I Hate Hand Jobs

Now, I’m assuming I’m going to get a lot of people disagreeing with me on this one. But can I ask, will everyone who really, really loves giving hand-jobs please raise your hand? Okay, now put them down because you’re lying.

Just a reminder, we’re talking about giving hand jobs here. Receiving them is fine. It’s the reciprocating part that I’m not fond of. My personal hate for them has been magnified recently by the fact that my boyfriend thinks they are the number one best thing in the universe. And to be honest, I’m getting sick of being woken up in the mornings by a drooling, sweat-soaked monster croaking, “Rise and shine, baby. Wanna jerk me off?” Are you fucking kidding me? What happened to whispering sweet nothings? So, in response to this and all of the other horrific hand job episodes I have experienced in my life thus far, I have created a list of the top three reasons why I will never give a hand job again.

1. Realistically, he just wants you to give him head.

No matter how good you are with your hands, you know all he’s really thinking is: when is this bitch going to stop messing around and just put it in her mouth already? You know it’s true because without fail, somewhere in the midst of jerking him off he will inevitably grab your head and slowly start easing it down toward his groin. He’ll be very sly and delicate about it, as if he’s trying to trick your tiny female brain into thinking that maybe he isn’t really doing it at all, but that the real reason your head is slowly making its way down toward his love-pump is that deep down in your subconscious, you really, really do want to suck him off.

2. They make your hand smell.

Have you ever smelt your hands after giving a hand job? Holy genitalia! The stench is blinding. It’s like a mix of seafood and decaying wood. And then to top if off there’s always that sticky build-up of saliva that gets caught between the webs of your fingers. This is from all the times you had to spit on your hand for lubrication over the past twenty minutes. (The worst is when you run out of spit and have to lick your hand with your dried-up, swollen tongue but still no moisture comes out so you just have to keep tugging on his dried-up, brittle dick like a helpless dick-slave. Gross.

3. They’re so junior high.

How old are we again? Maybe hand jobs were acceptable when we were, like, 16 and the idea of poking at each other’s crotches for half an hour still seemed exciting. But surely by now we can think of something slightly more creative to do. Like fisting for example… or dressing up like traffic wardens and sticking parking tickets up each other’s assholes. Or something even cooler that no one has even invented yet.

I originally wrote this for my friend Prancehall’s blog, Hate is a Strong Word

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3 Responses to I Hate Hand Jobs

  1. Fanny Minka says:

    No, there is one thing worse… the complicated handjob. Maybe it’s just me but I seem to attract the boys for a simple hand party ain’t ever enough. It’s always something like twist my nipples / balls / put me in a headlock / hold a gun to my head AND wank me off at the same time. Maybe this is why women can multi-task…

  2. kgro says:

    “It’s like a mix of seafood and decaying wood.”if your boyfriend dick smells like that maybe he should have that look at thats not normal.and second on a guys point of view yes handjobs are so 8th grade.what are we at camp jesus.just fuck me already im 23.but i think im enjoy give a girl some finger love way to much.

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