Art by my flatmate, Darren Cullen
I wrote this article about a year ago for Platform Magazine, with the intention of informing young, sexually-budding teens about the dangers of sex. I don’t know how good of a job I did…
Sex is disgusting. Well, it is and it isn’t. Don’t get me wrong—I’m all for sexual experimentation, but there is a line within the sex universe that simply should not be crossed. Like, for example, when you find yourself using a frozen piece of your own excrement as a pleasure toy (also known as ‘space docking’)—that’s when you know you should take a step back and reevaluate the location of THE LINE.
All around me people are taking sex to new and ungodly levels. A friend of mine recently wore a butt plug for so long that her asshole no longer closes. Another regularly gets fucked by a flashlight strapped to the end of an electrical saw. Yesterday my flatmate admitted to being sexually attracted to our cat. Everyone is out of control.
Rusty Trombones, Space Docking, Silversmithing—this is what sex as we know it has become. Who comes up with this filth? It’s gotten to the point where you can’t fuck a stranger without fear they’re going to ask you to perform some perverted sexual act that you’ve never even heard of (but you can guess probably involves some sort of unpleasant bodily fluid). What ever happened to making love? Reading poetry? A romantic fisting session to the soundtrack of Bright Eyes’ I’m Wide Awake It’s Morning? Can’t we all just suck on each other’s tongues and lick each other’s genitals and be fucking happy? Sadly, it seems this is not so.
And, not only is all of this twisted misconduct disgusting, but there are some serious health risks involved in these sinful behaviors as well. Here is a breakdown of some of the things you should avoid during your ‘I’m curious about the way my body works and want you to join me on my perverted sex pilgrimage ‘ phase.
What it is: When a guy ejaculates into a girl’s mouth, then, while her mouth is full of semen, punches her in the teeth. This causes a mixture of sperm and blood to erupt from the girl’s face, resembling a jelly doughnut.
Why you shouldn’t do it: For one, this could cause an extremely large amount of damage to your teeth, and dental work is highly expensive. Secondly, you run the risk of getting semen in your eyes, resulting in conjunctivitis (aka ‘pink eye’). Not sexy.
What it is: When a guy sticks his finger or fist up the girl’s ass, and then wipes the feces from his finger onto the girl’s upper lip. Sometimes referred to as a ‘Stinky Hitler.’
Why you shouldn’t do it: A gargantuan amount of bacteria and parasites exists in feces—the sheer quantity of which could lead to viruses and infections such as herpes, gonorrhea, and even polio. Plus, like, eww.
What is it: (Taken directly from the Urban Dictionary) When you skeet on a ho’s back, and then she wakes up in da morning wit da bedsheet stuck to her, makin’ a superman-style cape.
Why you shouldn’t do it: Capes are so 2007.
What is it: When a guy ejaculates into his partner’s asshole via anal sex, and then proceeds to suck out the cum and all the other junk that’s up there with his mouth.
Why you shouldn’t do it: Oral contact with feces is highly dangerous. You could get Hepatitis A, B, C, and E. You could get parasitic intestinal infections. And worst of all, you could get shit breath.
What is it: This comes after felching. Basically once the guy’s got the mixture of cum and shit in his mouth, he then passes it back and forth with his partner via open-mouth kissing.
Why you shouldn’t do it: Two words: Mouth AIDS.
Indiana Squirrel Trap
What is it: When a girl is on top riding a guy’s dick, and then right when he’s about to come she gets up, pours battery acid all over the guy’s cock, cuts off his balls with a blunt knife, shoves his bloody testicles into her mouth, chews them for a bit, then spits them out and lovingly shoves them up his quivering rectum.
Why you shouldn’t do it: To be honest, I can’t think of one good reason why you shouldn’t give this one a spin.