Slutever’s “Sexytime Dilemmas” on Jezebel!

Photo by Marilyn Minter

The second installment of my new advice column for Jezebel.com (aka the new feminist bible) is up! Now pasted below:

I’ve always enjoyed sex and more recently have learned to practice safe sex. However, the other day I was trying to count how many partners I’ve had in my life and couldn’t do it! I feel like there are people I can’t remember. I also can’t remember who exactly I lost my virginity to, although I know it was in high school. Is this strange? Should I be consulting a physician regarding the possibility that I’m suffering from a sex addiction? If I am practicing safe sex, and not hurting anyone, is it an issue that I’ve “lost count”?

-Sacha



Dearest Sacha,
Most of us can’t remember everyone we’ve had sex with, because sometimes we sleep with people while we’re blacked-out, obviously. 

To answer your question, I do not think you are a sex addict. Essentially, an addiction is a behavior that affects your life in a harmful or negative way, something that you feel powerless to stop. So as long as you still enjoy sex and are smart about it (which it sounds like you are), and your urge to fuck hasn’t gotten so out of control that you’re offering your mouth-hole to crack monsters in the street, then you’re A-OK! Basically, just because you can’t remember everyone you‘ve boned doesn’t mean you’re Tiger Woods. Rather, it probably means that you (1) are kind of slutty and/or (2) have a bad memory. (The latter seems like a definite possibility, as TBH it’s pretty weird that you can’t remember who took your virginity — was it at a blindfolded orgy?)



The moral of the sex story is, as long as you remember to be safe, then you can forget basically everything else. Although it’s probs best to try and remember the name of the person you’re fucking at least until the sex is over. I learned this the hard way, when the guy I’d met 30 minutes earlier pulled his dick out of my mouth and shouted “Say my name, bitch!”, and I had to be all, “Oh… yeah… uh, can you remind me of that again?” Mood killer.





My boyfriend can’t get hard over me anymore and in turn, won’t fuck me. Is this because of his “dietary problems”? (Google diagnosis) I’m the one who feeds the fucker and he still won’t have sex with me! Could it be because I’ve put on 7lbs, or because he’s just not attracted to me anymore? I’m starting to hate that he goes soft after eating me out for 10 minutes. THERE IS ONLY SO MUCH QUIET MASTURBATING I CAN DO NEXT TO HIS SLEEPING BODY PLEASE HELP ME!

Kind regards,
R.



GURL, we have all been there! I don’t even want to tell you how many times I’ve quietly masturbated next to a sleeping lover, paranoid he’d be awoken by the dull vibrations of the bedsheets as I nervously flicked my way to happiness. However, on the plus side, these repeated secret masturbation sessions have made me a master of jerking-off with minimal movement or sound, which means I’m now able to guerilla masturbate in even the most public or cramped of places (i.e. on airplanes, in movie theatres, sitting on the couch with my mom, etc.). Seriously, all I need to do is throw a coat over my lap and I’m good to go!



But moving on, there are lots of reasons why your bf might be losing his boner. Impotence is a complex issue, and sex is extremely psychological, especially when you’re in a relationship. Things like this are never as literal as, “he doesn’t find you hot,” and gaining 7lbs is not enough to make someone not want you. (It’s 10lbs, at least.) Maybe there’s something else going on in your relationship that’s causing him to feel anxious or insecure that needs to be worked out before he can properly perform. You need to talk things through with him, but you have to go about it the right way. For example, shouting, “What’s wrong with your dick, you failure?!” is probs a bad idea, as impotence can be caused by a loss of sexual confidence due to a previous inability to get it up. Instead, a good idea is to take the focus away from his peen for a sec. Rather than waiting to masturbate until he’s passed out, why not involve him, and have him watch you? This is sexy, and it will put less pressure on him to please you, because you’ll already be getting-off. Ya know?



Also, just because a guy can’t get hard doesn’t necessarily mean he’s not turned on. Erectile dysfunction is a medical condition, and can be treated, so maybe he should see a doctor. On the other hand (not to be a bummer), there is the possibility that he’s just bored. Sometimes in long-term relationships this happens, which is why it’s good to switch things up once in a while, to keep your sex life exciting. Like maybe buy a new sex toy (like a horse-tail butt-plug, for instance), or do some role-play: you can be the urologist, and he can be the patient whose chronic case of bonerlessness you’re desperately trying to cure. Or something.



I’m 35 years old and have been with my husband for 10 years. We’ve been monogamous throughout and have a great sex life. In the past year we been exploring fantasies and have discovered we both get really turned-on when thinking of me sexually with another man. He says he wants other guys to know how good he has it with me. But now he’s taking it to another level and is naming off people we know that he could see me with. I find this fantasy exciting but I feel he is pressuring me, and I don’t know what to do. I am worried it will ruin our relationship. Please help!

-Glenna



This is a hard one. I’m inclined to say that if you’re feeling pressured or hesitant at all, then you shouldn’t do it. Sometimes fantasies aren’t meant to be realized. Like, I have a serious rape fantasy, although I’m almost positive I wouldn’t want to be raped IRL. You never know — the reality of sleeping with another man might weigh far heavier on you, and your husband, than you imagine. 

However, if this is something you guys decide you really want to try, then for the love of god DO NOT sleep with someone you know. That’s a horrible idea. One rule of threesomeing is that it’s best to fuck someone who is disconnected from your relationship, otherwise you run the risk of majorly complicating things, and instigating unnecessary jealousy and resentment. My suggestion would be to travel to another city and fuck a random internet stranger, this way if it all goes horribly wrong at least it was in a different area code, which means it doesn’t count.




This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to Slutever’s “Sexytime Dilemmas” on Jezebel!

  1. Christie says:

    Nobody else does better

  2. whaaaaaaa says:

    fuk jez ok oyessss dyi omg tbh yeeeeeeh

  3. allie says:

    DON’T LET THE NEG COMMENTS CHANGE YOU / YOUR WRITING
    STAY GOLD
    love it. alwayz

  4. Lily says:

    I think you are incredibly hilarious, witty and all round fantastic! I cannot believe some of the comments… Keep doing what your doing because you are really great at it!
    Love from a new reader who read to the beginning of your blog in 4 days- talk about addicted.

  5. Evelyn says:

    Fuck the haters.

  6. Jack J says:

    “Fuck the haters”. I’m sure they’d stop hating her if she did just that. Haha.

  7. Madeleine says:

    you are totally ~mayj~ babe

  8. jg323 says:

    doesn’t remember who took her virginity? is that possible? you’re still the only girl i know that refers to female masturbation as “jerking off”. don’t think that one’s going to catch on any time soon if it hasn’t already.

  9. ER says:

    I actually agree with the majority of commenters on Jezebel.
    Within the context of your own blog your “advice” is funny and comes across as what it is: a pop-cultural rambling with some wit and a shocker element to it.
    On a page such as Jezebel it’s just not working. Your advice seems sloppy, quickly done and isn’t backed with any “science” (or whatever else is appropriate for reference).
    Sorry. Big fan of your blog here, but it’s just another level of seriousness on Jez.

    • ERRRR says:

      Can there please be a worldwide ‘anti-internet-criticism’ day? Even better, an international day of ‘positive commenting’ where we spend half an hour carefully structuring anonymous comments on things we actually like?

      I think the world would be a better place.

  10. andrew says:

    jeeesus, some stupid motherfuckers on jezebel. stuffed shirts, damp rags, aborted fetuses, whtevs. yr writing gets me hard, so uh, keep it up k

  11. Sofia says:

    I actually agree with the majority of commenters on Jezebel.
    Within the context of your own blog your “advice” is funny and comes across as what it is: a pop-cultural rambling with some wit and a shocker element to it.
    On a page such as Jezebel it’s just not working. Your advice seems sloppy, quickly done and isn’t backed with any “science” (or whatever else is appropriate for reference).
    Sorry. Big fan of your blog here, but it’s just another level of seriousness on Jez.

    ^^^ agreed 100%

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

*

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>