Recently, while flying from Toronto to London, I watched A Single Man—that homo Tom Ford film starring Colin Firth and the hot kid from Skins. I wasn’t expecting the movie to be so sexy, but fuck… the scene where they both get naked and frolic about in the sea gave me such a massive boner, I had to cover up with the in-flight magazine. So embarrassing. This unexpectedly sexy bit of gay cinema got me thinking about other memorable boy-on-boy film moments. I’ve made a list of my personal top ten. This is the real deal. None of that quasi-gay, Brokeback Mountain Hollywood bullshit. Here they are in no particular order. I recommend you jerk-off while reading this.
1. Les Chansons D’amour (2007): Louis Garell’s Gay Sex Scene
2. Twilight (2008): Robert Pattinson Smashing Into Another Dude During A Vampire Baseball Game
Twilight is basically the gayest film ever made. I particularly like this moment—it just feels so real.
3. Y Tu Mama Tambien (2001): Threesome Scene
Being involved in a threesome situation with Gael Garcia Bernal and Diego Luna is my ultimate fantasy. The best part about the gay moment in this film is that you don’t expect it. You’re just casually watching, lost in their hotness, and then WHAM! They’re making out.
4. Milk (2008): The Scene Where They Eat Cake In Bed
I’m sorry, but I think Sean Penn is super hot. Do other people? I can’t work it out. I think I’m just into people who look like birds. The scene in Milk where he and James Franco eat cake and kiss in bed is so sweet. Ugh… sometimes I seriously wish I was a gay man. Have I made that obvious enough yet??
5. Stupid Junkie Faggot (2006): Bunny Sucking Some Guy’s Dick
Mysterious Skin is about a little boy who gets abused by his baseball coach, resulting in him developing loads of “issues.” Eventually said little boy grows up to be the kid out of Third Rock From The Sun (except super hot). Then he starts getting with his equally attractive, male childhood friend. You follow? The scene where the two boys kiss in the car always makes me wet. Eww, look at Michelle Trachtenberg’s head.
7. My Own Private Idaho (1991): The Whole Movie
You don’t really get hotter than a gay, narcoleptic, junkie prostitute. It’s like the holy grail of hot. My Own Private Idaho is a road movie by Gus Van Sant about two male hustlers, Mike (River Phoenix) and Scott (Keanu Reeves). The whole film is masturbation material.
8. Titanic (1997): Leonardo DiCaprio Fucking A Tranny
This is way hot, but fuck those tranny’s hands are huge. Leonardo DiCaprio is so obvs gay.
9. My Beautiful Laundrette (1985): Johnny Licks Omar’s Neck
My Beautiful Laundrette is cool because it’s a film about a gay relationship that doesn’t make homosexuality the point of the film’s conflict. This was pretty significant when it came out in the mid 80’s. Set within the Asian community in London during the Thatcher years, the love between Johnny and Omar is offered as the one thing that’s simple and good amid issues of race and class. The hottest bit is when a sweaty Johnny lick’s his lover’s neck. I want you 80’s Daniel Day Lewis.
10. Wild Tigers I Have Known (2006): My Heart Melts…
Wild Tigers I Have Known tells the story of a thirteen-year boy named Logan, who enters into a gay relationship with an older boy, Rodeo. It’s more amazing and beautiful than it is sexy, but it’s still very worth seeing. Watch this trailer and tell me this isn’t already your favorite movie, even though you’ve probably never seen it.