20 Secrets (That Are Not Really Secrets) About Dating

Images via Happy 2 b Sad

1. Always remember to wash your hands in between eating hot sauce and masturbating.

2. Guys: Don’t stress out too much about the best way to ask a girl on a date. Realistically, if she likes you, she’ll say yes no matter what. And if she doesn’t, she’ll just make fun of you to all her friends behind your back.

3. Boys who own giant cars and/or motorcycles have small dicks.

4. If you’re on a date with someone, it’s never, ever the right time to get out your acoustic guitar.

5. Sometimes it’s OK to think of men as disposable sex objects.

6. Sleeping with lots of people is not a bad thing, and if someone tries to make you feel bad about sleeping around or calls you a slut, it probably just means they’re not getting any.

7. Urine is sterile.

8. The key to flirting is just to be confident. However, walking up to a stranger in a bar and grabbing his crotch might be considered “too much” by some people. I know this from experience.

9. If you ask a guy out and he says no, just start telling everyone he raped you.

10. Crazy jungle pubes and better than razor burn.

11. A good tip for dating (and life) is to practice your “I’m totally not upset” face in the mirror, like how nominated actors practice their “good loser” face before the Oscars. This way, if someone rejects you, you can just make the face and at least they won’t be able to tell how epically miserable you feel inside.

12. It’s more important to be smart and interesting than it is to wear cool clothes. But ideally you’d be ‘all of the above.’

13. It’s probably a bad idea to let everyone you sleep with take naked photos of you, but being cautious is overrated. And who knows, maybe one day that leaked sex tape will make you famous.

14. Condoms suck but abortions suck more.

15. If you’re lucky enough to have an office with a desk in it, you should try bending someone over it. Sometimes being a stereotypical perv is a good thing.

16. Girls: It’s better to be a little bit fat than too skinny. This way at least you have boobs.

17. Most men are misogynists, even when they think they’re not.

18. If your boyfriend breaks up with you, a good way to make yourself feel better is to sleep with all of his friends.

19. Orgasms are great, but the best part about sex is all the stuff that leads up to it, so guys, slow the fuck down, will you!

20. Just because you’re in love doesn’t mean you have to start updating your status with Goo Goo Dolls lyrics, thanks.



36 Replies to “20 Secrets (That Are Not Really Secrets) About Dating”

  1. 9 is SO DUMB. way to trivialize rape and keep up the idiotic idea that girls use false rape allegations to manipulate guys, congratulations. all ýour readers that are victims must be delighted right now

    1. yeah. it a joke, but its not a very good one.

      (just waiting for someone to call me overly sensitive or too “politically correct.” lol)

      1. I can see it’s not 100% serious (duh) but the fact it’s jokingly said doesn’t make it any better
        I used to fucking WORSHIP this blog but the moment it reaches imboycrazy level (aaand judging by this and generally by ‘dating secrets’-type posts it’s pretty close right now) I’m outta here for good

        1. wow you guys need to chill the fuck out. if you can’t take a joke then why are you reading this blog in the first place?

          1. mmm yeah except rape is not be joke, nor is lying about it because that is ruining someone’s life…so though it was said ~jokingly~ it’s not something to joke about, nor will it ever be funny

  2. ugh. why is it that half the people who comment on this blog are whiners who pretend to get offended over some joke that they deem is too radical, like it’s going to set womankind back eighty years or something? what are you, the internet politically correct police? it’s a JOKE. she’s KIDDING. don’t get your jungle of pubes in a bunch. if you didn’t laugh, who cares? you’re not gonna agree with everything karley has to say, but guess what? it’s her blog, not yours. lady can write what she wants, and i’m glad she does.

    1. First of all, it’s not radical, it’s regressive. Of course it’s a joke, but it’s not a very good one–everyone’s heard it a thousand times before and the people commenting above are right, it’s reinforcing rape culture. Secondly, yeah Karley can write whatever she wants but by posting it on a public forum she’s opening it up for comment and she seems to appreciate when her readers have opinions that are different from her own.

      1. ditto. also, if she self-identifies as feminist (which, as I can recall, she does) the least she can do is to be critical of her own texts

  3. yeaa…. re:rape
    it’s funny, like calling someone a fag (or a retard or whatever intentionally degrading thing you might call someone out of your own poor taste…)

    So, even without diminishing the validity of the pain a rape survivor might feel, you’re encouraging the kind of behaviour men have been using against women (not helping) taking any sense of rejection you might feel and negating their right to say no, thus becoming part of the problem.

    It’s like you were going for your own version of the alfa-male response to rejection “psh, dyke” but missed the mark on upping the anti.

    Yup. You’re kidding. It’s a joke. You’re a really funny out-of-touch vapid cunt. Ha.

    Meanwhile there are girls who do that to spite a guy, there are cops who assume this is the case 90% of the time and there are honest-to-god rapists walking around never having known punishment for their crime. (If 1 in 5 women survive rape, how many guys have raped? Were they drunk? Were they sober? Was it a crime of passion or planned out over time?) So perpetuate the problem and see if you get to live the rest of you’re life avoiding the odds of becoming a victim yourself, but “it was just a joke” is never a good excuse for telling shitty jokes. Jokes about jungle bush don’t get decent people criminally stigmatized, and most of the time every-day misogyny and self-loathing doesn’t come with crippling life-long trauma.

    1. i agree that it wasn’t funny and making rape jokes trivializes rape, but calm the fuck down! there is absolutely no need to be calling anyone a “vapid cunt.” karley made a joke that wasn’t cool, but even if you disagree with something she said you should still treat her with respect, christ. look at 99% of this blog, shes obviously intelligent and aware of feminist issues – ie not a “vapid cunt”

  4. This blog has helped me handle pretty much all of my girl crises since I started reading a couple of years ago. Actual feminist icon, tbh.

  5. i can’t hardly believe no one thinks the “Condoms suck but abortions suck more” line is too much. i mean this line obz proves you’ve had multiple abortions! they aren’t real kids until around 20 weeks anyways. i recommend having abortions as birth control well before the 12-week mark. otherwise, it does start looking all humanish and well, it’s just kind of weird.

    actually i recommend using the moon to track your cycle and using the natural know-when-your-ovulating-and-having-him-pull-out-method. but for this you need to trust the person a lot so as to avoid the nasty STDs and him fucking up the pull out part. so yeah, i guess this method is hard when your a total slut. i mean, i know because i tried it

  6. 1. Mexican food in general does not mix well with masturbation. (this is a dating tip?)
    2. ok.
    3. Boys who can afford Porsches but drive Camrys are creepier.
    4. A woman who fucks me after I play my harmonium for her is a keeper.
    5, 6. Practice, practice, practice.
    7. It always backfires when I mention that on a first date.
    8. The key to everything is to be confident.
    9. ?
    10. It’s called wax, jungle bunny.
    11. Openly pouting is much more authentic. And cuter.
    12. Translation: you will only talk to guys who wear cool clothes.
    13. If you publish all your private sextapes on this blog, you will become world-famous immediately. I promise.
    14. Does this mean bareback anal is in the cards?
    15. Even better, fuck someone in a cubicle. During work hours.
    16. Being hot is the point, and skinny can be completely unhot. Hot is a state of mind so there are no rules.
    17. Just because we call you out for being batshit crazy when you’re being batshit crazy doesn’t make us misogynists.
    18. Just try to do that in the correct order.
    19. We disagree about that being the best part about sex.
    20. Your problem is that you know people who need to be told not to do that.

  7. a few notes–
    you’re one of the hottest girls on the planet, but i hope you’re paying attention to your own rule 16. i’ve noticed you looking pretty skinny lately, and i warn you that if you develop an eating disorder i will not think you’re hot anymore. i know you’re in new york city now and all of those rich girls with their expensive coke and designer dresses are pretty intimidating but try not to let them buffalo you. think russ meyer. in fact if russ meyer was still alive i’ll bet he would hunt you down and make a film with you. in fact you’re hot enough to make russ meyer rise from the grave. so no puking, okay?

    regarding the rape ‘joke’ here and all of the prostitution stuff elsewhere on the blog, i think it’s worthwhile to mention that you are very young and you think you’re being really hardcore but you don’t know shit. those are very old and heavy topics and very much real life for a lot of women all over the world, unfortunately. i think vice magazine has a lot to answer for in the sense that gavin m and crew kind of made it okay to joke about stuff like that but here’s the difference: gavin was soooo fucking funny that it sort of worked. if you’re not that funny, and most of the wannabes aren’t, you do come off as being a privileged white girl trying to be hardcore and just being offensive and immature. oh and btw about the vice show, congratulations i guess but vice has been about as relevant as a geico commercial since gavin left, like five years ago.

    i could say more but i will finish with this: you shouldn’t have put those pictures of you blowing your boyfriend on your blog, and definitely don’t post any more pictures of yourself in the actual sex act. life is long, and you will want that stuff back, i promise you. the topless stuff and dumb artsy videos are fine! but the actual sex acts are tmi and they take you to a place you really shouldn’t want to go. i know you love attention but please respect yourself.

    sorry if this sounds harsh! i like you and your blog. just trying to be constructive.

  8. Tryin too much to provoke with that rape joke…its wasnt funny the first time some ignorant said it, its not funny when a pretentious-yet oh so cool blogger writes it ;-)

  9. I liked the rape joke, I thought it was funny. I am also a Dyke and I laugh at funny jokes about gay/lesbian people. One of the best things in life is being able to laugh at yourself. People need to fucking lighten up.

    1. I don’t think laughing at a rape joke is comparable to being able to “laugh at yourself.” You are not rape, are you?

  10. That was so good. Thank you.
    Keep on giving me “not so good” jokes. I’m a grown-up. I won’t faint.
    You learnt this: “On peut rire de tout, mais pas avec tout le monde.”

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