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Obsession

February 8, 2010

I’m in love with every boy. Literally. Lately I fall in love more often than I take a shower. I’m constantly procuring new male obsessions–most of whom I barely know beyond a drunken encounter in nightclub or a vague internet friendship (and by ‘vague’ I mean we’ve never actually met, I just randomly discovered them during one of my extensive Facebook stalking sessions).

You see, I’m currently trying out this new thing where I refrain from having casual sex with with every person I meet (a truly inspired idea, if I ever had one). It’s my lame attempt to stop using sex as a shortcut to intimacy or whatever, which has essentially been “my thing” for quite a while now. It’s going alright. However, this recent lack of sexual gratification has caused me to go to the other extreme completely, and I now fall totally in love with every moderately attractive, slightly malnourished looking boy I see. It’s pathetic.

My latest obsession is with a French kid called Julien. I met Julien at a house party this past weekend. Upon arriving I spotted him sitting alone in a corner, chain smoking cigarettes and fiddling with his jacket in a nervous, self-conscious sort of way. Hot. He fit the bill perfectly–freakishly thin, big nose, sunken eyes, a general look of torment, etc. At first I was scared to speak to him, but an hour later, when he still hadn’t moved from his corner, I decided to introduce myself. His English was pretty bad. Still, I managed to learn that his name is Julien, that he’s twenty, and that he moved to London from his hometown of Paris six months ago, looking to “find himself,” or something embarrassing like that. Geeky, but also kind of cute.

After a few minutes of clumsily attempting to hold a cohesive conversation, I eventually just gave in and shoved my tongue down his throat (one can always rely on the international language of love). We made out for a while, until I suddenly felt something wet on my face. I pulled away to find that while we were kissing Julien had gotten a bloody nose, smearing blood all over both our faces. He immediately apologized, ashamedly explaining that he has a chronic problem with nose bleeds. I told him that I didn’t mind, and that I was actually sort of into it, but I don’t think he understood me. In my head all I could think was OH MY GOD I LOVE YOU.

As the party ended we walked outside to catch our respective buses home. On the way he got yet another nose bleed, after which I cleaned the blood from his face with my tongue. Probably not the smartest idea, but it was just so sexy I couldn’t resist. I wanted him so bad. Like, you know when you want someone so intensely you feel like you could literally devour them? Like the only way to satisfy your urge would be to physically cut them open and exist inside their body? It was like that. However, like I said before, I’m trying out this whole “non-slut” thing at the moment, so I decided to save the dissection-sex-blood-fest until next time and just ask for his phone number instead. Wait, is this is the new me?

It’s weird to think that all every boy really is is just some skin wrapped around a bunch of weird looking junk. It sounds stupid but it’s true. So how come so many of them have the power to make me so dizzy and obsessed and utterly consumed?

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13 Comments

  • Reply elocin February 8, 2010 at 1:32 pm

    erm… AIDS?

  • Reply Liz February 8, 2010 at 10:20 pm

    When I think the amount of money spent on educating people about sexual health and in particular AIDS I read your blog and despair!!

  • Reply Alika February 9, 2010 at 8:55 am

    oh my gosh! just two lame comments about AIDS?! seriously? well, i was fricken turned on. i don't know about the blood eating for me personally, but the devouring is totally understandable. i also need to add that this is my first time visiting your blog and i feel like you have a good understanding of the kind of "love" i sometimes get consumed in.thank you for this.

  • Reply Peter February 9, 2010 at 9:35 am

    Oh man… why can't you have a thing for short 40 year old men instead!

  • Reply Nastasia Alberti February 9, 2010 at 2:39 pm

    Grow up, she's not stupid about aids. Urgfff.And by the way it's not because you having sex with half of the world that you don't know what's a condom."So how come so many of them have the power to make me so dizzy and obsessed and utterly consumed?"I'm still asking this question to myself tho…But it's not so many of them. Actually it's just one every…Two year or something. But I still have the feeling to be utterly consumed because of that one…

  • Reply Seem a dream February 9, 2010 at 6:19 pm

    my life is like, so much cooler than this http://seemadream.blogspot.com/

  • Reply aysh February 10, 2010 at 6:52 am

    This particular brand of recklessness only ever came over me once. My first (divine, irrational) love cut his hand opening a can and said no, you shouldn't have any of this, I might have something (well, he was a junkie) and I said I didn't care, and I really didn't, and deliberately ingested the blood-stained contents. I wanted to show that I was happy, eager even, for anything – anything that was part of him to be part of me, come what may. I was 17 (I'm now 34)and and had no forsight, just too much of everything else.I would never do such a thing again. Long periods of drug use stunt your emotional and mental growth if you're not careful, and I worry that you're not using mature decision-making powers.Kisses, aopnetabl!

  • Reply aysh February 10, 2010 at 7:05 am

    Don't know where that 'aopnetabl' came from, sorry.Want to say that I empathise with very much (that's why I read your blog.) I have an impractical compulsion to make often 'unacceptable' and 'undesirable' individuals feel wanted, comfortable and important, at the expense of reality, sometimes. I still have that. It ain't a bad thing if you temper it.

  • Reply RT February 10, 2010 at 7:43 am

    Get real. Oral transmission of AIDS is highly unlikely.Lick away…

  • Reply Quentin S. Crisp February 10, 2010 at 11:43 am

    I've just bookmarked this blog. May cherubs accompany you invisibly on your rounds, ever ready to fire their arrows of desire, leaving sparkly traces in their wake as a sign that they have been.

  • Reply The Pervy Girls February 11, 2010 at 12:23 am

    uh aids? who cares? the 'non-slut' manifesto is what needs to be addressed here, eazy is so '010

  • Reply Leonard Miller February 11, 2010 at 1:32 pm

    some cunt the other day told me i fell in love with every girl i saw on the streetsit swings between love & pure white hatred depending on something – the moon cycle perhaps.i had a jacket when i was a kid, the zipper tasted like blood.

  • Reply androgyny August 14, 2010 at 2:10 am

    I love this post – I come back to it again and again.It is just beautiful.

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