Sex + Love Advice

Ask a Sex Researcher: Squirting and Shame Sex

September 28, 2015

This week, our resident sex advice columnist, Dr. Zhana Vrangalova, discusses squirting, and why someone would actively seek out sex with people they don’t find attractive. Oh, and hot new pic of Zhana by Anny Lutwak :) 

Dr. Zhana is a sex researcher, a PhD in Developmental Psychology from Cornell University, and an adjunct professor of human sexuality at NYU. She also founded the amazing Casual Sex Project, a website where people from all over the world come to share stories about their one night stands, fuck buddies, and the like–the good, the bad and the ugly. She also has a column for Psychology Today called Strictly Casual, about the science of hooking up, and she recently gave the TED Talk “Is Casual Sex Bad For You?” Without further ado, I’ll let Dr. Zhana solve all your problems.

1) I’m a 25-year-old guy and I go through really horny patches when busting my nuts is all I can think about. I go on websites and use apps to hookup with random guys, and I have no shame in that—the problem is more with the people I choose. I tend to go for dorky and out of shape guys because they turn me on, and some of them have been genuinely nice people. The thing is, once I’ve slept with them, I suddenly become really cold and dismissive. Why do you think this is? I get offers from plenty of hot guys, but I always tend to turn them down in favor of the less attractive ones. Do you think subconsciously I’m not actually into the people I get with? I just want to have an enjoyable sexual experience for once without having to be wasted first!

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being very horny and seeking out sex with different people, including hookups with strangers—as long as you find that fun, and it makes you feel happy and satisfied. It’s good you say that you don’t have any shame around it, but I’m concerned about that last sentence of your email: that you need to be wasted before having sex. If that’s the case, that doesn’t sound very healthy. It indicates you don’t quite own or embrace your sexual experiences, or you’re using them as an escape from something, or to mask some sort of self-loathing or dissatisfaction. If you need to be drunk to be hooking up, you shouldn’t be hooking up at all.

Your choice of partners is similarly suggesting some self-loathing, self-esteem, or escape issues. To be clear, going for guys who are dorky and out of shape is perfectly fine, if that’s the kind of person you actually find attractive. However, the fact that you actively reject guys you perceive as more attractive and that you become cold and dismissive to the dorky ones after sex indicates there might be more than just a personal preference going on here. Perhaps you feel like you don’t deserve someone “better” (i.e., more attractive)? Perhaps deep-down you actually do feel ashamed and guilty about your behaviors or desires, and hooking up with guys you’re not really attracted makes it easier to dismiss them or treat them as less than human afterwards? Do you ever go back to the ones you had good sex with?

Whatever it is, something is not right here. Sex should make you feel closer and more connected to your partners (or at least not actively repulsed by them), even if they were just a one-night stand. You should be able to give and receive pleasure, passion, and intimacy from the people you’re exchanging orgasms with. And you shouldn’t be treating anyone, let alone sexual partners, in a way that’s dismissive and cold, unless they mistreated you; that’s just rude. Sounds to me like you would benefit from seeing a therapist to figure out what’s going on here.

2) Okay, so I’ve been sleeping with this guy on and off for a year now, and I always have at least one orgasm during sex. Then, 2 months ago I randomly squirted while he was fingering me, and since then I’ve been ejaculating all the time, which is really cool and hot, but also sort of confusing. Like, why might this start happening all of the sudden and what the F is my body doing? When I have tried to research it, I’ve found conflicting information. Basically, tell me everything you know about female ejaculation?? XO Squirting and Confused

It is perfectly normal for a woman to start squirting at some point in her life after not having ever done it before. Maybe you were never stimulated in that particular way; perhaps you were holding back because you thought you were going to pee; perhaps as your body grew and changed your g-spot became more accessible and more easily stimulated. Bottom line is, don’t worry too much about it, it’s totally normal. If you and your partners find it fun and hot, enjoy yourselves. And put a towel underneath so you don’t have to sleep in a soaking wet bed each time. You might also want to invest in waterproof sheets or mattress pads.

See the previous installment of Ask a Sex Researcher HERE :) And please send your sex and dating questions to!



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