you and be around you and smell your breath’ kind of thing. It’s great. And when I wake up next to him and see his gawky little morning face I feel happy (a nice change from the burning pangs of sadness and guilt I normally feel when arising to the sight of a male face). He’s a photographer and takes pictures of things like celebrity’s garbage and himself puking on stuff. Being with him makes me think maybe I never need to have sex again- that maybe I could survive on his man-love alone. Sex is too abstract anyway. Gays are the future. Massive fan.