Pretend Sex

Photo @ Matthew Stone

Masturbating/dreaming about having sex with someone is not the same as having sex with them in real life, although it’s like 85% there. This morning I got bored of having pretend sex with Hamilton Morris, so I decided to (for the 15 millionth time) attempt to engage him in a sexy texting conversation. However he’s such an evasive, ADHD nightmare that it’s almost impossible to establish any sort of textual connection with him, and I usually just give up before making any real progress. I.e.:

Me: I just had a really amazing sex dream about you.

Hamilton: I just learned how to make a barometer!

Me: That’s hot. I want your cum all over my face.

Hamilton: A nice idea, however very wasteful! Are you not informed about the antidepressant effects of semen? Really, if I’m going to ejaculate you should probably swallow it. For your own sake. Or possibly an IV injection would be most effective?

Me: Uh… OK I guess swallowing is the better option.

Hamilton: Switched on a laser printer w/ mind.

Me: Forget it.

However having pretend sex with Hamilton isn’t actually so bad, as I possess enough superficial fragments of his existence that I’m able to carve a pretty vivid mirage of him with my mind. Like I have some photographs, and a tape recording of his voice that I can listen to on headphones while touching myself. Also I always take metal notes of his body whenever I’m in his presence, so much so that I could probably draw an impressively accurate sketch of his skeleton right now if I were put on the spot. Sometimes I even write down things he says to me and then repeat them out loud to myself mid-orgasm. Like the other day he said, “Can you pass me that mechanical pencil” and then later that evening while I was cumming alone in my room I whispered Can you pass me that mechanical pencil… It was a powerful moment.

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20 Responses to Pretend Sex

  1. amelia says:

    can you pass me that mechanical pencil

  2. penny says:

    how on earth does he resist you? a future power couple if ever i saw one

  3. KKK says:

    You're scary

  4. cock says:

    it has never occurred to me, until just now, that i could be using you for wank material.

  5. sarah says:

    Wow, you really wanna fuck this guy? In your previous post you said he was kinda dirty….or his house anyways. There are quite a few videos with this guy out there and he seems to be almost brain dead. He also seems like a really dead lay and the type to have some smelly balls as well. Eww.

  6. jessica says:

    thanks to you, i just spent the last two hours reading his vice articles. now i'm bothered and I don't even have "can you pass me that mechanical pencil" to lean on. unfair!

  7. anon says:

    This is the only person that I can think of that seems to be intelligent but retarded at the same time. He speaks way too slow WTF? Dead lay? ya I can see it.

  8. Mr says:

    Purple loves, I love.

  9. Fuller says:

    I don't know who Hamilton is, but based on this repeated conversation he's seriously hot.

  10. Pentel says:

    Only smart people use mechanical pencils. Fact.

  11. She's already written posts about fucking him, duh

  12. lol says:

    karley you're dating hamilton

  13. solikeyeah says:

    rly happy for you. total fact that being obsessive and praying to internet gods makes dreams come true

  14. / says:

    I hope you get him.

  15. Trucker Joe says:

    I think you should try and rape him and make a post about the result. Treat him like others have treated Felix.

  16. Trucker Joe says:

    Hmm, I saw a video of him on YouTube and while I agree that he seems like he might be a dead lay he has a totally amazing, totally fuckable voice. I can see your attraction to him.

  17. clitoral priapism says:

    Yeah I would like to feel Hamilton Morris's vocal chords vibrating all over my clit as he tells me about pharmacology…uhhhh

  18. steffi says:

    his shower curtains are sexy.

  19. Feifei says:

    You are one fucking brilliant individual.

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