Random Acts of Kindness


My very virtuous mother recently lectured me on the value of performing random acts of kindness for those around you. This is in order to “cleanse the soul,” and ultimately “be saved,” as she so eloquently put it. Under normal circumstances I would have ignored this advice, preferring instead to continue on my journey toward complete self-destruction. However, burdened with the guilt of a particularly sinful week (sex, drugs, excessive masturbation, the accidental killing of a cat, etc) I thought, why not give some kindness a try?

Last Tuesday started out like any normal day (i.e. uneventful and ultimately pointless). While waiting for my laundry to be done, I decided to go for a stroll in a nearby park. Once there I fell into a particularly vulgar conversation with a middle-aged Turkish man. I have to admit, I have a weird affection for arbitrary sleaziness with complete strangers. I tend to engage anyone who makes even the slightest pass at me—normally because my life is so fucking boring that I have nothing better to do.

“You’re very sexy,” purred the man as I walked by him, running his hairy fingers through his long, greasy hair.

“Thanks,” I smiled seductively. “You too.”

“You wanna go out with me sometime baby?” He was walking with a severe swagger, as if one of his legs were shorter than the other.

“Yeah, maybe…” I lied. (Always maintain a flicker of hope.)

“I’d really like to fuck you,” he groaned. “I’ve been with a lot of women, but none as pretty as you.”

“Uh, thanks.”

“You like it in the ass?”

“Yeah, sometimes.”

“Yeah? You know, I like you girl. So, tell me, what color is your pussy?”

“My pussy?” I asked, slightly taken aback. This was a bit forward, but appreciated nonetheless.. “Uh… it’s pink.”

“I thought so,” he grinned. He seemed into it.

As we walked through the park our conversation grew weirder and weirder. We talked about everything from our favorite sexual positions, to the way in which I shave my public hair (landing strip—embarrassing), to how I like being tied up. His dick was growing visibly bigger inside dip dyed jeans. As he felt more and more comfortable he started to push his luck.

“Show me what sounds you make baby,” he pressed, “like in bed.” Sadly, I was forced to refrain as we were standing dangerously close to a playground full of children. Although that’s not to say I wasn’t tempted.

“Well then… can I see your tits?” he continued.

“I don’t think so.”

“Come on, show me your tits.”

“No.”

“Just once,” he begged. “Really quick.”

“No.”

“Pleeease. It would make me sooo happy.”

It was then that I realized—this was it. This was my moment—the moment in which I had the clear opportunity to make better, even if only for a second, the life of another. This was my random act of kindness.

So I did it. I showed the stranger my 36-DDs right there in the middle of Burgess Park. And you know what, I sort of enjoyed it. Who knew? Charity work isn’t so bad after all.

“I’ll never forget you,” he smiled before we parted ways.

Though I didn’t want to admit it, I knew it was true. “I’ll never forget you either.”

My soul is saved.

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6 Responses to Random Acts of Kindness

  1. Hi, I’m posting this comment so that you get an email that tells you someone commented your post so that you remember that you have a blog so that you can write more posts so that the world continues to laugh and wonder just because of you.

  2. Darren says:

    You’re like a 36-DD Jesus Christ, turning old mens puss filled spots into arcs of happy semen. Well done you.

  3. Robbie Marx says:

    you ever think about publishing this incredible story beautiful american girl starts squatting in lodon

  4. Robbie Marx says:

    did you ever think of publishing this story it would make a great book gorgeous american girl turns london squatter

  5. hellacoolgirl says:

    awesome! he probably went off and raped somebody shortly after. a great day for feminism

  6. hellacoolgirl says:

    yeah robbie you're absolutely right, this story would be SO COOL. rich upstate new york girl rebels christian upbringing, comes to big city and writes empty postmodern trashy HILARIOUS stories of her attention seeking self-loathing escapades, i don't think anyone's done that before

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