Porn Is Ruining My Life (And Brain)


Hannah at GIRLCORE

I’ve come six times today. Whatever. No big deal. My vagina currently feels like a piece of five-week-old deli meat and I’m finding it slightly difficult to walk, but it was totally worth it for those beautiful, magical, short bursts of ecstasy. God I love porn.

I’m back in NYC for a few days. I’m here writing a feature about the amazing Courtney Love (yes, I sometimes write about stuff that veers beyond the subject matter of gay man boners and ketamine), and am crashing out at my friend Ashton’s apartment in Brooklyn. Instead of spending the day preparing for tomorrow’s interview as I should be, however, I’m lying in bed shoving my face full of Mexican food (need to get my fill—Mexican food hasn’t been invented in England yet), watching copious amounts of adult entertainment, and jerking-off. I think I have a problem.

Gang bang porn, chicks with dicks, sluts being fucked by machines—I don’t discriminate. See, we don’t have the interweb back in our south London squat, so whenever I’m anywhere with internet for more than, like, ten minutes, I instantly get all wild with excitement about the prospect of Redtube (it really is a modern masterpiece, if you ask me). So naturally, I’m taking this rare opportunity to spend the entire day filling my brain with all things X-rated.


Kerri and Amy

A couple years ago, before I got heavily into porn, I was really good at masturbating. Like REALLY good. I was so focused, so efficient. My brain-sex was always perfect and without interruption. To reference Britney’s 2003 album, I was IN THE ZONE. But ever since experiencing porno-enlightenment, my jerk-off skills have consistently dwindled. It sucks. I can’t fixate on a fantasy. My thoughts wander, jerk and misshape, as if edited with an ax. It’s as if the immediate and hyper-easy nature of porn has contaminated the sexy party of my imagination, and now my brain has forgotten how to do any work for itself. Ugh…

And to make things worse, my porn addiction has begun to interfere with my daily life. I think about porn 24/7. I can’t focus on anything for longer than a few minutes before I have to take a break and inject myself with a hit of some Asian skinema (I just love how fucked-up and masochistic it is). I’ve begun taking whole days off work to stay at home watch gay porn marathons. Porn is even ruining my sex life, as no real man can match up to the wondrous 2-D sex gods on my computer screen. I’m fucked.

Alas, what I really should do is ditch the Redtube and focus on getting my sex-brain back in top shape. But the problem is, I just can’t seem to give up my beloved porno. It’s just so disgusting and wonderful and sexy and wrong and beautifully gross and it means far too much to me. I keep trying to kick it but the high is just so fucking gooood.

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11 Responses to Porn Is Ruining My Life (And Brain)

  1. OSOD says:

    You need to read on on neuroplasty… how the mind changes as it is exposed to things. There's a reason you need harder and harder porn to get off. You can actually retrain your brain though. It's worth doing for those great O moments in my experience.

  2. x says:

    i feel your pain.

  3. Sofya says:

    ive recently made the statement "life would be so much simpler without porn." and then i read this post… i rest my case.deviantclip.com is my fave:)

  4. noodle77 says:

    I hear ya. I had the same problem with not being able to fantasize on my own anymore without images of sperm ooozing out of asses and stuff filling my head and putting me off. I had to just not watch it anymore. Putting on a dvd is one thing but when you're online as your shell hardens you just click more more more, more hardore, more freaky cos this isn't doing it for me, and before you know it you've been there for 2 hours and still not even had an orgasm. And when you do masturbate it's crap cos you're overstimulated.

  5. OSOD says:

    It took me a while to find the book but I'd recommend you read "The brain that changes itself" by Norman Doidge. It might help you understand Neuroplasticity. The concept of that the brain is not a static structure. Using Fantasies to achieve sexual satisfaction is a dead end – it's the same as porn – your brain becomes accustomed to the soft porn so then it needs hard porn and then extreme porn.

  6. dummycream says:

    Do you ever get that cramp in your hand post-masturbation? Some days I feel like I'm going to contract early carpal tunnel syndrome from smacking the cabbage too often.

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