Ollie in his favorite outfit
My friend Ollie is joining the army. Ollie is a squatter with a penchant for spray-painting trains, raiding supermarket bins, and just generally putting himself into the most shameful situations possible. This time, however, he’s taken his love of defiance to a new level, and is enlisting in the army on the basis that it’s the single most nihilistic thing he could think to do. You know, that whole ‘losing all hope is freedom,’ thing.
The first time he attempted to join the army they wouldn’t let him because he didn’t have a bank account of a place of residence. But now that he’s sorted out all the logistics, he’s well on his way to becoming our nation’s finest. He’s still in the process of enlisting, but he’s already been told that if accepted, he’ll do one month of training and then be shipped straight to Afghanistan.
Why the fuck are you joining the army?
My fantastic father told me I was wasting my life. He’s a bit of a hardworking socialist. He suggested I join the army, which is kind of funny when you think about it. But I’m not joining for him. And I’m not doing it for the adventure of it either. It’s just about having the guts to jump into the most regrettable situation possible. I want to learn what it’s like to be alive. I’m sick of hanging around with indie art kids who couldn’t wipe their own asses if you paid them. I don’t really want to kill people, but I guess if I had to I would.
Are you patriotic?
Not at all. But I’ve always been interested in warfare and the way the army operates. I don’t agree with the war in Iraq, but I’m interested in it.
What about the army interests you?
I’m in awe of it really. For example, in the last few years there’s been a massive rise in the suicide rate in the British Army. But no one talks about it. They just call it a ‘personal weapon incident’ when someone kills themselves. It’s crazy. But what I find most bizarre is that everyone in the army is a hero. It doesn’t matter if you’re a cunt or a pedophile- you put on a uniform and walk onto a battlefield and everyone respects you. You’re untouchable. I think that most people who join he army are complete psychos, but the newspapers still want to praise them.
Are you scared of death?
I’m not really too worried about dying. I’m not suicidal or anything, but it just doesn’t really scare me. If I end up horribly wheelchaired I’ll just have to think about committing suicide afterwards. Plus, death is a good way of getting people to take you seriously for once.
Does your wife support you?
Mine and my wife’s relationship is pretty philosophical. We don’t really have that much sex. I’m a sex addict who doesn’t get any sex. It’s complicated. The thing is, I could wash my cock more often, or shave more, or be nicer to her, or buy her more alcohol. Or instead, I could just do a tiny bit of time in the army. My wife is a leftist, but no matter what your political views are, all women want to bone a man in uniform.
What do you hope to get out of your stint in the armed forces?
A few missing limbs, and to be celebrated in the Sun newspaper as someone who used their life meaningfully.