Being American is so hot right now. Seriously, everybody’s doing it, including myself. No longer am I embarrassed to say oregano instead of oregaaaano. Nevermore will I say aluminum instead of alumiinueunmb. Goodbye snidey remarks about my nationality from elitist British snobs who think the sun shines out of their Parliamentary, liberal-minded a-holes. Nope, the United States is a magical place where dreams come true and miracles fall from the sky like droplets of acid rain, and I’m happy that I was born in the Land of the Free, the Home of the Brave. I haven’t felt this much pride toward my country since Wendy’s added the baked potato to their dollar menu. That was amazing, but this—this is something else.
I’m seriously feeling the love at the moment. I love the American people for electing a black president. I love the world for believing in a country that repeatedly let them down. I love all the people who cared enough about our future to wait hours in line to cast their vote. And I love Barack Obama, for wanting to change the world, and for being open-minded enough to name both gay and disabled people in his victory speech as being equal—as part of our whole. It feels like the world is changing, and strangely enough, I feel optimistic. And that’s saying a lot from someone whose chief emotions rarely veer beyond anger, hatred and general disenchantment.
And last but not least, the number one most super important reason I’m overjoyed that Obama won this election is because, seriously, I think I would have died of disgust had I been forced to look at John McMain’s hideous face for the next four years. Ugh. The man is a mutant. That transparent scalp, those tiny little turtle arms, those spirals of deceit lodged within his retinas. He belongs in a cage for Christ’s sake, not on television. Television is for beautiful people, not people who’s heads are sinking into their huge chests. But Barack—he’s got it going on. Now that’s what the leader of the free world should look like. He’s so sleek and sexy and new age. I’d totally do him.
OMG… how would I know what to think if I didn’t just immediately judge people based on the way they look?