I’m a senior in high school, and I’m having an extremely inappropriate relationship with the boys’ soccer coach at my school. It’s been going on for 3 years now. A few weeks ago he told me that he loved me, and I just really have no idea what to say or do. He means a lot to me, but he’s a 27-year-old man and I’m 17. He has a wife and I have a boyfriend. He told me that he would leave his wife for me, but I never thought it would get to this point. I don’t want to end what we have because he does what I like sexually. My actual boyfriend refuses to do what I want in the bedroom because he doesn’t want to hurt me, but Coach is into the same stuff as me and the sneaking around makes it fun. If you have any advice I could really use it. Kate
First off, I’ll say that you seen very mature and self-confident for your age, which is such a cool thing. Secondly, I’ll say that your relationship with Coach is “inappropriate” from his end, not yours, and that you shouldn’t feel any shame about anything that’s happened. Also… well, maybe I should preface all of this by saying that I’m probably not the person to give you the most motherly or morally-sound advice… but you did ask me for help, so I’m going to tell you what I honestly think.
Despite you clearly being very smart and independent, what you might not understand now is that Coach is probably a pretty big loser. Any married adult who starts sleeping with a student at the school where he works, starting when she’s 14, can’t be too impressive of a person. I promise, when you’re older you will look back on this and laugh—it will be a great drunken anecdote—but you will also realize how tragic coach is, especially when you’re grown up and successful and even cooler and smarter than you are now.
When I was 16, I was sleeping with this 27-year-old guy—not my teacher, just a guy from my town. I loved fucking him. It felt so cool to be sleeping with someone so much older than me, and I loved that he was so sexually experienced, that he’d traveled, that we could have conversations that were far more interesting than the one’s I was having with the guys in my class, that he had chest hair (lol), etc.. We had sex for about a year. I had a lot of sexual “firsts” with him, and I was definitely more sexually confident, and just generally better at sex, after I met him. However, even though I don’t regret what happened at all, looking back on that relationship now, I’m like “Oh my god lol, that guy was such a loser.” I couldn’t see it at the time, because I felt very adult and on the same level with him, but in hindsight I know that I was still a child in a lot of ways, and under the age of consent, and that he was an idiot for sleeping with me.
I know you don’t want your relationship with Coach to end. However, it does feel like it might be coming to a breaking point. For one, he seems a bit delusional—like, he’s going to leave his wife for you?! How does he realistically think that’s going to work? Not only would he be fired if people found out that you were together, but he would also likely go to jail. He is the adult in this situation, and he should have been the responsible and not slept with you. This wasn’t your mistake, it was his. However, even though he’s the adult in this situation, it seems that you’re the only who’s acting like one.
This is a tricky situation. It might not be a good idea to continue seeing him if he’s threatening to leave his wife, which makes me think he could be a bit unhinged. Of course, he could just be talking shit to try and be romantic. You’re smart, so you have to ask yourself some serious questions: Do you always feel safe with coach? Do you think that if you stopped the relationship he would get so upset and could do something harmful to you? You’re the only one who can answer these questions. I think it’s valid if you want to keep your history with him a secret. However, if you ever feel at all that he could do something to hurt you, then you have to tell your parents and/or your school immediately.
Believe me, Coach is definitely not someone you want to be in a serious relationship with, and he’s also not the only guy in the world who can give you the sex you want. You’re clearly sexually progressive and experienced. Go out and find a new guy who fucks you like you want to be fucked. He can be older than you, he just shouldn’t be your teacher! (Although until you turn 18 I’d refrain from fucking someone too much older, because of annoying legal reasons.)