In Search of Freak Boyfriend


I love you

I’m into freaks. Really tall, deathly thin guys who look like they’re dying, deaf guys, guys who seem like they might have a slight mental retardation – basically anyone who looks like they were bullied at school. However, since immersing myself within a universe of hipster trendoid fucktards, I sometimes find it difficult to meet the sort of guys I’m looking for. So, in search of my freak boyfriend, I’ve put an ad up on gumtree.com advertising my love of genetic anomalies.

My ad reads as follows:

Sexy, twenty-three-year-old curvy girl seeks hot, weird-looking guys/general freaks. Into tall and very thin. Between 17 and 45. Preferably deaf.

Since posting the ad three days ago I’ve already had over 50 replies. Apparently the internet is full of freaks. Who knew? The problem is that practically everyone that’s gotten back to me thus far has been gross losers with scary abnormalities or sick fetishes, rather than the freakishly hot misfits I so desperately desire. Here are a few highlights of the responses I’ve received:


I love you (too)

Freak 1:

Hiyya!
read your add intrestin
im a 19 m indian from london
unfortunate for myself i hav a left boobie becuz of high hormone levels
lool i no
but this level also makes me keep goin on for ages
get bk to me if your interested
xxx

Freak 2:

Does havin a really small dick count as a freak? haha
No but seriosly u sound nutty and I like that
A bit older than you specified, am 47.
Iranian and viewed by english people as very strange to say the least!!!!!
Im boring alone. its been 3 months now I haven’t touched a lady so im lookin forward to your call!!!!

Freak 3:

I’m a thirty three year old male with a muscle wasting illness.
Skinny, white, good looking. Into strange fetishes and weird sex.
P.S. on breathing machine part time, interesting sometimes.

(I’m actually quite into this guy – we’ve been talking.)

Freak 4:

My dad’s deaf. And he’s here. Call me.

Freak 5:

I’m a horny freak into whateva, scat, piss, sick, u name it
29 m from London
Not selfish, will keep u satisfied- night in West London hotel paid for be me
Into dark haired girls who into scat is this u?

Freak 6:

Hey im 24 years old male from south London. blonde, average build
can’t always get it up, lol. but will eat your pussy 4 hours
Use mobility scooter to get around. Give u a ride if u want, haha
Call me horny as fuck

See what I mean? I don’t want to fuck anyone with a shit fetish or a dysfunctional dick or a fucking boobie. Or anyone supporting the casual usage of the term “LOL” for that matter. I just want a NORMAL freak – someone like Gummo or Dudley from The Royal Tenenbaums or Gareth out of The Office or that kid in the wheelchair from The Secret Garden.

Back in the nineties I would have had my pick of these beautiful losers. But then bastards started making films like Napoleon Dynamite into massive mainstream girl-boner flicks, and now the freak bar has been raised. Normal girls date freaks, freak girls eat phsychopaths’ excrement, jock girls fuck trendoid fucktards, and jock guys fuck hookers (but only if there are three other jock guys fucking her simultaneously). Sex has gotten weird.

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15 Responses to In Search of Freak Boyfriend

  1. Doughboy says:

    Freak 3 sounds like a winner to me. he gets my vote, but it depends what speeds Freak 6 can get up to on his mobility scooter. Personally, he's more likely to impress other guys. I'm certainly jealous. I really want to sit down when I'm waddling around Asda.On Freak 5 – he can keep you satisfied all night – does that mean that he probably takes lots of diareahha (a word I can't spell) medication prior to meeting? How else is he going to keep plopping all night? And if he likes pooing so much, why is it important that the girl has dark hair? That seems a little off-topic, frankly.Other than that – talk dirty to Freak 4's dad.

  2. annachronic says:

    Oh my gosh! – I always fancied the boy in the wheelchair from the secret garden too!

  3. Lauren says:

    I love The Secret Garden! We have it on VHS somewhere…

  4. loren wuzzo says:

    i fancied the boy's wheelchair.. you don't often see wicker wheelchairs

  5. Braindance says:

    My 9 year old daughter was studying the secret garden for school, it was the book they all had to read for a term.One of the projects set by the teacher was to write a newspaper report relating to a part of the book.My daughter's heading was:"Garden has affect on cripple"Her connotation marks, not mineI like to think I am doing my job well.

  6. oh god… hard to admit but i've always had a crush on the guy from "road trip"/"the new guy". i don't know he's got something… well he's kinda cute maybe i'm attracted by freak boys

  7. Elton says:

    cripple in the wheelchair isnt really a cripple. unfortunately, i know him and i thought you should know a few tidbits about him:a) he's not really a crippleb) he's a pretentious Shoreditch rich kidc) he works for a marketing company but says he's a journalistd) he's not that talle) he has the same personality as his character the cripple: sour, sour sourxo.

  8. i love the little caption about the freak on a breathing machine, 'i actually quite like this guy' go for it girl…updates on freaks please..

  9. c ksd11 says:

    there are no jock fucks you stated in England, wtf is a fucking jock anyway?funny, though

  10. c ksd11 says:

    there are no jock fucks you stated in England, wtf is a fucking jock anyway?funny, though

  11. c ksd11 says:

    there are no jock fucks you stated in England, wtf is a fucking jock anyway?funny, though

  12. biddypunk says:

    I like freak 3 as well. I should start using my nebulizer instead of an inhaler and attract some similarly afflicted person. We could tie each other up with our hoses and cords.

  13. I'd defo bang Gareth from The Office. You're not alone there my friend. Also Dwight from the American Office…he's a hot freak.

  14. Kate Moross says:

    I know the guy from Secret Garden, he's not in a wheelchair anymore, he works for Don't Panic now, he's really nice and has pretty eyes.http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&VideoID=33718263He's the guy talking to me at the end.

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