Sex + Love Advice

Ask Slutever: Moving Out of the Friendzone, and Where to Find a “Unicorn”

November 20, 2015
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A couple want to find a unicorn for a threesome, and a high school girl wants to know how to push it to the next level with her close friend. By Karley Sciortino. Pic by Ellen Von Unwerth

I’m a 31 straight male and my girlfriend is a 30 bisexual female, and we just moved to NYC. We love experiences and are very sexual, thus finding a unicorn to share the night with is a huge turn-on. (We also have a somewhat open relationship, meaning we can both hook up with females separate of each other, but that’s besides the point of this email.) However, going out to bars/clubs and trying to find a unicorn just isn’t cutting it anymore. We put in lots of effort for too little success. Modesty aside, we’re both attractive, so that isn’t a barrier. Yet, finding a unicorn is like trying to find a needle in a haystack. Plus, it feels like “work” having conversations with numerous strangers with a specific purpose in mind, all the while hoping to discover they’re bisexual and single. We prefer to let things happen a bit more organically. But websites with no verification process, like Craigslist, don’t interest us b/c the ease of lying, using fake pics, etc.

Hello! Get on 3nder, an app specifically for helping couples find unicorns, and vice versa. I’m sorry, but I’m at a point where when people tell me they can’t find a boyfriend or a unicorn or casual sex or whatever, but then they say they aren’t on dating apps, I’m like: AHHH it’s 2015, people no longer meet in bars (thank god) and you have no right to complain because you’re not actually trying. Dating apps are literally the greatest invention of all time because you can find sex while in your sweatpants while simultaneously watching Scream Queens and eating Chinese food lying down. Life has never been better. We were born into a very exciting time. Take advantage of it. 

I also don’t buy when people are like, “I prefer something more organic.” Is the internet not organic? The reality is, whether you meet though an app or through work or a friend of whatever, the moment you sit down in front of each other and have a conversation, “how you met” no longer matters. You will still be two (or three) people sitting face to face, trying to make a good impression, and gauging if you have chemistry. 

Or, you can go to sex parties. NYC has a lot of them. Chemistry is one that people like. Also Killing Kittens is apparently OK but not amazing. There’s a lot more that are easily Googleable. Also, side note, why is your girlfriend only allowed to sleep with other women and not men? Seems weird. (But I guess if it works for you, I shouldn’t be judging.)

I’m a 17-year-old girl and I have a huge crush on L. He has a very sarcastic tone when he speaks and he teases me all the time but I find it so hot! I really want to be friends with benefits but I’m a little confused as to what he thinks our relationship is. With other girls he’s nice and flirty, but with me he’s dirty and sometimes rude (he’s a sarcastic person around his friends). I know he likes me as a friend but I don’t know what he wants. I’m a little confused if he’s trying to play hard to get, doesn’t like me or wants the same thing as me but is too shy to say anything? How should I approach him and tell him want I want without being super direct and state the facts? E.L.

OK I’m going to assume L is in your school, and therefore a teenage boy. Well, teenage boys are “special” (needs). Mentally speaking, the difference between a 17-year-old girl and a 17-year-old boy is like 30 years. If he’s being flirty and teasing you, he probably has a crush on you. And you sound like a confident girl who knows what she wants, which is the sexiest quality a person can have. But you’re right, being super direct like, “I want to have casual sex with you on a regular basis,” would be a little terrifying, considering I imagine this guy is still pretty sexually inexperienced, and also it might make you seem a bit Fatal Attraction since you haven’t even kissed yet.

The other day, I was having a conversation with a friend about how to turn a relationship sexual—not necessarily with a long term friend, but with anyone, like someone you met at a party, someone you’ve worked with, a new friend, an acquaintance, etc. First, there’s the Clueless way. As Cher famously said: “Sometimes you have to show a little skin. This reminds boys of being naked, and then they think of sex.” So you could just start dressing a bit sexy, but since you’re at school, it would be hard to communicate that your sexy outfits were for him specifically. My tried and true method has always been what I’ve cleverly named “the leg touch.” It’s so simple, and can be done “casually,” in a fleeting moment, ostensibly to emphasize whatever bullshit you’re saying, but really, putting your hand on someone’s thigh means “I want to fuck you.” Have you ever touched the thigh of someone you don’t want to fuck? Me either. However, the third method is the what my friend and I were recently discussing, which we decided might be the best method so far. If you want to have sex with someone, you should just talk about sex with them. Simple! It doesn’t have to be insane explicit stuff, like “I love anal” or whatever. But generally, initiate sexual conversions. For instance, reference something you find sexy in a person. A sex scene from a movie. Some hot porn you saw (if it’s the right moment and you don’t think the person is a prude who’s going to be freaked out by this). Once you get them talking about sex, you can push it a bit—ask them questions that will reveal what they’re into. Having a sexual conversation can definitely recontextualize a relationship.

 

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