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More Things I Hate And A Few Things I Don’t

August 1, 2009


Self portrait by Darren Cullen

As I’ve previously mentioned, irrationally hating things is one of my greatest pleasures in life. It just makes me feel good about myself. I can’t explain it. However, I do like some stuff on occasion. Here’s a list of a few things I hate, and I few things I don’t.

HATE: People Who Say Fierce (And Mean It)

i.e. stupid fashion kids and presenters on low rate “style” television shows aimed at frumpy suburban mothers. These people make me feel physically ill. The only person who can get away with saying ‘fierce’ and mean it is Tyra Banks, and that’s only because she’s a drag queen, whom normal people rules don’t apply to.

LOVE: Deaf Guys

So hot right now. The chicest accessory for fall. The only problem is I don’t know where to find them. Sleeping with a deaf guy has been on my To Do List for some time now. How can we make this happen people?! I didn’t learn the British sign language alphabet for nothing.

HATE: My Flatmate Hannah

Ugh she’s so annoying. Her stupid cats constantly piss all over my clothes and eat all of my food. This is because she’s never home to properly look after them. She’s always too busy off raving-out in random fields with her random raverdog friends who all have hair made of neon plastic and reflective cargo pants that make them look like eco-warriors from the future. Eww. I have no tolerance for people who are different from me.

LOVE: Cock

Simply could not live my life without it.

HATE: Flaccid Cock

A.K.A. the only variety of cock I don’t like. Thankfully I’m hot enough that I’ve never actually had to encounter one of these first hand, but I still hate the idea of them. The worst is when they have that weird excess foreskin hanging off the end like the limp head of a dead anteater.

LOVE: Gareth from The Office (UK)

I’m in love with him and his bowl cut makes me crazy and I want to put his skinny legs around my face and his emaciated chicken arms in my mouth. I even like the way he has those huge, dark bags under his eyes, that, paired with his ashen complexion, make him look like a skeleton dipped in wax.

HATE: Nazis

Seriously hate them. Although I do have to admit their style was fierce.

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6 Comments

  • Reply Matthew Stone August 4, 2009 at 7:19 am

    The way you try and casually use the "f" word at the end to round it off doesn't really work.

  • Reply alan August 12, 2009 at 6:19 pm

    I fucked a deaf guy.Afterwards I couldn't sleep because I had this feeling I'd done something terribly wrong. He never even called me.

  • Reply julia August 13, 2009 at 12:44 pm

    i agree with matthew

  • Reply Mystery Man December 31, 2009 at 4:23 am

    this blog is hilarious. ive spent all evening reading it while detoxing from the most horny drug and booze binge ive ever been on since i was like 19 and addicted to speed

  • Reply Louise January 3, 2010 at 5:25 pm

    I hate people different from me too. Why are they so weird and annoying?

  • Reply Aurelai Korinna Tatiana Vorea February 23, 2010 at 12:47 am

    Why does Hannah have cats?

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