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Pretend Sex

January 24, 2011

Photo @ Matthew Stone

Masturbating/dreaming about having sex with someone is not the same as having sex with them in real life, although it’s like 85% there. This morning I got bored of having pretend sex with Hamilton Morris, so I decided to (for the 15 millionth time) attempt to engage him in a sexy texting conversation. However he’s such an evasive, ADHD nightmare that it’s almost impossible to establish any sort of textual connection with him, and I usually just give up before making any real progress. I.e.:

Me: I just had a really amazing sex dream about you.

Hamilton: I just learned how to make a barometer!

Me: That’s hot. I want your cum all over my face.

Hamilton: A nice idea, however very wasteful! Are you not informed about the antidepressant effects of semen? Really, if I’m going to ejaculate you should probably swallow it. For your own sake. Or possibly an IV injection would be most effective?

Me: Uh… OK I guess swallowing is the better option.

Hamilton: Switched on a laser printer w/ mind.

Me: Forget it.

However having pretend sex with Hamilton isn’t actually so bad, as I possess enough superficial fragments of his existence that I’m able to carve a pretty vivid mirage of him with my mind. Like I have some photographs, and a tape recording of his voice that I can listen to on headphones while touching myself. Also I always take metal notes of his body whenever I’m in his presence, so much so that I could probably draw an impressively accurate sketch of his skeleton right now if I were put on the spot. Sometimes I even write down things he says to me and then repeat them out loud to myself mid-orgasm. Like the other day he said, “Can you pass me that mechanical pencil” and then later that evening while I was cumming alone in my room I whispered Can you pass me that mechanical pencil… It was a powerful moment.



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  • Reply amelia January 24, 2011 at 1:54 am

    can you pass me that mechanical pencil

  • Reply penny January 24, 2011 at 2:02 am

    how on earth does he resist you? a future power couple if ever i saw one

  • Reply KKK January 24, 2011 at 2:05 am

    You're scary

  • Reply cock January 24, 2011 at 2:08 am

    it has never occurred to me, until just now, that i could be using you for wank material.

  • Reply sarah January 24, 2011 at 3:01 am

    Wow, you really wanna fuck this guy? In your previous post you said he was kinda dirty….or his house anyways. There are quite a few videos with this guy out there and he seems to be almost brain dead. He also seems like a really dead lay and the type to have some smelly balls as well. Eww.

  • Reply jessica January 24, 2011 at 4:33 am

    thanks to you, i just spent the last two hours reading his vice articles. now i'm bothered and I don't even have "can you pass me that mechanical pencil" to lean on. unfair!

  • Reply anon January 24, 2011 at 5:53 am

    This is the only person that I can think of that seems to be intelligent but retarded at the same time. He speaks way too slow WTF? Dead lay? ya I can see it.

  • Reply Mr January 24, 2011 at 6:12 am

    Purple loves, I love.

  • Reply Fuller January 24, 2011 at 6:17 am

    I don't know who Hamilton is, but based on this repeated conversation he's seriously hot.

  • Reply Pentel January 24, 2011 at 7:33 am

    Only smart people use mechanical pencils. Fact.

  • Reply erin-patricia.blogspot.com January 24, 2011 at 7:47 am

    She's already written posts about fucking him, duh

  • Reply lol January 24, 2011 at 6:36 pm

    karley you're dating hamilton

  • Reply solikeyeah January 24, 2011 at 11:44 pm

    rly happy for you. total fact that being obsessive and praying to internet gods makes dreams come true

  • Reply / January 25, 2011 at 12:10 am

    I hope you get him.

  • Reply Trucker Joe January 25, 2011 at 4:52 am

    I think you should try and rape him and make a post about the result. Treat him like others have treated Felix.

  • Reply Trucker Joe January 25, 2011 at 4:59 am

    Hmm, I saw a video of him on YouTube and while I agree that he seems like he might be a dead lay he has a totally amazing, totally fuckable voice. I can see your attraction to him.

  • Reply clitoral priapism January 25, 2011 at 5:14 am

    Yeah I would like to feel Hamilton Morris's vocal chords vibrating all over my clit as he tells me about pharmacology…uhhhh

  • Reply steffi January 26, 2011 at 9:14 pm

    his shower curtains are sexy.

  • Reply Feifei January 27, 2011 at 9:40 pm

    You are one fucking brilliant individual.

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