Jesus Loves Me?

Yesterday, after a long hard day of sinning, I arrived home to find this not-at-all terrifying van parked outside my house. I decided to text the number on the van and ask this mysterious employee of Christ some questions that have been nagging at me for some time now. This is the text message conversation that ensued

Your van is hilarious.

Van Man: Yes, but seriously warning.

Thanks for the warning. Let me return the favor. Are you familiar with the saying, ‘don’t believe everything you read’?

I agree with that, but not when it regards Jesus, your soul, or the burning lake of fire that Jesus dedicated his life to save us from.

Can u tell me this? If Satan likes evil people so much, why would he torture them in hell? Surely he’s just doing God’s work for him.

Don’t forget that Satan was a servant of God. He has no love for anyone. He has nothing to lose so his weapons today are deception, lust of the eyes, flesh, and pride of life. He had me for twenty-two years of my life! Now he is terrified of me because Jesus lives inside me. Would you accept Jesus as your savior tonight?

Mmm… I’m not sold yet. What about this- if your spouse dies and then you re-marry, which one do you spend eternity in heaven with? Is the afterlife just one giant, eternal three-some?

We will not need to get married in heaven to anyone but Jesus. Old things are passed away. We will be like the angels who worship God 24/7. We will be the brides of Christ. But are you Born Again? Ref. MATTHEW 22 v 24-32.

So is it wrong to fancy Jesus?

Physical or sexual attraction will be ungodly and satanic. Our love for Him should only be demonstrated by trust and obeying His word. Not any further. Remember that He is a spirit and not physically around.

Yeah but I have a painting of him where he looks like a total babe. Is this a bad influence on me? Should I get rid of it? Or alternatively, should I ask my friend who’s an artist to paint over it to make Jesus look uglier? Like maybe make his nose a bit crooked or something?

I know that you’re just pulling my leg! Well, Jesus lives in our hearts and not on the wall picture. Hug him in your heart by dedication, worship, and service.

How many priests do I have to fuck to get into heaven?

He didn’t have an answer for this one.

If I make it into heaven can I hang this picture in my bedroom?

He just stopped answering me at this point…

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7 Responses to Jesus Loves Me?

  1. LaWeez Hynes says:

    Preachers will be the death of me. If theres gonna be a god in my life its gonna take the form of ushers cock so FUCK OFF

  2. God this was an EXCELLENT post, K. I laughed so hard!!

  3. i also texted this number.i asked them the question which he didnt answer to you(how many priests) he replied with -”none brother. all u need is to believe on d lord jesus that he suffered and died 4 ur offences. it’s so easy to be saved or lost forever! where would you want to be in 100 years from now? Heavens gates are closing soon! come off d fence. Cheers!”i then replied with “i’d rather fuck a priest. do condoms really give me aids?”to which he/she then replied why do you want to live forever in hell because of a few minutes of pleasure? it’s up 2 u if u think this is all a joke. it wouldn’t take long 4 u 2 discover jesus’ true abilities. ive ran out of mi txt allowance. all d best”god clearly doesn’t work seeing as i’m the one with free texts.

  4. eliza says:

    haha! brilliant. loved this.

  5. Blunderbitch says:

    i live in the bible belt. can i borrow some of your lines?

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