Rants, Feelings & Opinions

I’m Gay I Guess (Life is Hard)

April 19, 2013
Follow me on Instagram, I’m @karleyslutever

I’m randomly gay now. I feel very oppressed; life is a daily struggle. My girlfriend and I get evil glares in the street, Christians throw rotten fruit at us, we’re not allowed in certain restaurants, and although we can get married in our (very hip and progressive) home of New York City, as a whole our country is not really supportive of our (potential) desire for a legal union, and therefore I hate America now. So I’m leaving.

I’ve decided to escape to Europe for a couple of months. I haven’t spent any considerable amount of time there since I moved to New York from London almost three years ago now (eek–time flies!), but as of this weekend I will be living temporarily in Paris. My gf will be coming for part of the trip too. Very “romantic” (barf). The gay stuff isn’t actually the reason why I decided to leave. I, of course, am aware that idiotic homophobic people exist in France too (WHY can’t you just accept us for who we are?! We were born this way, GOD!), and that there has been a string of recent hate crimes in Paris connected with French parliament’s current debate over the gay marriage bill. However, hopefully as of next week gay marriage will be legal in France! Yay! A win for Team Us!

No but seriously, it’s actually lolz how much more concerned I have become with gay politics since dating a girl. Like last week, while watching a series of Youtube videos regarding Prop 8, I came across that famous video of Dan Savage talking about anti-gay bigotry at a high school journalism convention (the one where all the Christian high schoolers walk out when he starts criticizing the bible). I was watching the video in my kitchen, and it was making me weirdly emotional, and then in walked my roommate (who by the way is also gay–we roam in packs). And so she was like, “Are you OK? Why are you crying?” And I was like, “Oh, I’m just generally crying for gay rights. I care about this stuff now, because I’m gay.” And she just laughed at me and said, “You’re not gay, you’re just slutty. There’s a difference.” And I was all, “Uhh… excuse me, is this a hate crime?!”

One interesting thing I’ve discovered since crossing over to the dark side is that gay sex is a lot more inventive than straight sex. Since “normal” P-in-V fucking isn’t an option, you have to be creative, and think up other ways to get off. Like I realize the question, “How do lesbians have sex?” seems sort of stupid and naive, but I honestly wasn’t entirely sure of the answer when I got into this. I know that people throw around the term “scissoring” a lot, but let me just tell you, that straight-up doesn’t work. And of course there’s oral, but you’re not always in the mood for that, and it’s also so one-sided. Taking turns giving and receiving pleasure is cool occasionally, but usually it’s the most fun if you’re both getting-off together, ya know? And the same problem exists with strap-ons. I did give in and buy a strap-on a couple months ago, because I was like, “This is what lesbians do, right?” but we barely even use it. It can definitely be fun, but I tend to get self-conscious when she’s fucking me with it, because I feel like she’s bored and it just doesn’t feel like anything for her. Stressful.

So, what’s the solution? Well, the majority of the time we just do hand related stuff, but again, it’s hard to do that effectively simultaneously, because you really have to concentrate and put in some effort if you want to make someone cum with your hand, and like… it’s just hard to find a position where you can both touch each other’s clits and not be awkwardly lying on each other in an uncomfortable position or whatever. See–ughhhh, being gay is hard! However, we’ve recently adopted a new way of fucking that is my favorite yet. Basically, this new method just involves us being in our underwear and grinding up against each other. I Googled it, and the technical term for this is frottage. (Good word, right? Very glamorous/French.) So essentially, what happens is that we simply lie on top of one another and rub our crotches on each other’s legs. It’s surprisingly effective, and it’s very safe STD-wise, because you literally don’t even have to be naked. And I’m pretty sure you can’t get pregnant from it either.

I was recently talking to my gay guy friend about this whole “inventive gay sex” thing (him and his boyfriend are both gay librarians–cute), and he saying how it’s difficult for gay guys because obviously it’s not always the “right time” to have anal sex. And I was like, “Oh, have you guys tried wiggling around on top of each other in your underwear?” and he was like, “Um… no…. but sometimes we masturbate together while holding hands.” I was like, “Aww, total cute alert!”

Anyway, I will soon be live-blogging my frottage encounters from Paris. I got some tips on hot Parisian sex parties and sex shops to check out too. Also, if you’re in Paris and want to invite me to cool stuff, email me here: karleyslutever@gmail.com <3

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33 Comments

  • Reply LOL April 19, 2013 at 5:57 pm

    You’re only gay for the attention. Lesbihonest. (see what i did there)

    • Reply Duh April 25, 2013 at 2:19 pm

      She’s only [____] for the attention. It’s not like she writes well.

  • Reply Rachel April 19, 2013 at 6:00 pm

    I’ve heard “You’re not gay, you’re just slutty” before as well. The persistent heteronormativity in our culture never ceases to blow my mind.

    • Reply Kate April 20, 2013 at 1:35 pm

      alhtough in her case, it might be true.

  • Reply Matthew Stone April 19, 2013 at 6:03 pm

    Weird… I tried to click a link to an article on a disabled squirrel who had learn’t to paint (honestly) and FB reloaded my attempt here. Cool you will be in Europe!

    • Reply Lou April 21, 2013 at 3:14 pm

      Do you have a link to the squirrel thing ? They are my faves.

  • Reply Paris April 19, 2013 at 6:09 pm

    Loving your recent entries, sounds like you’re having a fabulous time. It’s so much easier to have sex in public too! Pervy guys on nights out are SO ANNOYING though. My gf and I recently acquired this strapless strap on. It feels really good if you need a deeper fuck… And the person using it also gets turned on from using it through some (somewhat stagnant) penetration and clitoral stimulation. And this particular one is great for lesbians that fantasise about having a dick! Try it! The company got awarded for making such a great sex toy – also it was designed by lesbians :D http://www.amazon.com/Funfactory-Share-Dildo-Baby-Rose/dp/B002B55WZU Bon voyage! Xxx

  • Reply Yes Homo April 19, 2013 at 6:18 pm

    Welcome to the darkside! Lesbian sex roolz! :P

  • Reply A. Whip April 19, 2013 at 6:29 pm

    Hey, don’t completely rule out scissoring! Nothing gets me off like feeling someone’s warm wet clit or sopping mucus membrane sliding up against mine… the idea of it is nice too. It’s tricky but it works if you are meticulous enough to get the angles just right, where you are comfortable and everything is properly placed. Just ramming your pussies into each other with no real formula will almost always result in a sub-par scissor or, if you’re unfortunate like me, some kind of awful twat injury (seriously, pussy bruising is a thing). If you’re looking for another kewl way to get off at the same time, try your normal humping jam, but carefully place a vibrator between yourselves. The bigger, the better.. Hitachi is great for this because it won’t just slide away and you can both keep a good grip on the handle to move it around when you need to. Ok. Anyway, hi…. …………………………………………. awkward.

  • Reply Elanor April 19, 2013 at 6:31 pm

    Scissoring takes a whole lot of practise and precision. But you can make it work eventually if you don’t give up after a few minutes.

    ^^^ Also what the above poster said. ^^^

    There is also a strapless strap on called a ‘feeldoe’ which is really fucking good. There is a lesbian porn site dedicated to it called ‘straplessdildo’. There is a vibrating version (the part that goes inside the wearer vibrates) but there is a non vibrating version also.

    Anyway it seems like you are getting back to your nomadic self which is going to be awesome to read about.

  • Reply jesse April 19, 2013 at 8:19 pm

    You should know that Dan savage is p much a bucket of dicks and he’s particularly dickish towards bi ppl such as your lovely self

    • Reply WR April 20, 2013 at 3:02 am

      Yep and towards women in general, because he thinks being gay absolves him of misogyny.

      Photos of you and Lessa in Paris requested!!

      • Reply word May 20, 2013 at 6:13 am

        AND trans people AND people of color.
        t-t-t-turd bucket.

  • Reply Christie April 19, 2013 at 8:43 pm

    Will u just be in Paris or will you be moving around Europe?

    The post as well as the comments are so interesting for me. I never really thought about the intricacies of lesbian sex before. I even sort of wonder why gay guys have it so easy in comparison, like, what divine being decided that gay sex should be straightforward for guys and complicated for gals?!?? big questions!

    It’s cool that you’re gay now. Reading this kinda made me think about when you got arrested for homophobic assault.

  • Reply Yeah April 19, 2013 at 8:48 pm

    I don’t think you’re gay necessarily, you’re just so comfortable with your sexuality that you can be with whichever and not go through some big identity crisis. ( idk maybe you have, haven’t read your blog in a year…)

  • Reply Spookymuffin April 19, 2013 at 9:26 pm

    You can actually buy strapon harnesses that have pouches in the clitoral area that you can fit a (smallish) vibrator in so it isn’t so one-sided. Just fyi; strapons aren’t everyone’s thing, but I kinda like them.

  • Reply Car April 20, 2013 at 7:06 am

    How the hell are you surviving in paris, are u going to squat there again? Or is your new gf a rich bitch/pimp? Xxx anyway yeeey

  • Reply L.D. April 20, 2013 at 2:14 pm

    Ooh, cool! Would love to have a romantic coffee with you or whatever next time I’m in Paris.

  • Reply Lise April 20, 2013 at 2:53 pm

    Haaaan I would have loved to run into you in Paris but I won’t be there this week end !! Have fun, be careful with all the anti-gay marriage thing ’cause people are getting more and more violent and there are protests everywhere. (Basically don’t go near the Assembly or whatever place where “important” people discuss the law)
    xx

  • Reply mightzi April 20, 2013 at 5:21 pm

    have fun!
    i don’t see you as full-blown one-sided lesbian either. i see you, like me, as someone who is so sexually liberated that she’ll take it from whomever, because love is the answer. and, it doesn’t matter where that love comes from. sex is just an added bonus to some love feelings.

    i can’t wait until you go to paris! i will def be living vicariously through you!

    also, you should post on your instagram when you have a new blog post up, bc then i will know to come look at the blog. oh, and other people will be able too.

    • Reply karleyslutever April 20, 2013 at 8:35 pm

      OMG good idea re Instagram. And yeah obvs I still like boys too. I think what we are is called “grey area.” ??

  • Reply Eletricalmonkss April 21, 2013 at 5:04 am

    I’m sorry you have to deal with this idiotic ignorance now. Haters gonna hate

  • Reply steph April 22, 2013 at 2:40 pm

    I am completely loving your blog lately, it’s like vintage slutever! For a while there it got really shit, it seemed like you were genuinely vapid rather than just being ironically vapid. But I don’t really know, whatever, I love where it’s all going and it seems like you’re saying what you really think again. This is awesome because you are actually fucking hilarious at times.

  • Reply Annie April 23, 2013 at 12:55 am

    Frottage in cute european lingerie sounds looooovely <3 grey area is the place to be x

  • Reply raggedclown April 23, 2013 at 9:09 am

    Oh Karley !…There’s SO MUCH hate towards gays in France these days…and it’s not going to stop until months because of the anger of those “printemps français” activists. Every day on the news there’s news reporting injuries or demos. They literally monopolize the attention on them, though a great part of the french people is actually in favor of gay rights ! So be prepared ! Anyway Paris is still such a groovy city, I hope you’ll have a good time there ;)

  • Reply jorge April 23, 2013 at 3:36 pm

    saw you on DIIV // “Wait” video. cheers.

  • Reply betsy April 25, 2013 at 5:56 am

    one question, how does your mom feel about all of this?

  • Reply Pedro April 25, 2013 at 1:15 pm

    was gonna ask to intern for you. missed that window. Enjoy Paris.

  • Reply Ann April 28, 2013 at 11:13 pm

    Your roommate is onto something. You’re not gay, you’re just identity mongering.

  • Reply S May 9, 2013 at 3:29 pm

    When you think of scissoring you probably imagine lying opposite each other. That works, but it also has limited body contact. Tribadism or “trib” (rubbing pussies against each other) is best done in missionary or cowgirl. You need to watch some Sinn Sage movies. She is the best at it and easily covered in sweat at the end. She explains the technique at length in the interview for Girlfriends Films “Lesbian Sex 8” for example.The best way is one girl sitting on the top and pulling one of the other girl’s legs up and against your shoulder or pushing the legs back towards her head. Then you can straddle her pussy kind of diagonally. Sort of like this:
    http://thumbs.free-matures.com/tubegogo.com/d/a/c1/c1090dfd.jpg
    You can then also lean down for kissing

    There are also strapons with internal attachments or vibrators. And some women can orgasm just from the base of the strapon pushing against the clit, but that’s probably the exception.

    • Reply S May 9, 2013 at 4:07 pm

      Oh, and because in missionary the hip bones usually get in the way, if she is flexible enough just push both her legs back towards her head. Then lay on top and you can put your pussy on hers. Or the other way around :p

      Tribbing definitely works, but as noted by someone else already you need to figure out the right positions to get proper alignment. And then sustain contact instead of just bumping into each other.

  • Reply Avery May 10, 2013 at 7:07 pm

    Karley! I lived in Paris for two years & have tons of info on where to hang out, shop, eat, shoplift etc! Should I email you?

  • Reply Brit May 11, 2013 at 9:21 pm

    I’m pretty sure us Europeans call ‘frottage’ dry humping. Unless that was only ok to say as a thirteen year old virgin.

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