Squallyoaks Hearts Slaves

February 4, 2009

My house is super gross. Old news. I’ve said it a million times. But for some reason, after I posted those pictures of our home sweet home in disarray last week, my housemates all got super pissed off and had a big gang-up session on me, saying things like “You really should be more aware of other people’s feelings” and “We hate you.” Ugh, whatever! It seems like everything I do these days pisses someone off. But just for the record, I don’t write with the intention of upsetting my family and friends–I do it to trick strangers into thinking my life is more interesting than it actually is. When I tried to explain this to them, however, they were all too busy spitting on the living room floor and rubbing fried chicken into their scalps to give me the time of day.

Anyway, it doesn’t matter, because all of this animosity will so be over. This is because we have devised a master plan to solve all of our household woes: A SLAVE! It’s perfect–a servant to do all of our cooking and cleaning, and we don’t have to pay a dime. I can’t believe we didn’t think if it sooner. In fact, now that I think about it, I can’t believe more people don’t have slaves. It’s a very efficient way of getting things done.

Now, let’s get this straight, this is a consensual slave, which means he’s the good kind. Like you know how there’s good AIDS and bad AIDS? Well there’s good slaves and bad slaves too. And good slaves are super easy to find, if you know where to look. Answer: the classifieds. For realz, Kerri found our slave though his advertisement on Gumtree.com just last week. Apparently there is an entire community of sadomasochists out there, just waiting for you to give them the opportunity to lick your toilet bowl. Hey, you learn something new every day.

To give you a little info, our slave is 28 years old, of Asian decent, and works as a lawyer. He hasn’t told us his real name, preferring for us to refer to him solely as Slave, which is convenient for me because I’m really bad with names. Slave hasn’t actually begun cleaning our house as of yet, but he will soon. Amy and Hannah met up with him in a café a couple days ago to discuss how things are going to go down (that’s how it works with slaves nowadays–you have business meetings). The plan is for him to come over next week. We will have a list of commands ready for when he arrives. It will be a long list. For now, he has left us with a note that reads as follows:

I just hope I can serve each of you completely, and that I won’t neglect any of your commands.

Aww… how sweet.



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  • Reply M.I.X.I.N February 4, 2009 at 3:58 am

    So he is an Asian sadomasochistic barrister slave? Where the fuck do you find these people?

  • Reply Antonio February 4, 2009 at 3:59 pm

    Wait, is this for real? I want a slave.

  • Reply Mark July 8, 2009 at 11:49 am

    Hi,I googled for "gumtree cleaning slave" and found your page! If this slave didn't work out, I'd gladly offer my services! xxx

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