Do you miss me when we’re not together?
No seriously, do you? Because I miss you all the time.
Even if it’s just for one day?
I miss you when I’m not looking directly at you.
Come on, I’m being serious.
That’s why my eyes water in my sleep–I’m crying because I can’t see you.
I hate you, actually. I was trying to be serious, for once.
I am being serious.
Whatever, you’ve ruined the moment.
I didn’t realize this was a moment.
Well it is. All moments are potential “moments” and you’ve ruined this one.
Well, OK then.
Actually, it annoys me how much of a robot you are. You are an emotionless, condescending robot with no friends. People call you an awkward, arrogant asshole behind your back.
Well now you’re just being a bitch.
Who cares, you’re mean to me all the time.
When am I mean to you?
You were mean to me this morning, you told me that I don’t know anything about anything.
Well it’s not my fault that I can’t reference anything about the current state of the world without you having no idea what I’m talking about. It’s like you live under a rock. You didn’t know about the oil spill until two weeks after it happened. I don’t even know how that’s humanly possible.
OK, I admit not knowing about that oil spill thing was bad, but that was a weird period for me. I wasn’t leaving the house much.
Wasn’t leaving the house? It’s called the internet. It’s called being curious about the world around you and having an interest in things other than your own vagina.
God, you’re such a self righteous prick, I can’t stand to be around you. Just looking at you makes me want to die.
Well that’s unfortunate because I find you so pleasant.
I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that. What I said was horrible.
I accept your apology.
Aren’t you going to say you’re sorry too?
For being an asshole to me! For talking down to me, like you always do.
I did not talk down to you. You wish I did. You are just foaming at the mouth, waiting for me to say something mean to you so that you can be offended and become hysterical.
That’s not true. I find arguing very emotionally draining, actually.
It would seem that you thrive on it.
Well I take back my apology, I’m not sorry.
So that’s why you were apologizing? Just to get me to apologize?
No, I meant it, in that moment. But I expected you to be nice to me in return. That’s normally how arguments work: one person takes the high road and says they’re sorry, and then the other person follows suit.
Well I’m sorry if you, in being overly sensitive, were offended by what I said. But I am not sorry for what I said.
OK well I stand by everything that I said, too–I think you are a condescending robot–however I’m sorry that I said it out loud. That was rude of me.
I’m fine with that.