Storytelling

Sorry I haven’t been posting very much recently, I’ve been busy being out of control. A life update: my boyfriend and I broke up which means I’m now ~single~. A side effect of that means my blog will probably be more exciting in the coming months, because I’ll no doubt be getting up to more ridiculous/tragic sex stuff now that I live a life without rules. It’s weird–we broke up right around the time I quit my restaurant job, so I suddenly feel very “free.” That sounds cheesy, but it does feel significant that for the first time in my life I don’t have a boss, I have no obligation to be anywhere at any specific time, I don’t have to tell anyone what I’m doing or where I’m going, and I don’t feel tied to anyone or anything. Everyday I wake up and think, “I can do whatever I want.” It’s sort of cool, except recently the “whatever I want” has been getting drunk on vodka martinis and having accidental group sex, which is not very productive, I know, but I just got out of a 2.5 year relationship so give me a break.

I have lots of things to tell you (and by “you” I mean a group of random internet people I don’t know–blogging is weird), but I’ll limit this blog post to two stories. Story 1: I was recently set up on a blind double date by a friend of mine–I’ll call her “Kate.” Kate is dating this older rich guy who she really likes, and she asked if she could set me up with his friend–a funny, handsome, divorced entrepreneur. She said, “He’s fifty but he doesn’t seem fifty. He seems, like, young.” I said a young-seeming fifty year old sounded fabulous, and that as long as there would be martinis (low carb) I was down. Plans were then made for a Monday night double-date at a restaurant in the West Village. Unexpectedly, the night before our dinner I got a text from my blind date saying, “What’s your address? I will be sending my driver to pick you up,” which was an early positive sign. I couldn’t help but think of Big from Sex and The City, who (embarrassingly?) was my only mental reference for a person with a personal chauffeur.

When I got to the restaurant I was sort of nervous because I’d never been on a blind date before, but the guy was totally hot–tall, dark haired, Jewish (my fave)–and I immediately thought, thank fuck. So we were drinking at the bar and the three of them were sort of drunk already, and I was like, “How did you guys get drunk so fast?” and my guys says, “We took Quaaludes, you want one?” So obviously I said, “Uhh… I thought those stopped existing in the 80s” and he responded, “They did, but I have my own chemist who makes me whatever I want.” At this point I thought, score.

So we ate dinner and drank more, and by the end of the meal things were sort of fuzzy in a good way. Then suddenly Kate’s boyfriend suggested we get a penthouse suite at the St. Regis hotel to “hang out” in. I thought that was sort of weird, since both guys have apartments in Manhattan, but I was like whatever. So we get to the hotel and they ask for the penthouse and the hotel guy says, “That will be $5,500” and they pay for it like no big deal. Meanwhile I’m standing in the lobby drunk and barefoot, holding my high heels, with my eyes 75% closed because of all the downers.

In the room suddenly more pills and champagne appeared, along with casual stuff like chocolate covered strawberries and silver platters covered in miniature cakes. And then we got more wasted and had an orgy (duh) which at one point involved me getting fucked and sucking dick at the same time (life goal achieved), and I don’t know… a bunch of other stuff happened that I can’t really remember, but I know it was fun. And then in the morning Kate and I woke up alone because the guys had both gone to work, but since we both don’t have “real jobs” we just laid in bed all day and ordered room service. At one point Kate said, “God, isn’t it so much better dating guys who aren’t indie?,” and I laughed and agreed and then we high-fived in slow motion.


But moving on, story 2: I have also been dating a girl. (OH MY GOD I’M GREY AREA.) I suppose it’s not that weird, as I’ve been sleeping with women casually for years, but this is different because it’s not just a one-off sex thing–it’s been going on for months, and there are “feelings” (eww) involved. Seriously though, I never thought I would actually date a girl. I just couldn’t imagine myself being into the dynamic, because both in sex and in sexual relationships I tend to be ultra submissive and crave male dominant energy. However, this girl looks and acts like a boy, so it works out! (Actually she sort of looks like my ex–awkward.) What’s cool is that she has all the qualities I look for in guys (dominant, tall, in control, wants to bend me over stuff and spank me, etc.), except she has the sensitivity of a woman (good), and is just generally less of an arrogant dickhead than most men (also good).

For real though, she does make me feel “confused.” Like for the first couple weeks, every time we would hang out or have sex, I couldn’t get rid of this constant voice in my head going, “I’m dating a girl, I’m dating a girl, I’m dating a girl.” It was like I was too hyper-aware of what was going on to be fully present in the moment. But I got over that and now all I think is OH MY FUCKING GOD THE SEX IS SO GOOD. Seriously, having sex with a girl makes sex with men seem so retarded. It’s like duh, obviously girls are going to be better at making girls cum, because they know what they’re working with. I cum every time we have sex, usually multiple times. That’s craaaazy to me. (Sex and orgasms TOGETHER–what the!?) Like I bought a strap-on because I was like, “This is what lesbians do, right?” but we barely even use it because I legit don’t miss dicks when we fuck. And if I really missed what it felt like to be fucked by a dick, I could always just go to the bathroom and insert a tampon :)

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85 Responses to Storytelling

  1. ER says:

    Yeah, no. This sounds very teenage-y, tbh. But glad you’re having good sex.

  2. jg323 says:

    oh come on, you mean to tell me you don’t like a mans mustache crinkling against your cooter?

  3. Dull says:

    Having followed you for a while now I’ve realized that you’re kind of a ball of cliches who just happens to be very open about your sex life. Between this and the incredibly dull Jezebel posts you are revealing that you don’t have much of a voice.

    • Sad to see youre an idiot says:

      You clearly don’t have a brain in your skull. Or maybe you’re just too dim to pick up on her wit.

  4. yeaaaa karley!! This is awesome!! Congrats on your transformation, the universe is full of wild possibilities and I’m glad to see you exploring your new spacious freedom. Have fun and if you ever want to have group sex in Austin just cum for a visit!! <3<3

  5. Hannah says:

    I love you !! Fuck the haters. You DO have a voice and who gives a fuck if you sound ‘teenage-y’ ? What’s wrong with that . <3 <3

  6. GH says:

    Your blog was the best back when you were a crazy hot mess :) Glad you’re back!

  7. Eletricalmonkss says:

    Forget all of that emphasis bullshit on having a voice. I’m happy for you Karley because after following you on the internet for about half a year, your life finally sounds like it’s paying off. Just enjoy yourself and don’t break your spirit off of stupid e-drama.

  8. Jessa says:

    “And if I really missed what it felt like to be fucked by a dick, I could always just go to the bathroom and insert a tampon :)”

    LO-fucking-L

    Love you Karley!

  9. BB SPICE says:

    OMMMGGGGG that sounds so fun I am so jel, I wanna date women now :-( and have rich guy orgies….

  10. Lol says:

    Only women have ‘accidental’ sex? What the tell is up with that ? I thought yall were supposed to be liberated and in control of your sexuality. Its such a a major cop out.

    • Elanor says:

      I think ‘accidental’ means there were no intentions, but things circumstances changed and it happened.

      • Lol says:

        Ive heard this a few times from women though, its usually followed by ‘next thing i know’ ‘i dont remember’ ‘i blacked out’ ‘i just remember 3 dicks in my mouth’ etc etc etc aka I’m not responsible, It was the guys idea, He made it happen, I’m not responsible for said sexual depravity. It just seems weird to me. I’ve also had women try to make me responsible. with stuff like ‘well…it was your idea’, ‘well…if u want me too i’ll do it’ when it was totally their idea! It seems a lot of women make excuses for freaky ass sex. I supposed I kinda get why they do it. But i have to say, it seems like a cop out generally. Anyways, just a thought.

  11. Zach says:

    Now you have all that free time it’s time to get a role on Girls so I can live vicariously through you.

  12. HDT says:

    Great post Karley, hope you are enjoying yourself and not going on a slut spiral just to make your ex jealous!

    When I fuck my girlfriend she’s only cumming because she’s rubbing her clit, I can make her cum way quicker by going down on her (which I do before we fuck anyway) But she only likes my cock basically for the ‘idea’ of it, I think cock’s are purely psychological for women! I’ve never known a woman who can cum from just penetration and the ones who say they can I suspect are lying.

    I’m sure sex with girls is amazing Karley but dating women is a whole different thing! Wait for the drama! Sure guys can be assholes, but girls get moody and you’ll be in trouble for doing something wrong… and you’ll have no idea why!

  13. use says:

    I cant help but feel a bit sorry for your boyf – i mean, he’s bound to read this, right? That will sting a fair bit i would have thought… the weekend after i broke up with my ex (also of 2.5 years) she went to a fetish night… Although i’m sure whatever she did there was fucking tame compared to what my imagination inflicted on me ;)

  14. PennyLane says:

    I’m not gonna tell the haters to fuck off, BUT if you ever read this blog regularly you would realize that it’s about a part of someone’s life (blogs can be that way, sorry). Sometimes life is teenage-y (duh, mid-life crisis is absolutely ridic, but yet it can happen to the best of us, and don’t even get me started on the average maturity level of the inhabitants of this glorious (#notsomuch) planet). I’ve read this blog since feb 2008, and yes it has it’s ups and downs… and on that note, may I introduce to you a little something we call life. a.k.a. la vida, la vie (not so ‘en rose’), etc. All I mean to say is; if you don’t like it don’t read it. The world is full of entertainment and if this doesn’t do it for you, surely there are funny cat compilation-vids on youtube you haven’t seen yet. Lastly, everyone is entitled to an opinion and whilst we are all permitted to express said opinion, it isn’t mandatory.. think about it

    P.S. ‘tampon-vs.-penis-controversy’-reference, well done

  15. Danny says:

    “…at one point involved me getting fucked and sucking dick at the same time (life goal achieved)”

    For some reason reading that line made me feel really awkward, almost bothered, even. I’m not sure why. Not flaming you, just don’t know where else to type this.

  16. stalker #999 says:

    why did you breakup? I’m in a 2,7 year relationship and in a crisis…… i don’t really know if it’s him taking anti depresants, or that we don’t “want” each other.. but things are getting pretty boring…

  17. smeg says:

    I’ve been following your blog for years. I live vicariously through your posts and stories. You live on my bookmarks toolbar. Don’t listen to the haters, they’re jerks. You’re interesting, funny, sexy and a great writer! Never quit the Internet or I’ll be bored and sad.

  18. Elanor says:

    Keep on, keepingg on. I’ll be over here living via you as usual.

  19. you are my tavi says:

    I’m sorry but……this post just seems so incredibly weird and sort of out of context. maybe it’s because you haven’t been writing personal stories for like ages…..idk, it’s just….. i feel bad for hamilton because he’ll probs be reading this as well :( and I love u karley, i really do, but you need to renew yourself; you have been using the tampon-dick-joke repeatedly for a long time now. i read every article you write and it’s just not cool to be using the same punch line over and over again. also, the reason why i find this blog post so random is probably because it reminds me of the “old you”, when you were a messed up squatter. not the karley that i know of now. anyway, i sound like a dick, and it wasn’t my intention to hurt you. sorry. just stay out of trouble

  20. chek says:

    and she’s BACK IN THE GAME

  21. gabe says:

    #TEAMTEENAGEY!! #TEAMTRAGIC!!!!

  22. WR says:

    I have no clue why people are being such whiny little shits. Hamilton honestly came off as jerk in almost every post about him and she’s probably much better off now. But anyway, without knowing Karley IRL we can’t accuse her of doing things that are out of character or this being unfair to her ex boyfriend because we have NO IDEA what the whole story is.

    There is some true idiocy in this thread, mostly courtesy of guys who have insecurity complexes about their own exes or not being able to make their girlfriends cum through penetration. I’ve had ~30 G spot orgasms in one night bitches.

  23. WR says:

    P.S. From Instagram stalking it’s pretty obvious who the girl is and she’s def. a cutie.

  24. goose says:

    love u <3, hamilton always seemed like a super srs douche, you're better off without him.. i knew you'd broken up in your angry jezebel post, didn't want to comment about it though. i hope you're feeling okay and not paying attention to any of your snarkier commenters, i've been reading your blog for a pretty long time.. (must be like 2009? maybe earlier) and i think you're remarkable.
    XXXXXXX

  25. Elliot says:

    Why are people on the internet so mean?
    Guess I’ve kind of grown attached to your blog since i started reading in 2008 but i feel totally sad about your breakup (??) and hope you’re actually ok. but ..yeah… things seem to be on the up and up :)

  26. twocentsworth says:

    yes this is anonymous but on your instagram you were kind of mean and condescending to the three girls who obviously put a lot of effort into your fan mail :’(

  27. ASS BANDIT says:

    LETS FUCK!

  28. misselle says:

    I love Karley. One time outside Catch she told me I had the most magnificent tits. And this is coming from Karley…woman with the most magnificent tits.

    Sigh.

  29. Hands says:

    I hope being single means this blog turns into London days. The other stuff on here is good but this is a way more interesting read.

  30. Quik says:

    I’m full on jealous of the Jew….

  31. Amy N says:

    Congrats on your newfound freedom! If I had known you were single I would’ve bought you another shot.

  32. jg323 says:

    tsk tsk, Karley!

  33. a dude says:

    I got an instant hard on, when I read “me getting fucked and sucking dick at the same time”.

    had to wank real hard after that

  34. wankplank says:

    YEAH WE GET IT ALREADY, DICKS FEEL LIKE TAMPONS BEING INSERTED OVER AND OVER AND YOU CAN’T CUM FROM PENETRATION. YOURE ON A LOOP WITH THIS. IT’S A SHAME COS YOURE REALLY FUCKING HOT, BUT JUST KNOWING THAT YOU REALLY DONT ENJOY SEX ALL THAT MUCH TAKES SO MANY POINTS OFF YOU.
    YOU WRITE A SEX BLOG BUT YOU HATE THE FEELING OF A DICK IN YOU. IT BOGGLES THE MIND.

    • goose says:

      penetratration aint everythang you heterosexist twat

      • Blah Blah says:

        Loads of women (at least 80%) aren’t all that fussed for penetration, at least on it’s own. Take not and then maybe this blog will make you better at sex

        Karley can we see your girlfriend please please please

    • Yes Homo says:

      “Woman cannot come from penetration alone.” At least, most of us can’t. If you doubt this, you’ve been lied to. Sorry to burst your misogynistic bubble.

      Oh, and being so butthurt about a stranger’s sexual preferences takes so many points off YOU.

  35. Meaow says:

    Sorry to hear about the break-up but I”m sure youll find someone new soon, karley (well, actually youve got a girl now, anyway). Plus H. sounded like a conceited twat most of the time. The meet up with the stranger sounds hot, I wanna see pics of that guy!!!!! Can you show us any or not allowed?

  36. Flora says:

    Personally, I think you should rescue a mix breed dog, take up early morning speed walking, and green tea drinking. You know, really give people a shock!

    • marla says:

      Haha yes! I’m sure there are some strange uber-healthy people sex trends out there too I would like to hear about.

  37. Christie says:

    Karley! I love you and can’t wait to read more posts about your liberated single existence.

    Regarding sex with girls, it appeals to me in the abstract but when I think about boobs and vaginas I don’t feel 100% turned on. It’s not that I think they’re gross, they just don’t seem sexy to me. I think this is probably how I’ve learnt to feel over the years and there was probably a time when dicks weren’t totally attractive to me and I learnt to like them because of how I felt about the people they were attached to. Did you have similiar feelings or did it come totally naturally to you? (I’m referring to in the past when you started having casual sex with wome n because you deal with the relaationship, power balance etc. stuff in this post.)

  38. Get it together says:

    There’s just too many parts of this post that are obvs a bitchy exaggeration targeted at Hamilton. Of course this kind of crap is a huge temptation to fight after a break up, but it just looks really ugly to those who can pick up on it. It’s just clearly calculating vs your care free & spontaneous stories that don’t have this kind of messed up agenda. Try not to ruin your future posts by peppering your stories with blows to your ex! Its lame. Break ups suck, you just need to check yourself xo

    • karleyslutever says:

      It’s sweet that you guys are concerned, but you don’t have to worry because he doesn’t read my blog, and we broke up a while ago now (I just took a while to write about it), and we are not fighting at all :)

  39. Lala says:

    Welcome back Karley! I had accidental group sex orgy fun but very disorienting ya know what I mean. You. Don’t know who’s dick you sucking or snatch you playing with. Iam a One on one type of person but the experience and story stays with me. Great ice breaker for a cozy soaree

  40. leyla says:

    Karley i wish you were with the tattooed british girl in your video, you would make such a hot couple.

  41. denis says:

    Karley, get back home and post more pics of your sweet lil brother… is not a wish is an order!!xx

  42. Stephanie says:

    You are #AWESOME. Go do whatever the fuck you want, and don’t let the haters get you down. People are always going to have issues with women having sex that doesn’t fit in with how society at large wants women to act.

  43. elocin says:

    jealous! ;) never got to hang with you even though you are a block away.

  44. Helen says:

    It sounds like you’re having fun and your happiness is all that matters, Karley. Enjoy the freedom! (Especially now that I’m all monogamous, I’ll gladly live vicariously through you). <3

    That said, I don't find dicks sexy on their own, but I really like getting fucked by one. I don't come from penetration but it feels really good. I miss it when I'm single/not getting any.

    Anyway, big fan, keep being amazing.

  45. niemascreama says:

    Someone is having fun, just be sex safe honey. :)

  46. henry says:

    oh man i hope your still friends with hamilton, he seems so cool.

    …but seeing as though you’re nuts again, come back to London? I finish school in like a month and a bit and i wanna hang out with you.

  47. bladiblabla says:

    tbh i think this lesbianity is just a phase. Soon enough you will be craving for wiener. obvs after a long dedicated relationship you will be looking for something different; a lot of wild sex and everything.

    Also everyone knows lesbians have boring sex :P.

  48. k says:

    ahhh it’s crazy cuz i just wrote to your advice email on jezebel about breaking up with my boyf and being intrigued by a girl who looks/acts like a boy but umm now we’ve actually been hooking up and sometimes i freak out like you but mainly i realize it’s pretty great? whatever. as i relayed to a friend, “i’m not gay, i just happen to have sex with this one girl over and over.”

  49. Frolic Room says:

    That’s a great story Karley. Can’t wait to hear more!

  50. ketkat says:

    oh jeeez some people need to calm the fuck down. it’s her blog and her life and if you’ve got a problem don’t read it.

    I’m glad you’re enjoying life, Karley!

  51. yup says:

    It’s a good post. I don’t get what half these people are on about? This might be the first comment I’ve left, can’t remember, but I always enjoy. Also, you handle comments really well Karley.

  52. SarahK says:

    sorry to hear things ended with Hamilton. My mother, although very conservative, always gave and gives great advice about men. She always says, “if it ends, it ends for a reason, never look back, always forwards.” It has helped me say goodbye to even the nicest of exes. I hope you’re happy. Despite never meeting you but having read your stuff from the Squallyoaks days, I feel I care about what happens to you in a way, in that I’d give you shit advice, lend you my last fiver and give you a tampon if needed! ha!

    Enjoy yourself, be careful, but enjoy yourself and being free. xxxxxxxxxxx

    p.s love the photo accompanying part 2.

  53. meh says:

    The girl you’re dating, is it Amanda Whip? God she’s hot.

  54. Kristie says:

    What a babe.

  55. Jake says:

    Its great when people I fancy from fake life become single; Jennifer Lawrence/Nicholas Hoult, Alexa Chang/that cunt from the Arctic Monkeys, You/some lad from vice. Its makes imagining being with them far more enjoyable.

  56. Karley is getting old says:

    Dating Hamilton Morris was the only thing Karley had, can you image how boring her blog will become now? This lame account of being fucked by a middle aged man seems like a strong indicator. Her blog will be the same thing it was years ago only now she is a sad 30-something “swinger” writing the same boring sex stores as the clock ticks and she is slowly replaced by a new generation of younger, hotter women.

    • Jake says:

      What and he isn’t boring talking about drugs all the time? zzzz I’d rather just take it and see what happens than make a living out of talking about that shit. I think what Karley writes on here has always been very brave and honest. And she knows how to have a good time, does it matter how old she is?

    • mamamia says:

      Actually no, her blog wasnt all about Hamilton – that would have been too boring. Sorry to ask, but what do you mean ”the clock ticks”? Are you still living in medieval times? Is sex only for younger and hotter women and everything else just becomes a bit disgusting for you? Watch out when you get old, it’s a fate that everyone of us will face, you as well, and then maybe when you’re so old you better take your own advice and stop having sex and leave it to the ”hotter” and ”younger” women ;)

      You sound really sad. Go and get fucked.

  57. Sum Guy says:

    my girl (and my last girl) cum like 2-3 (maybe more times) every time we fuck, my previous girl to that didn’t ever cum, not once, until she got this new bf, now she cums all the time. sex is cool. x

  58. pumpener says:

    Im glad your having orgasm producing sex karley, it aint all about the d in the p, the.clit is it for girls, you deserve to cum everytime xox

  59. michelleschilling says:

    I’ve never commented on a blog entry before, I barely finish to read them. what for commenting i thought? will the author ever read my comment? appreciate it?
    but…. who gives a fuck, so: karley, it was a pleasure to read your story and understand so vividly (almost got a bit wet).
    So i hope you enjoy every day, spread the love, you do a great job! and love women as much as you want! love is free :) and yes, i agree: Fuck the Haters, although they can be cute as well sometimes. peace <3

  60. rose says:

    yay welcome back karley! xx

  61. bella says:

    i fucking love you haha this is my dream life

  62. True says:

    You are sooooo bummed that Hamilton dumped you that you write this shit to rub it in as if you don’t miss him.

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