Valentine’s Day: A Non-Cheesy Gift Guide

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Mystery Train <3

On Valentine’s Day, you should suck, but your gift shouldn’t.

Personally, I’ve always preferred being given a gift that’s useful, rather than something that feels like a thoughtless gesture (especially when that thoughtless gesture has like 40 grams of fat in it). Sure, flowers are pretty, but when your date shows up with flowers on a special occasion–an anniversary, V-day, a birthday, etc–that’s a surefire sign that he or she put no thought into your gift at all. Flowers are a nice gesture at random times, like, “I was walking home from work and impulsively bought you flowers” type of thing. But on V-day, you want to make a little bit more of an effort, ya know? (And that does not include chocolate–are you literally trying to sabotage me? WTF?!) Below are some gift suggestions that your Valentine will actually be able to use, and/or will at least trick them into thinking you’re somewhat sophisticated. 

1. How to Think More About Sex

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This book, written by the philosopher Alain de Botton, is an insightful, non self-helpy look at the intimate and exciting experience that is s-e-x. It makes a great gift because it’s both thoughtful and erotic, and the book itself looks very chic and festive. To quote de Botton, “The more closely we analyze what we consider ‘sexy,’ the more clearly we will understand that eroticism is the feeling of excitement we experience at finding another human being who shares our values and our sense of the meaning of existence.” 

 

 

 

 

 

2. A Lover’s Discourse

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This book, written by Roland Barthes, is of course a classic. But classic isn’t bad! I think this is a good gift for someone who you’re on the brink of getting serious with–it feels romantic and genuine, and it’s also one of Patti Smith’s favorites, which makes it #cool. The book is a series of “fragments,” some from literature and some from Barthes’ own philosophical thought, on a lover’s point of view

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

3. Bedding

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Bed are generally where people bang, so gifting bedding for V-day is sort of relevant, yet simultaneously extremely functional. Bedding is randomly expensive! It’s also the type of thing that people are often less likely to splurge on for themselves, so when someone else buys you really glamorous or cool bedding, it’s always exciting. I happen to like the prints of the bedding at Urban Outfitters, because I’m a hipster stereotype with an indie sensibility.

4. Bad Behavior

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This book of short stories, by Mary Gaitskill, is one of my favorite books ever. (I once wrote an essay about its influence on my early writing.) Bad Behavior is largely about sex–it’s honest, brutal and beautiful, and never cheesy or cheap. (Also, FYI, the darkly erotic film Secretary, starring Maggie Gyllenhaal, was adapted from a story in the book.) This is a great gift for someone who you’ve recently started dating, but with whom you haven’t yet reached your kinky potential.

 

 

 

 

 

 

5. Tenga Iroha vibrator

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What is better than the gift of orgasm? The Iroha is my fave vibrator of all time.

6. The Ethical Slut

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This book is a practical guide to polyamory, open relationships and other open adventures. So basically, if you’re trying to hint to the person you’re fucking that you don’t want to be monogamous, this is the perfect gift for you!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

7. American Ecstasy

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This hot and beautiful photography book, by Barbara Nitke, is compiled of artistic photos taken behind-the-scenes on porn sets in the 80s. This is the perfect gift for the slutty and/or perverted Valentine.

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Vagina Valentine Contest

Karley_Sciortino-37Look how cool I look! All the cool kids are wearing vaginas on their chests these days. You should too! Luckily for you, I’m giving away three Slutever vaj tees to the winner of the Slutever Vagina Valentine contest, yay!

Here’s what you have to do to enter:

1. Email a few sentences to karleyslutever@gmail.com about the best or weirdest or most romantic or tragic or grossest or lolzest thing that ever happened to you on Valentine’s Day. It can be a story about a V-day gift you gave someone, a romantic V-day evening you had, a story about how you spent V-day alone with your cats–whatever! However, it has to be 50 words or less. I’m very #busy and #important and don’t have time to read a Valentine’s novel.

2. Sign up to the Slutever newsletter HERE! I promise not to spam you! I only sent them out like twice a month (if that). But you have to be signed up to get a free shirt.

Submissions must be made by the end of this Sunday, Feb 8th. Next week I will publish the 3 best stories on my blog, and the winners will get a vaj tee! If you want to submit but you don’t want your real name published with your story if you win, that’s OK, but just let me know what pseudonym you want to use when you email you story.

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Slutever’s 5 Recommendations for Life

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I’m making this a regular thing! Below are 5 pieces of internet that I believe will make you a smarter, cooler, happier, more date-able person. You’re welcome :)

1. Appropriate Behavior movie

OMG you have to watch this, it’s so lolz. It’s a new movie written, directed by and starring Desiree Akhavan, who seems to be one of the coolest girls on the planet. My mission for 2015 is to make her my friend. The film is about a girl in her 20s in Brooklyn, who’s having relationship problems with her girlfriend, and who’s having trouble coming clean to her strict religious parents that she’s bisexual. Uh, hello, I RELATE TO THIS STORY! It’s now available on Amazon instant watch, yay! Rent it HERE NOW :)

2. Emma Watson’s UN speech

Has everyone already seen this? I feel like most of you probably have, but it’s just SO good, and even if you’ve already seen it, it’s probably worth a second watch. If you’ve been living in a void, last fall Emma Watson gave an incredibly moving speech at the UN about gender equality and feminism. Emma’s so badass. 

3. The Colorines band

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This is my favorite band! They’re a new band from upstate New York. I’ve had the song from the above video in my head for like a month. Below is their new EP, Fossil Fumes–my favorite songs from it are “Weirdo” and “Why Me?” and “Never Wanna Die.” If you want to buy their EP, or listen to their previous music, you can do that on the band’s website.

4. Amy Webb’s Ted Talk about online dating

This is one of my favorite Ted talks ever. If you think you’re a freak or an obsessive when it comes to online dating, well, you have nothing on this woman. In this talk, Amy Webb tells the story of how she hacked online dating by basically creating a personal algorithm to find herself a boyfriend.

5. 032c’s Interview with Vogue editor Sally Singer

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Sally Singer’s the best! She’s one of the most intelligent and stylish power women around, and she’s one of my editors at Vogue! I recently read this interview she did back in 2007 with the magazine 032c, and thought it was really interesting, and figured you might, too :) She talks about everything from what it means to “be Vogue,” to Warhol, to the fleeting nature of fashion. Read it HERE!

p.s. If you liked this post, check out my last recommendations post here :)

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20 Of The Best Things Ever Said About Sex

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Or, 20 of my favorite things said about sex, anyway :)

1. “I personally only like high-class escorts. I don’t like sleeping with people I really love. I don’t want to sleep with them because sex cannot last, but affection can last forever. I think this is healthy. ” – Karl Lagerfeld

2. “I’m devoted to promiscuity, and always have been. I believe the more you do, the better it is for you. I’m a great health nut, and sex is, I think, absolutely marvelous for the whole system; tones you up.” – Gore Vidal

3. “Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.”Woody Allen

4. “Sadomasochism has always been the furthest reach of the sexual experience: when sex becomes most purely sexual, that is, severed from personhood, from relationships, from love. It should not be surprising that it has become attached to Nazi symbolism in recent years. Never before was the relation of masters and slaves so consciously aestheticized. Sade had to make up his theater of punishment and delight from scratch, improvising the decor and costumes and blasphemous rites. Now there is a master scenario available to everyone. The color is black, the material is leather, the seduction is beauty, the justification is honesty, the aim is ecstasy, the fantasy is death.” – Susan Sontag

5. “Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power.” ― Oscar Wilde (update–I just realized this quote might be widely misattributed to Wilde… take note :)

6. “Eroticism is mystique; that is, the aura of emotion and imagination around sex. It cannot be ‘fixed’ by codes of social or moral convenience, whether from the political left or right. For nature’s fascism is greater than that of any society. There is a daemonic instability in sexual relations that we may have to accept.” – Camille Paglia

7. “Sex is what we use to provoke. If you pontificate about sex in a fanatical way, you’re a joke. But if you’re analytical about sex, it makes people very uncomfortable.” – Andrew Richardson (from my interview!)

8. “A liberated woman is one who has sex before marriage and a job after.” – Gloria Steinem

9. “In my sex fantasy, nobody ever loves me for my mind.” Nora Ephron

10. “After being alive, the next hardest work is having sex. Of course, for some people it isn’t work because they need the exercise and they’ve got the energy for the sex and the sex gives them even more energy. Some people get energy from sex and some people lose energy from sex. I have found that it’s too much work. But if you have the time for it, and if you need that exercise—then you should do it.” – Andy Warhol

11. “The only unnatural sex act is that which you cannot perform.” – Alfred Kinsey

12. “It’s been so long since I’ve had sex I’ve forgotten who ties up whom.” – Joan Rivers

13. “If it is the dirty element that gives pleasure to the act of lust, then the dirtier it is, the more pleasurable it is bound to be.” ― Marquis de Sade

14.“Don’t try to have sex like a porn star. When you’re having sex on film, you need to angle yourself a certain way. Doing that at home… it’s just going to be awkward.” – James Deen

15. “Catholics have more extreme sex lives because they’re taught that pleasure is bad for you. Who thinks it’s normal to kneel down to a naked man who’s nailed to a cross? It’s like a bad leather bar.” – John Waters

16. “Sick and perverted always appeals to me.”Madonna

17. “I am determined and ready to be a commodity that fulfills everyone’s fantasies.” – Sasha Grey

18.  “The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.” ― Woody Allen

19. “I have always been principally interested in men for sex. I’ve always thought any sane woman would be a lover of women because loving men is such a mess. I have always wished I’d fall in love with a woman. Damn.” – Germaine Greer

20. “I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.” – Gore Vidal

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