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You’re Not Real But I Love You Anyway

January 25, 2010

Everyone knows how it feels to fall for someone who doesn’t actually exist, whether it’s a character in a film, or the hero in your favorite a novel, or even the occasional cartoon (as IF you don’t want to bone Trent from Daria). I’ve always had a thing for fictional guys, and have spent the majority of my life lusting not after actors, but rather the characters they play. I don’t want Johnny Depp; I want Edward Scissorhands. I don’t want Matt Dillon; I want the drugstore cowboy. I don’t want Leonardo DiCaprio; I want the retarded kid out of What’s Eating Gilbert Grape. It’s a massive mind fuck.

In light of this ongoing delusion, I’ve made a list of the top five film characters whom I most adore. They are as follows, in no particular order. (I thought long and hard about this by the way.)

Hallam, Hallam Foe

Psychos are hot. Freaks are hot. Fuck-ups are hot. Hallam is all of the above. Hallam is a teenage loner who essentially wants to fuck his mother. When his mother dies, he then diverts his attention to courting (or more like stalking) a look-a-like. Serious Oedipus complex. A complete freak, he spends the majority of his time lost in his own alternate reality, painting himself in his dead mother’s lipstick and trying to kill his step mom (who he later ends up fucking?). He’s like the ultimate lost soul, and in my book, demented equals desirable. I’ve always been attracted to the idea of disaster, self-destruction, sexual violence, etc, so Hallam is essentially my dream man.

Jimmy, Quadrophenia

Let’s be honest, Mod really is the sexiest of all fashions—so precise, so painfully cool. Jimmy is basically the ultimate Mod, from his tailored suits to his blind arrogance to his impeccable music taste. Not to mention Jimmy’s body is near perfect—washed out, gangly, scarecrow-like. Plus he’s got that classic British wonk face that I just can’t get enough of. I’m even into his slight drug dependency. I love a mess.

Mike, My Own Private Idaho

Uhhh… he’s a scarily beautiful gay junkie prostitute with narcolepsy. Need I say more?

Jamal, Slumdog Millionaire

Everyone is a sucker for a true romantic. Jamal is the ultimate romantic, devoting his entire life to chasing after his one true love. Super cheesy but whatever. Just looking at him makes me feel dizzy. Plus, I’ve recently developed a thing for Indians—both boys and girls. They’re fucking hot. I’d wear him like a scrunchy.

Theo, The Dreamers

I don’t think I really have to explain my physical attraction to Theo, but I’ll do it anyway. That god-like bone structure, those pouty lips, those dark brown curls, that statuesque figure—he’s like a fake person, carved out of stone. The guy is so beautiful it should be illegal. Plus his French accent is hot, and the way he moodily smokes his cigarettes is a serious turn on. So dark and mysterious. And then there’s all the stuff about him being a total fucking sadist… and part gay… and sexually attracted to his sist
er. Incest is so hot right now.

Alas, I love you but I will never have you.

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18 Comments

  • Reply Maria Cecilia January 25, 2010 at 6:35 pm

    my first crush was on robin hood […]

  • Reply Amy January 25, 2010 at 6:39 pm

    theo is one hot babe.

  • Reply Emilie January 25, 2010 at 6:42 pm

    Nice to know that I'm not the only one who thinks Dev Patel's come along very nicely since his Skins days.If you're into Indians, I know one (OK, he's Malaysian, but he looks Indian) who I'm sure wouldn't turn down any offers…

  • Reply Margo Fortuny January 25, 2010 at 8:00 pm

    Fantastic post. I know a guy who looks like Hallam Foe, maybe you're interested? I can tell you about him at next Girlcore…

  • Reply Michel January 25, 2010 at 8:16 pm

    I'd totally make out with Theo, and I'm not even gay

  • Reply фёдора January 26, 2010 at 3:39 am

    OH GOD! My first crushes were Rick Moranis in Honey I Shrunk the Kids and George McFly. But I fell in love with Leonardo from What's Eating. I will have to check out the My Own Private Idaho guy. He is clearly so far up my alley that he passed out from asphyxiation!

  • Reply Katarzyna January 26, 2010 at 10:25 am

    have you seen La belle personne with Louis Garrel? I think you'd love it, he's playing a teacher stalking his student

  • Reply Lolah January 26, 2010 at 11:11 am

    Back off bitch… Jimmy is MINE(also.. Robin Hood)Good ? good

  • Reply Lila January 27, 2010 at 6:18 am

    I dunno aboout those dudes but men in tight breeches usually do it for me. The Scarlet Pimpernel is hella sexy.

  • Reply misery January 27, 2010 at 6:18 am

    Does this mean you're over your last crush on the Secret Garden cripple? He's taken down the article he wrote about you on Don't Panic. Maybe someone told him to crawl down out of his own ass? What a sap. You're better than that, Karley.

  • Reply Nastasia Alberti January 27, 2010 at 2:18 pm

    I guess we all have a crush on theo.aND, Hallam is definitely hot. But I don't follow you for Jamal, I mean he's sooo romantic, which is nice but he's not sexy at all… x

  • Reply William January 27, 2010 at 5:02 pm

    Fuck me dead, Louis Garrel is rapable.

  • Reply Amy January 27, 2010 at 7:22 pm

    oh and i forgot…bart simpson cause he was just so badass.and malcolm in the middles friend in the wheelchair who could never breathe. i absolutley loved him to pieces.

  • Reply eden! January 29, 2010 at 6:29 pm

    WHERE IS DUCKIE DALE?!

  • Reply electric January 30, 2010 at 3:32 am

    HAHA oh gosh i love your blog!

  • Reply Suze February 1, 2010 at 12:54 am

    It is ALL about Edward Cullen. Yeah, I'm aware I was 22 years old when I first laid eyes on him…:/

  • Reply Karley February 1, 2010 at 1:38 pm

    Duckie was actually very close to being included… I love him too.

  • Reply Badly Drawn Boy February 6, 2010 at 1:04 pm

    Awesome post (loving the blog), Hallam Foe is deffinately a regular feature in my wet dreams! am i the only one that thinks Spencer the autistic guy in hollyoaks is hot?!( http://badly-drawn-boy.blogspot.com )

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