The Many Wives of Crunc Teslå

Crunc Teslå is a rapper and filmmaker from Brooklyn. He is also the leader of his own Facebook cult, The Wives of Crunc Teslå Future & Present (XX Chromosome Goddesses). Female fans can sign up to worship him and be his honorary wives. In return he sometimes fucks them. He also gives them fancy names like “Queen of the Dravidian Empire: Goddess of Thickness n’ Self Luv.”

 According to his FB blurb, “Crunc Teslå is a Universe,” and his digital harem is a “Group is For those Womyn who are attracted to Crunc’s Physical, Spiritual, Sexual and Artistic Magnetism.” The whole thing seems like a pretty strange mix of the cosmic and the perverse. Recently Crunc wrote on the group’s wall that, “In the Future IM gonna Ask shorties that are very small to shave it all to leave a lil round the lips so that it doesnt cause alotta friction during tantric sessions….Hairs Thair fer a ReaSun.” I signed up and got in touch with my new Universe to see what was up.

So what is The Wives of Crunc Teslå Future & Present (XX Chromosome Goddesses) exactly?
It’s like a gravitational thing. I consider myself a planetary object floating through space, and I’m telling all these women that they can gravitate around me whichever way they want to go. I consider myself a god as well, like Neptune or Saturn and all my women are goddesses. I’m the center of my own universe. If someone is a comet and they want to run at me, well I’m pretty dense so that’s not going to disturb me. We all empower each other through love.

Is it accurate to call it a cult?
Yeah sure. Cult is culture. It’s a community. I also like to think of it as a coven, a group of witches.

You have sex with the women in the coven, right?
Some, yeah. I definitely haven’t hooked up with all of them. And normally the ones I do hook up with delete themselves after. I think afterwards they assume they’re not special and that I’m hooking up with everyone, so they delete themselves. The number of wives normally hangs around 250.

Some of your wives have special names, for example “Queen of Downtown: Goddess of Friendship and Breastfeeding.” What’s that about?
Only the top ones have official titles. The top ones are the hottest ones and the ones I speak with most, so, like friends. A mixture of friends and the hot ones.

Have you met all of your wives IRL?
No. The women are from all around the world. It works out if I’m on tour and need a place to crash. Some of my hip-hop elders have said to me, “If you have a girlfriend in every city, it makes life a lot easier.” You get to chill with someone who cares about you, and you also save money on a hotel, you know? Also, some of the women are actually married. Sometimes they get scared that their boyfriends or husbands are going to try and kill me. I’m not going to delete a married person, but I’m not going to waste my time hollering at them or poking them either.

Do you associate with women outside of the XX Chromosome Goddesses?
If someone random is talking to me I’ll talk to them for two minutes, and then I want to know if they are sexually attracted to me. If they want to continue to be flirty I prefer they join the club. If I’m going to talk to someone for 20 minutes I’d rather talk to one of my wives than a random person. I feel like it’s a waste of time. Once someone affirms they are into my program then it’s all good.

Can guys join the coven?
No. I’ve got mad gay homies but I’ve never been attracted to guys. I’ve already got male groupies on my regular page, and if they holler at me I’ll be like “What’s your business?” Because I just want to do business. I don’t really have much time for guys outside of my long term homies and people I do business with. I think of relationships as the distance between two people, whether it’s one mile, five miles or 100 miles. With guys I want to keep my relationships at no closer than a foot. Girls can get really close, even inside each other. If we are inside each other then there’s no distance between us.

Are you ever worried that people might look at The Wives of Crunc Teslå Future & Present (XX Chromosome Goddesses) as being sexist?
No, I actually praise women and worship goddesses. If they had a page that was like “the guys that like me,” I would join it. But nobody’s done that that I know of.

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2 Responses to The Many Wives of Crunc Teslå

  1. nion says:

    That's crazy and weird, how come that some girl wants to be used lilke a handkerchief, by that really ugly guy

  2. jordan says:

    another entrepreneur of exploiting insecurity, great

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