Photo by Matthew Josephs
I’ve never been on a blind date. The whole idea of it is just so embarrassing; I don’t understand why anyone would willingly put themselves through it. However, lately I’ve been feeling sort of alone / lost / dick-needy / whatever, so when my friend Mavi offered to “set me up” with one of her hot friends, I wasn’t completely averse to the idea.
As of late, it’s been Mavi’s main mission in life to find me the perfect boyfriend. She’s constantly sending me links to Facebook profiles of guys who are “partially deaf” or “look like they’re gunna die.” Not that I ever asked for her help, but at least she’s got good taste.
Last night she had a dinner party at her house, to which she invited one of these mystery men. I was semi reluctant to come along at first, but when she described him as “hot, with a twitch and a possible sex addict,” I conceded. And anyway, that’s not really a blind date, is it? It’s more just a casual dinner with friends, with the added bonus that one of said friends might be the boy of my dreams. Not creepy at all.
To give her credit, the guy was really hot. Twenty-two, British, skeletal, eyes like caves, the ass of a ten year old boy—she knows my type well. He was almost too beautiful, to be honest. He’s the type of guy that if you stare at him for too long, you can’t decide whether you want to fuck him or kill him. He, mind you, had no idea that any of this was going on. He’d just come along for the vegetarian curry, oblivious to the fact that everyone else at the table was dissecting his every move, word, twitch, etc.
The night started off OK. That was until Mavi downed a half bottle of wine and suddenly entered intense Cupid mode. I’ve recounted some of the cringworthy dinner conversation below [with added footnotes at the end of the post, due to Mavi’s retarded/enlightened interpretation of the English language].
Mavi: So Karley, did you know BOY is a writer too? Like you! He’s totes a Macaulay ! You guys could totally talk about writing stuff, right?
BOY: (Looking confused) Yeah… like syntax, predicates…
Mavi: Wait… what? Stop trying to impress us with your smart book words and just talk normal!
Me: (Breaking the silence) Uh… so who do you write for?
BOY: Well I…
Mavi: Ugh whatevs… boring! BOY, tell us about your sex life!
BOY: (Blushing—very hot?) Erm… there’s not much to tell. I’m single at the moment, anyway. Been working-out recently though. You know, always trying to please the ladies…
Mavi: Eeeww! Why did you just say that? Working out is so banker-loser . Karley’s into really skinny guys. Kind of like… well kind of like you actually!
BOY: I wasn’t being…
Mavi: OH MY GOD I just realized something mayj  just right this second! You guys are like so totes into each other! Oh my god, BOY is soooo your type, right Karley?
Me: I guess… I mean I’m generally into anyone who has, like, a face… and a dick…
Mavi: Oh my god this is so insanely perfect it’s not even real! BOY even has a twitch! Karley, did you notice?!
Mavi: Whatever! BOY, are you into peeing? Karley is. She became a fan of peeing on Facebook!
BOY: (Laughs uncomfortably) I guess I could be, with the right person…
Mavi: Eww, I didn’t mean in a sex way. God, we’re eating!
This went on for a while. When the dinner was finally over, the poor kid made some lame excuse about having to look after his sick mother, and made a quick escape. However, I don’t think it was a total disaster. Like for one, now I know BOY’s possibly into piss, which is hot. Also, the way his twitch made his spoon sometimes miss his mouth and spill curry down his chin was super sexy. I might try to organize a meeting between the two of us again in the semi near future. After all, I never shy away from an opportunity to be rejected / shamed / whatever, so throwing myself at a guy who clearly thinks I’m a dick seems like an apt next step.
1. A word used to define a person who is considered cool by cool people (derived from Macaulay Culkin, obvs)
2. Someone who is super lame, i.e. a banker or someone hella normal
3. Major, i.e. super cool
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