Sex + Love Advice

Ask Slutever: Should I Text Him, or “be Aloof”

June 8, 2017

To text or not to text? (And at what time and wtf should I say?) – By Karley Sciortino. 

Pic by Petra Collins for Wonderland mag.

Hi, I’m a 27 year old woman, and I recently had sex with a super hot guy—by far the hottest guy who’s ever been inside me. I met him at an art opening, he took my number, and a few days later we went out for drinks. He was super nice, generous in bed, and we had an all around great time. However, it’s now been over a week, and he hasn’t asked me to hang out again. We’ve texted once, when I basically sent him an inside-jokey photo and he replied a witty quip (too long to explain here). But now I’m confused about whether or not I should text him again. I want to see him, but don’t want to look clueless, like I’m not reading the signs of his silence. Help!

Yes, you should text him. Here’s my rule for myself: If you want to see someone—be it for the first time, or again—you should always text. The text should be direct—a clear invite to hang out—but if they don’t reciprocate, then you can’t ask them out again. Basically, you should always text, but you can only text once.

When I say the text should be direct, this is what I mean: “Hey, I would love to see you again. Are you free for drinks on Thursday after work?” Or like “Hey, I was invited to an opening at Blah Blah gallery on Thursday. Want to come?” As in, suggest a plan. Plans are hot! Being assertive is hot. Don’t be vague and send something like “Sup how’s life?” Those texts make me want to kill myself. Like, I’m an anxiety ridden renaissance Millennial who’s busy building a brand and working four side-hustles and being offended by everything, and I don’t have time to text you nonsense all day… or whatever. Or maybe it’s because I’m 31 and am too old to play games at this point. I’m not dumb—I know that being aloof can work, in certain situations. We don’t want to come across like stalkers. But we also don’t want to be so aloof that we literally disappear. 

I say this all the time, but it’s worth repeating: we all need to be less afraid of rejection when it comes to sex and dating, because unless you put yourself out there, you’re never getting fucked. Consider this: if you ask someone out and they say no, you’re still in the same position as you were before: alone. So really, you can only gain from trying, and have nothing to lose (except a teeny tiny bit of your dignity, but that recovers fast). Onto the next! 

However, like you said, it’s important to the read signs. But this is why sending an assertive text is so important—because you get a direct answer. Asking someone out assertively essentially leaves three options 1) They say yes and you get what you want. 2) They are forced to decline you, as in “I’m sort of seeing someone right now and want to focus on that” or “I’m too busy with work” or whatever excuse they make up as to not hurt your feelings. Or 3) They can’t hang out that night because they legitimately have a conflict, but then you can leave it up to THEM to reschedule. Like, they know you want to hang out with them at this point—you were direct about it—so now the ball is in their court. You’re off the hook, in a way. You can even say, “Ok well text me if you want to hang next week! I’m free any night except Tues” or whatever. And here’s an extremely important side-note: If you ask someone to hang out and they don’t reply, that’s a NO. It’s 100% a NO. The fact that people don’t understand this blows my fucking mind.

Here’s another rule I’ve set for myself: Do not text anyone (romantically) at 2am. Or really any time after 11.15pm tbh. Texting at that time translates that you’re drunk. Even if you’re not drunk, and spell everything correctly, a late night translates as, “Hey, I needed to have four drinks in order to build up the courage to text you.” Anyone who’s been on the receiving end of a late night text knows that it’s not a turn on (unless it’s from your ultimate crush, but that’s usually unfortunately not the case). I’ve now beaten this rule into my head to the point where I actually trust myself not to text/sext anyone I’m dating (or want to date) even in my most blackout state. Kinda proud of that honestly. (Although the next challenge is to not post on social media when I’m wasted, which has become a new problem in my life oops). If you want to ask him out, text at 3pm. 3pm is chic.

By Karley Sciortino

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