Wet Dream


Photo Matt Irwin

I’ve accomplished one of my life goals: I finally had a wet dream. Praise… whoever.

For years I’ve been jealous of men for their ability to reach orgasm in their sleep. It just felt like yet another reason on the long list of reasons why men have it better than women. Ugh… to be the better sex. But now I too am part of the club, one of the gang. So, moving onto my next task: growing a cock.

My desire to have a wet dream began a couple of months ago when my friend Michelle called me ecstatic, ranting about how she’d experienced a recent string of nights in which she was awoken from sleep by orgasm. I’d never heard of a girl being able to cum mid-dream before, but this gave me hope for the future, and with this information I added WET DREAM to my list of life goals (which by the way is a very long list which includes walking in a runway fashion show at a mall, having sex with Jamie Bell in a restaurant bathroom, and figuring out what ‘retroactive’ means).

And what do you know—without even having to try, last night I accomplished my goal. As usual I awoke from a sexy dream right before I was about to climax. This time, however, rather than waking up annoyed and dissatisfied, my entire body went into spasm as the intense feeling of orgasm rushed through me. Super, right? Well… sort of. The only bummer was that the dream I was having didn’t involve me being pummeled but a hot celebrity crush, but rather was about a group of swamp children performing mutual masturbation. So that made me feel sort of weird. I mean the whole scene was seriously eerie—hundreds of kids in war paint and leafy headdresses jerking-off in unison. To each their own, I guess

But anyway, this whole wet dream thing got me thinking about life goals. I decided to ask some of my friends and squatmates what they want to accomplish before they die. You know, to try and get a glimpse into their demented psyches. This is what I found.

So guys, what’s one thing you want to do before you die?

Matthew Stone: To turn into light

Darren Cullen: To wank into a volcano… woops, I mean to wank into an animal’s eyes

Bunny Kinney: To eat at Dragon Castle, the fancy Chinese restaurant near my house

Matthew Josephs: To make a living doing something I love

Simon Milner: To memorize the Torah

Hannah Logic: To get a council flat in Islington

My mom: To figure out a goal

Dominic Jones: I’m really hungover. I can’t think of anything. Can you get out of my room?

Deep…

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4 Responses to Wet Dream

  1. Chris T.R. says:

    When I grow up, I want to acquire your same level of debauchery and lucidity.This is my idea of a modern times heroine, much in the style of W. Gibson.Can I have a peek at the rest of your life goals list? Just for the sake of morbidness, you know.

  2. Tobi says:

    That sounds like an awesome dream. All i dream about is the first day of school and Beast Machines.

  3. LOL Do you make up these people's names? Hannah Logic doesn't sound real…

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