It’s been nearly a month since my intern Stan moved into Squallyoaks. He’s cool or whatever, although lately he’s been acting less like my personal slave and more like a friend/servant to everyone in the house. Rather than waiting on me hand and foot (which is what we originally agreed), he’s just been getting drunk, making friends and getting sexy with the other housemates. Why am I unable to maintain any position of power?
The other problem with Stan is that even though he’s nineteen, he looks twelve. This freaks me out a little, as it makes me wonder whether I could possibly be into, uh… kids? Like sexually I mean. I know that probably sounds weird and perverted, but Stan just looks so… I don’t know… new. It’s really amazing. I can’t explain it.
The fact that Stan looks so young has been gnawing at a conscience I didn’t even know I had. Like for example, when I see him sprawled half naked across the living room floor, eyes rolled back in his head, smacked out on fuck-knows-what, I begin to ask myself things like, ”Is this wrong?” and “Is his sudden and extreme drug use my fault?” Thankfully though, those worries normally only last a few seconds before more pressing thoughts like I WANT HIM take over, and all attempts to be moral fade into oblivion.
But whatever, who cares? He’s an update from Stan:
Hi there. Stan the intern here. Sup? I’m locked in Carlie’s bedroom because for some gay reason the doors lock from the outside, and no one is home/sober enough to hear my cries for help, so I thought I’d write a quick update on my life at the Slutever HQ.
Shit has been rando since I started interning here. So far I’ve had sexual relations with several/almost all of Carly’s fellow squatmongers… some of which are suitably attractive even when I’m not on drugs. Just yesterday the prostitute who lives in the kitchen got naked and cornered me on the stairs and asked me to slap her several times in the face, which I did. She then led me to her bedroom where we had a threesome with the lesbian pirate with the weird accent (Scottish?) who sleeps on a cushion in the hallway. Given the frequency of couplings amongst everyone in the house, the inevitability of a deformed squat baby is one I anticipate with great fear and reservation.
In celebration of my newfound sexual closesness with the loveable wasted losers that inhabit Squallyoaks, here is my ranking of them from best to crappiest minus the ones I can’t remember/am not sure if they actually live here…
1. The prostitute who lives in the kitchen – Because she gives me hand-jobs in exchange for bus fare
2. Darren the guy who was in that band – Contributed to something called new rave (which I can forgive) but is otherwise quite personable, teaches me how to get mad vag, and knows about current events that extend beyond Jordan and Peter and their retarded black kid
3. Simon the guy who was in that other band – I’m straight I think but there’s defo something going on between us and I’m not gonna say no just yet
4. Amy – Definitely the most boneable chick in the house, probs because she actually showers and wears clothes not from Salvation Army reject bins and doesn’t charge for sex (yet)
5. Bunny – Looks like he might be dying so I give him sympathy points… Is he a boy or a girl? Not sure.
6. Green haired gay kid – Funny, always buys Heat magazine
7. Ollie – The autistic guy who talks a lot and keeps shoving his dick in my face, thus not surprising when recently revealed that he may have raped someone once (he was married to her though so I guess it’s fine?)
8. Grey haired gay guy – Bitchy but has a TV with cable
9. Carlie – Sometimes she’s a bitch, makes me sleep on the floor after sex
10. Pirate Girl – She scares me… is she drunk or just like that? Also she carved my name into her chest the other day and like I don’t even know her. Apparently she does that a lot.
Ollie with his gross cock out, as always.