Ask Slutever

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Dear Slutever, I’ve been with my boyfriend for three years and all of a sudden he’s so weird about sex. It used to be SO good, but for the past few months he insists on the light being off and acts like it’s a damn race or something. It’s definitely not a “me” thing, because if anything I lost a bunch of weight and look better than he’s ever seen me. He also used to be pretty dominant, and although it was my first time being submissive, I was really into it. I’m good at adapting to whatever the person I’m fucking is into, but he always thought I was “just doing it for him.” Now he’s being all unsexy about sex, and it’s annoying. Any advice? Kim

Have you checked your roots? Maybe your roots need to be redyed. Nothing is less sexy than overgrown roots. NEXT QUESTION.

Just kidding. Hmm… this may sound fucked, but maybe your boyfriend is a weird power-hungry sadist, and now that you’ve lost weight and feel more confident than ever, he doesn’t feel the same mental and sexual power over you that he once did. Sexual power play is weird, because even though it’s the dominant sexual partner who’s supposedly in the position of power, we all know it’s really the sub who has control, because the sub has to willingly grant to the dominant partner power over them, in order for the play to ensue. (Sshhh!) Maybe you should go out of your way to make your boyfriend feel sexually confident–let him know how much it turns you on when he’s Domming you. Make up some sexy dream you had where he tied you up and choked you and raped you or some shit. Sometimes you have to feed men compliments (aka lies) in order to get them to fuck you the way you want.

I’m a 20 year old virgin and don’t want to be anymore because I’m horny as fuck. I have one thing getting in my way: I get so nervous that I always turn people down even if I’m really attracted to them, and if I really like a guy I pretty much turn into a clam and can’t even speak. Can you please give me some advice on how to gain more confidence, because my life is turning to shit. xo Rose

Rose, meet my lover of 15 years, vodka soda. Drinking a couple vodka sodas will make you more confident, less anxious and clam-like, and it’s low carb too, yay! Wait, you’re 20 years old… that advice is illegal. NEXT QUESTION.

No but seriously, not to get all yoga-guru on you, but maybe you should try to figure out the source of your anxiety, in order to combat it–why, deep down, does the thought of sex make you turn into a clam? Is it because you’re scared of rejection? Is it a general fear of the unknown? Fear of intimacy? Are you scared you’ll mess up? If it’s the rejection part, you just need to get over it, because literally, who cares? We all have to deal with sexual rejection in our lives–frequently, actually–so you might as well get used to it now. Think of it this way: at any given moment in time there are like 5 million other people in the world being rejected by someone they like, so you’re not alone. If it’s the intimacy part that scares you, well, I hate to break it to you but sex isn’t actually that intimate a lot of the time, especially if there is the aforementioned illegal vodka sodas involved, so don’t stress about that too much. And in regards to messing up, well, you have less to worry about in this department than the guys do. Of course it’s possible for women to be “bad in bed,” but there’s not very much we can do to fuck sex up to the point that we render it incapable of happening–only guys can do that. I mean, a hole is a hole is a hole, right?

The moral of the story is, you just need to face your fear and get your virginity out of the way so that you can stop freaking out and start having fun. After your first time you’ll be able to chill–sex will stop being this dark, menacing cloud hanging over your vagina, and just become a thing that you casually do once in awhile (mostly when drunk).

I’ve been sexting this guy who I really like, but who lives in a different city. He told me he’d want me be his gf if we lived in the same town. He sent me a picture of his dick and said ‘I love when you suck me.’ Does that have any relation to his feelings for me, or am I just reading too much into the word ‘love’? Does he just love it when I suck his dick, or does it mean something more? Annie

You’re reading too much into it. He’s saying he likes it when you suck his dick. The end.

On another note, what is the deal with the no-context dick photo? Guys, we don’t want to see a photo of just your penis! It’s not hot! Would you want to see a close-up shot of just my clit? I doubt it. That would be weird. There needs to be context to the genitals in order to make them appealing. Basically, dicks are scary as fuck unless they’re attached to a hot person, in which case they become an endless pleasure utensil. Try adding some torso to the dick pic, or maybe even go crazy and include all the way up to your lips, and I promise you’ll get better results :)

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