Rants, Feelings & Opinions

Meaningful Conversations

May 3, 2012
Photo by Nan Goldin

Do you miss me when we’re not together?

Yeah.

No seriously, do you? Because I miss you all the time.

Yes.

Even if it’s just for one day?

I miss you when I’m not looking directly at you.

Come on, I’m being serious.

That’s why my eyes water in my sleep–I’m crying because I can’t see you.

I hate you, actually. I was trying to be serious, for once.

I am being serious.

Whatever, you’ve ruined the moment.

I didn’t realize this was a moment.

Well it is. All moments are potential “moments” and you’ve ruined this one.

Well, OK then.

Actually, it annoys me how much of a robot you are. You are an emotionless, condescending robot with no friends. People call you an awkward, arrogant asshole behind your back.

Well now you’re just being a bitch.

Who cares, you’re mean to me all the time.

When am I mean to you?

You were mean to me this morning, you told me that I don’t know anything about anything.

Well it’s not my fault that I can’t reference anything about the current state of the world without you having no idea what I’m talking about. It’s like you live under a rock. You didn’t know about the oil spill until two weeks after it happened. I don’t even know how that’s humanly possible.

OK, I admit not knowing about that oil spill thing was bad, but that was a weird period for me. I wasn’t leaving the house much.

Wasn’t leaving the house? It’s called the internet. It’s called being curious about the world around you and having an interest in things other than your own vagina.

God, you’re such a self righteous prick, I can’t stand to be around you. Just looking at you makes me want to die.

Well that’s unfortunate because I find you so pleasant.

(…)

(…)

I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that. What I said was horrible.

I accept your apology.

Aren’t you going to say you’re sorry too?

For what?

For being an asshole to me! For talking down to me, like you always do.

I did not talk down to you. You wish I did. You are just foaming at the mouth, waiting for me to say something mean to you so that you can be offended and become hysterical.

That’s not true. I find arguing very emotionally draining, actually.

It would seem that you thrive on it.

Well I take back my apology, I’m not sorry.

So that’s why you were apologizing? Just to get me to apologize?

No, I meant it, in that moment. But I expected you to be nice to me in return. That’s normally how arguments work: one person takes the high road and says they’re sorry, and then the other person follows suit.

Well I’m sorry if you, in being overly sensitive, were offended by what I said. But I am not sorry for what I said.

OK well I stand by everything that I said, too–I think you are a condescending robot–however I’m sorry that I said it out loud. That was rude of me.

I’m fine with that.

Comments

Comments

You Might Also Like

53 Comments

  • Reply Gayby May 3, 2012 at 7:30 am

    Always gets me when they say ‘ok’ calmly. On the other hand I’m assuming boys are anti to mod-shakespearean talk, like duh

  • Reply jeanpool May 3, 2012 at 7:37 am

    All moments are potential “moments.” — the words of a true romantic.

  • Reply RW May 3, 2012 at 7:38 am

    Starting think that the only emotions Hammy can offer in a relationship are “condescending” and “bored”

  • Reply dalas v May 3, 2012 at 7:53 am

    Seems borderline autistic.

    • Reply Julie May 10, 2012 at 12:58 pm

      Dan Savage had a podcast all about Asbergers last week.

      • Reply karleyslutever May 10, 2012 at 9:42 pm

        OMG I’m going to listen right now! Thanks for the tip!

  • Reply alex May 3, 2012 at 8:18 am

    I’m constantly flipping between loving my boyfriend so much that I could explode, to hating him and being a psycho bitch, to loving him again in the course of ten minutes. I’m glad to know I’m not the only one.

    • Reply berry pie May 3, 2012 at 8:10 pm

      thats not harmonious and probably not healthy. theres a guy out there that you can love so much to explode with all the time w/o the drama of the roller coaster highs and lows. it really doesn’t have to be like that

      • Reply Christie May 3, 2012 at 11:15 pm

        part of the problem is that the two aspects of this relationship feed into each other. i know it’s a major problem but if a guy i’m with is respectful and too nice i can’t feel excited. yet that doesn’t mean i don’t hate the fights…

      • Reply sam May 4, 2012 at 12:54 am

        What fantasy planet do you live on where relationships are harmonious and healthy 100% of the time?

  • Reply Nathan May 3, 2012 at 10:31 am

    Must be difficult dating someone whose smarter than you. I don’t meant that as an insult. Not saying that he’s emotionally smarter, just more intelligent in a very rational way. I wouldn’t say he’s necessarily robotic, it’s just that he’s already processed your opening gambit ‘do you miss me’ and like a champion chess player has already mapped out your next 5 moves. This most likely bores him because he probably sees it as being superfluous to his feelings for you and an unnecessary exercise. So with that boredom comes arrogant and robotic replies because to him, it’s a maze he’s navigated before. He knows how to get to the end. I think any guy that has been around women long enough knows the ‘do you miss me’ game, it’s pretty basic. Next time you get into an argument instead of facing each other confrontationally try sitting side by side. Looking at your shared world and the world at large together. It’s much more fun.

    • Reply Jane May 3, 2012 at 8:17 pm

      Yes. Like. Want to be my life coach?

    • Reply chanty May 5, 2012 at 6:38 pm

      are you an expert? or just an overlooked genius?

  • Reply KD May 3, 2012 at 11:03 am

    hi…!! i’ve been readin ur blogs 4 a long tym…n i find dem vry intriguing, n d way u talk abt things dat others dont, so kudos..!! keep up d gud work :)

    • Reply Tanner June 2, 2012 at 3:02 am

      Are you retarded?

  • Reply gunderscores May 3, 2012 at 11:16 am

    It’s a cliché but it’s also true; boys just think differently to girls. Like, to him it’s important to keep up with current events (which it is, can’t say I do though) and to you it’s important to recognise “moments” (which it is and I like making them to). Like, you’re both right and stuff, but then it turns into an argument for no reason really… Sorry, I’m not trying to like analyse a relationship that I know nothing about, but it’s just for me, most of the arguments I have with my boyfriend are because of our gender-biased mental processes X( Stupid, but true!

    • Reply ben May 3, 2012 at 6:08 pm

      This seems to be a normal relationship dynamic regardless of gender/sexual orientation. Two men and I’m assuming two women would have identical conversations to the one above. Sorry, I just really hate gender stereotyping.

      • Reply Christie May 3, 2012 at 11:17 pm

        i’m with ben

      • Reply chanty May 5, 2012 at 6:39 pm

        yep!!

    • Reply Charleigh May 4, 2012 at 12:57 pm

      Ewwww FUCK YOU and your regressive opinions on gender! Grow up, read some shit and start being a fucking person instead of a “girl”

      • Reply Charleigh May 4, 2012 at 12:58 pm

        so yeah totes with ben on this one

  • Reply berry pie May 3, 2012 at 12:49 pm

    did you record this or just improvise from memory the conversation?

  • Reply berry pie May 3, 2012 at 12:55 pm

    oh and the whole conversation could have stopped right in the beginning when he answered your initial question if only you just believed him. perhaps you don’t believe him. or maybe you do and you just want him to show his love for you more. if that is what you want, you could ask him to show a little more affection or that you need him to be a little more emotionally available to you. when we keep things simple by asking simple questions and demanding simple answers instead of dramatic ones, relationships can become less painful. being assertive instead of being aggressive, or passive, or worse: passive aggressive, is the way to go.

    • Reply dalas v May 3, 2012 at 10:45 pm

      Right on.

  • Reply Stachelbeere May 3, 2012 at 1:24 pm

    I follow your blog quite a while now, I love your creativity and I admire your writing skills.
    But I have to agree: It would be great if the topics could be more diverse sometimes. For example I would have loved to hear your opinion about the International Womens Day.
    I like you blog anyway, hope you can see this as constructive critisism! The world is also very interesting =)

    • Reply karleyslutever May 3, 2012 at 8:13 pm

      I would rather die than write about International Women’s Day.

      • Reply dalas v May 3, 2012 at 10:48 pm

        haha

      • Reply tess May 3, 2012 at 11:30 pm

        hahahahahhahahahaha

      • Reply Lala May 10, 2012 at 4:21 am

        Second that.

  • Reply Maery Elise May 3, 2012 at 4:39 pm

    Is this really how your relationship goes? With Hamilton? Fuck.
    He seems like such a sweetheart. So do you. You probably need time apart. I’ve made the mistake of living with my boyfriend twice, for a year both times (different guys)…. Shit never ends up pretty.

    I’m still desperately in love with my first, though. After awhile I wanted too much attention, we both grew to be entirely too jealous and over-protective and eventually he just completely ignored me and I had the grand idea of cheating on him.
    I will never forgive myself.

    With all that said, Karley. I feel your pain. This excerpt from your life, your relationship (I’m only guessing it is), is like a direct quote from my past love and I’s old conversations.

    Sigh…………

  • Reply egore May 3, 2012 at 7:36 pm

    I think the point that’s being made is that relationships are dumb sometimes. No matter how smart you are, relationships are full of “meaningful” conversations about who misses who more, or arguments about whose turn it to buy soap. you can tell from the title of the post that she’s being ironic. But I’m sure Karley loves having a line of people just waiting to get into therapist mode every time she posts an ironic blog post.

    • Reply Honey Monroe May 4, 2012 at 12:29 am

      Yeah, blog blog blog… Reap reap reap such an indie schmindie fabric one weaves and however impressive, just like the emperor and his new clothes, everyone will have something to say, except that the substance does not exist. What I mean to say is I agree with you entirely, but also that Karley what you write is interesting and resonates because it is so so normal and vanilla, but in the way that like a green and blacks ice cream is compared to a readers mcflurry, I personally enjoy this blog, just how do you deal with the readers and vomit commenters? Can’t hate on the devotion of the congregation I guess, birds of a feather and all that. Good luck with the “writing” I guess….

  • Reply ghost May 3, 2012 at 8:05 pm

    god, i would have walked out on you, said i was going to get some milk – and never come back. unless of course i still wanted to fuck you some more… in this case, i assume that’s what the guy is thinking.

    (but then i’m a bit of a robot)

  • Reply g May 3, 2012 at 8:54 pm

    Karley, he loves you, and that’s it. It doesn’t have to be measured by the amount of time’s he says he does so or the amount of “moments” you have or the amount that he misses you when you’re not there. He just loves you. And there’s no way to measure who loves who more, its not even about that, because at the end of the day he is with you and you are with him and you love each-other, the rest doesn’t matter. You said it yourself, he loves you in his own way, and you HAVE to finally accept that because you two are completely different people, but after all you do share something in common, AND THAT’S THAT YOU LOVE EACHOTHER and are both invested in the same relationship.

  • Reply LC May 3, 2012 at 9:06 pm

    Weird that people are saying HM is smarter than you and that he comes across so condescending. Iv always found everything he does pseudointellectual at best. You might to stretch your vocab as far as him but your certainly more insightful.

  • Reply jebrosophat May 3, 2012 at 10:00 pm

    have you tried gently cupping his testicles

    • Reply Serafina May 4, 2012 at 1:12 am

      hahahahahaha! and I agree with the guy who says Hamilton is slightly pseudo intellectual….. my boyfriend is somewhat like that and my dad, very much so.. but whats the deal I can get away from that type of thing!!

      • Reply eggs May 4, 2012 at 1:20 am

        I find it difficult to believe that you could tell the different between a pseudo intellectual and an authentic intellectual considering you literally can’t even form a sentence.

  • Reply mac May 3, 2012 at 10:09 pm

    I love the tension. It seems like you keep trying to push him over but he stands his ground. You must have had wicked sex after this.

  • Reply karleyslutever May 3, 2012 at 10:19 pm

    I feel like a dork commenting to explain my own writing but this wasn’t meant to be, like, “tragic.” It was meant to be a funny example of the stupid conversations you have when you’re in a relationship, and how sometimes you find yourself arguing out over nowhere over essentially nothing.

    Although I always like the concerned comments, obvs.

    • Reply Jacqueline May 4, 2012 at 1:40 am

      Last week I was pissed at my boyfriend and told him to do the dishes, then asked him to bring me dark chocolate and be nice to me because I was bleeding, then felt bad for being a bitch and offered him a bj.
      X chromosomes make you crazy sometimes.
      <3

  • Reply K May 4, 2012 at 12:55 am

    I’ve had these types of conversations before. Even reading them months after breaking up is exhausting.

  • Reply yuk May 4, 2012 at 12:55 am

    It’s weird that people care so much about your stupid indie relationship.

    • Reply Coco May 4, 2012 at 5:25 am

      no one cares what you have to say man

  • Reply karly May 4, 2012 at 1:23 am

    These kind of posts always make me laugh. The dialog between you and Hamilton is always so similar to how so many conversations go between me and my bf. I feel like we take ourselves way too seriously sometimes, being in a relationship, so it’s awesome that you post this kind of shit and laugh about it!

    xoxo

  • Reply Charleigh May 4, 2012 at 1:07 pm

    the last argument i had with a (now ex) partner was related to whether or not it was shitty to throw a knife at someones head.

    • Reply karleyslutever May 4, 2012 at 3:13 pm

      Why am I not surprised Charleigh?

  • Reply a w May 6, 2012 at 1:22 am

    Dear Karley, I’ve been following your blog every single day for over 3 years now, and these are the sort of posts I love the most. Funny and intelligent and not just another interview with some weird person (although I totally get the fascination of talking to lots of different and interesting people). Please never start writing about International Womens Day. I’m a teenager and some times I fantasize about leaving home and getting adopted by you and Hamilton. And uh, quite a while ago I declaired you “my Tavi” in a comment at this blog, and I’m still serious about it

  • Reply Alex May 6, 2012 at 2:19 am

    He’s gas lighting you

  • Reply chains May 6, 2012 at 5:31 am

    Curious. Your vice shows are very entertaining, that one with that polyamorous cult was the best so far. I think you are over playing the dumb blonde stereotype though, when you are typing at your computer trying to sound dumb, are you trying or is that really you?

    The problem with blogging about your relationship is that everyone who reads this will be all up in your business. And the fact that you use your guy’s real name and he is known on the interweb will make the stakes even higher. SO you have 40+ comments to this one insignificant post SOLELY on the fact that its about your drama.

    • Reply a w May 6, 2012 at 2:29 pm

      the dumb blonde stereotype-thing?
      I think it’s called irony

  • Reply CatsandCrap May 6, 2012 at 3:33 pm

    Like I’ve always said, I could never date a guy that I’m smarter than.
    Hamilton is a dish. His oddness is his appeal.

    What would be interesting is to compare conversations of real dysfunctional relationships with normal boring ones like this. I’d much rather argue about burnt toast than argue about stuff that’s actually significant.

  • Reply valerie May 10, 2012 at 8:41 pm

    “Well it’s not my fault that I can’t reference anything about the current state of the world without you having no idea what I’m talking about. It’s like you live under a rock. You didn’t know about the oil spill until two weeks after it happened. I don’t even know how that’s humanly possible.”

    this pisses me off. :(
    no one else should dictate what is important information. he’s not smarter than you. he just knows different things. i know this might be an odd comment on a blog, you’re not asking for relationship advice. but he is acting like a condescending asshole.

  • Leave a Reply