As everyone who’s sucked dick knows, some spunk tastes better than others. Like all human secretions, a guy’s flavour is dictated by his diet. But what cuisine makes some cum yum and other cum yuck? In order to make the world a safer place for blowjobs, I decided to carry out a man-naise test on my boyfriend…
I began my research by making a phone call to my trusted gynecologist. When I told her about my mission, she gave me a simple answer- it’s all about what you eat. Here is a list of the foods she says result in what she refers to as ‘friendly ejaculations,’ and ‘unfriendly ejaculations.’
Chemically processed liquors
And now for the fun part. I, along with my very helpful and willing boyfriend (I wonder why), spent the past week putting these foods to the test. Each day I fed him a controlled diet, and each morning I gave him a blow-job. And swallowed. All in the name of science, of course. This is what I found:
Day 1: FRUIT AND VEG
Breakfast: Fruit cup + sliced pineapple + orange juice
Lunch: Green salad (with added parsley)
Dinner: Stir-fried vegetables
My boyfriend wasn’t too hot on the idea of eating only fruits and vegetables all day, but he knew he was getting head out of it, so he complied. The following morning, as planned, I sucked him off until he came in my mouth. Surprisingly, his cum did taste rather nice. It was slightly sweeter than normal, and exceptionally easy to swallow. Also, the smell of it was surprisingly similar to the smell of the chestnut tree I had in my backyard when I was little.
Day 2: CARBS
Breakfast: Bagel with jam
Lunch: 1 slice pizza
Dinner: Pasta with tomato sauce
After a day of consuming carbohydrates, my boyfriend’s cum didn’t taste like much of anything. It wasn’t sweet, like the morning before, but it wasn’t bad either. The smell was pretty average as well- kind of like salt, but in a nice way. It was basically your average, run-of-the-mill spunk.
Day 3: MEAT AND FISH
Breakfast: Bacon roll
Lunch: Tuna sandwich
Dinner: Salmon fillet with potatoes
I was dreading this day as I wasn’t too keene on the idea of drinking fish-flavored jizz, but to be honest it wasn’t as horrible as I had expected. It tasted slightly bitter, but as I swirled the juicy man-cream around the inside of my mouth, I couldn’t taste fish, but more of a buttery flavor. It did, however, smell more potent than the previous two days. Kind of like salt- but in a not-so-nice way.
Day 4: DAIRY + OTHER UNFRIENDLY THINGS
Breakfast: Yogurt + chocolate milk
Lunch: Crackers with blue cheese and Brie + vanilla ice cream
Dinner: Grilled cheddar cheese sandwich with fried garlic and onions + 4 glasses vodka and coke
Warning! Warning! Dairy makes your cum taste like sour milk in a blender with battery acid (said in emergency robot voice). I honestly didn’t think that one day’s food could possibly effect the taste of your bodily fluids so extremely, but I was so so terribly wrong. Upon swallowing the vile liquid, I instantly gagged, then spit the disgusting, chunky slime back out of my mouth. It smelt like burnt hair, tasted like rotting onions, and made me never want to give another blow-J for as long as I live.