By Scout Durwood /
Ever wished you had a wise lesbian BFF you could turn to in all of your queer quandaries? Well, now you have Scout—aka Slutever’s new guest “Ask a Lez.” Scout Durwood is a Los Angeles based comedian, currently appearing on Oxygen’s comedy show, Funny Girls. She also writes the very funny (and helpful!) blog, Sex Advice from a Lesbian. I’ll now be nagging her to answer your reader questions (aka share her scissoring advice—j/k?) here on Slutever semi-regularly.
1. I’m a 26 year old bisexual girl, and I’m currently in my first same-sex relationship. I’ve been dating my girlfriend–who’s full lesbo–for 6 months now. I see our relationship progressing, and I’ve met her family, who are totally cool. But I can tell she feels weird that I haven’t yet told my family we’re together. My parents are conservative and religious, and I just think they’re going to freak out if I tell them I’m with a girl. Do you have any advice for me? Do I have to tell my parents? Should I wait another 6 months before I tell them, in case me and my gf end up breaking-up, and then I gave my parents heart attacks for no reason? And if I do tell them, how should I go about it? Confused Bi Lady
Coming out is like prom: some of us had an amazing time and can’t believe they were ever stressed out about it in the first place, some of us spent most of it in tears, and never want to speak of it again, and some of us decided not to go at all. I can say from experience that in general, hiding your sexual identity is WAY more stressful than sharing it, but if you think this may be just a one girl thing, then there is no harm in waiting it out to see if it sticks. Each of us is constantly evolving. Give yourself plenty of time to grow.
Second of all, congratulations, and welcome to the tribe! It sounds like there are three relationships at play here, so let’s take them one by one. First, you have the relationship between you and your girlfriend. Of course, you must support each other when times are tough, and be willing to compromise when times are even tougher. But it sounds like you’re already on the right path there. Relationship two, however, may be even more important, and that’s your relationship with your sexual identity. Whether and when you talk to your parents about being bisexual is about your relationships to men and women, not about your relationship with any one man or woman in particular. If you want to talk to your parents about being bi, then do it. Your girlfriend will be there to love and support you. However, this is your journey, not hers. Remember, you are coming out as bisexual, not coming out as someone else’s girlfriend.
As for when and how to do it, to thine own self be true. My general advice is to avoid pairing it with a major holiday or get-together, as there will already be a lot going on, and no one likes to multi-task. Pick a quiet time to bring it up to give everyone involved time and to react, ask questions, and respond in his or her own time. When I came out to my mother, she gave me some of the best advice I have ever received. Any tears there were to cry, she said, were hers to get over, not mine to explain.
The third relationship, is your partner’s relationship to her sexual identity. If she is out and proud, it may be hurtful for her to feel she has to hide who she is or to not be able to participate in an important part of your life, like family. It’s a balancing act, for sure, so play it like it’s chess, not checkers. It isn’t about leaping across the board, it’s about positioning yourself to make a victorious move in the end.
2. I’ve been seeing this guy for about three months. He’s a super hot babe, very nice and funny, and the sex is good. However, he’s a bit lazy and not super social. I get that he likes to chill in his room and smoke bongs or whatever, but I always end up doing the 10 minute walk through our dodgy neighbourhood to his place at night, and when I suggest him coming over he always makes excuses or just can’t be bothered! I’m a pretty laid back person, and we really do get along, but it’s starting to make me feel like shit that I just walk over to his house to have sex when he’s high. Also, a week ago, we had fun dinner and then came back to mine and hung out and had sex, and then he left at 11pm. Anyway, do you think he may like me and is just lazy, or do you think he is just using me for boning and BJs? Ugh.
Welcome to the “kiss or kill” moment in any extended hook up situation where one must dig deep within oneself and ask the age-old question: “What is this?” Said hook up dude is not acting like your boyfriend. He doesn’t come off as a great compromiser, and he doesn’t sound like he would impress your friends at parties. If you like where things are in terms of bong hits and sex, then stay in it as long as you like! But you did use the red flag phrase “starting to make me feel like shit,” which implies that you would prefer a revised situation. Unfortunately, it takes at least two consenting parties to be in a full-fledged relationship, and this fella doesn’t scream “ready to commit.”
You have two options. One, ghost this guy, never speak to him again and hope he learns his lesson. Two, get ready to wade into the dangerous waters of “talking about your feelings.” Should you choose option two, which I think is a stronger choice, but totally up to you, do so with confidence and intention. Having the same argument over and over is death to any relationship, so next time he booty calls and your bootie isn’t up to be called, let him know that you’re not up for it, and suggest an interaction in the human world, instead. If he says no, then he is making the choice not to see you. His loss. Don’t do things that make you feel like shit. Ever. Unless it’s delicious Mexican food, and you feel like living on the edge.
Keep the parts of this that bring you joy, try to have a positive influence on the parts that do not, and know that, in the end, you have to be willing to walk away. It is up to him to decide when he is ready to put the bong down and walk his own damn dog, and it is up to you not to do things that you resent having done. From what you’ve described, I’d be over it, too.