Ask Slutever

Photos by Nick Haymes

Dear Slutever,

I’m a 23 year old girl and I’ve always had a very high libido and been fairly sexually adventurous. The problem is, I seem to constantly make stupid choices when it comes to sex. If I’m feeling depressed, the way I cheer myself up is getting dressed up really sexy and going out and flirting with tons of guys, and then usually taking one home. They’re generally guys that aren’t that hot or cool–not the type I would seriously date–and I sort of get off on the fact that they are losers, which I guess is fine, bu I’d be too embarrassed to tell my friends about any of these guys, because I’m scared they would judge me.

I also feel bad because sometimes I fuck guys just because they fulfill a specific fantasy of mine. Like a couple months ago I slept with a Spanish guy just because I had been masturbating to the idea of fucking someone of “his type” recently, and then afterward I felt like I had used him. Aren’t we supposed to have sex with people because we actually like them, rather than because they look like someone you orgasmed to in your head? Also I had sex with two boys at once, and even though I loved it in the moment, the next morning I felt like a total slut and ashamed, and like a respectable woman would never do that. I feel conflicted because on one hand I love being sexually adventurous, but at the same time (and I know this sounds mega cheesy) I get jealous when I think about these girls with perfect sex lives when mine seems to be so unglamorous. lol. HELP. Anonymous

Back in my early twenties, during one of my more intense self-destructive sex addict phases, this older guy I was sleeping with said to me: “The hole you’re trying to fill, Karley, isn’t in your pussy, your ass or your mouth. You need to figure out what’s missing in your life and tend to it, otherwise you’re just going to end up fucking yourself into oblivion.” Apparently the statement resonated with me, because I’ve continued to ponder it for years afterward.

From what you wrote about sleeping with people to aid your depression, it seems like you use sex as a way to distract yourself from whatever is bothering you in your life. You feel bad about yourself so you go and fuck someone because you see sex as an “achievement.” Sex makes you feel good, wanted, desirable–afterward it’s almost like you accomplished something. Instant gratification. Well, I can definitely relate to those impulses. It’s almost like using sex as a form of therapy, which I don’t think is always a bad thing, but maybe you should take some time to work out what it is about yourself or your life that you’re unhappy with and make it better, otherwise, as the wise old man said, you’re just going to end up fucking yourself into oblivion. Or getting herpes.

No one has the perfect sex life. What does that even mean? We’ve all experienced guilt in relation to sex, or regretted sleeping with someone, or fucked someone we didn’t really like just because we were horny. If you’re the sort of person who sleeps with a lot of people, these little hiccups are going to happen from time to time. Also, who says it’s wrong to fuck someone because they fulfill a fantasy? There are many reasons people have sex–because we’re horny or lonely or in love or possessive or thrill-seeking or whatever. I don’t think any of them are “wrong.” Who says love has to be what motivates us to have sex? Why can’t we just want sex because we’re bored? A lot of the sex I’ve had in my life I did just because I knew it would make a good story later. Who cares?

Basically, random hook-ups will make you feel good momentarily but in the long run they won’t cure your depression. And in the meantime you need to stop feeling so guilty about the sex you’re having, because as long as you’re being careful then you’re allowed to fuck losers and Spanish people and be DP’d and essentially be as unglamorous as you like, because there are no rules, and if nothing else you’ll have lots of interesting stories to share later in life.

I’m a 20 year old girl and I’ve been having sex since I was 14. Like every other teenager, I spent most of my adolescent sex life hoping I’d remembered to shave my armpits and praying I didn’t queef. I feel reasonably better enlightened now, but am still confused about something: I have been able to give myself clitoral orgasms since I was like 13, and other people have given me them too. But when you (and about every other girl on the planet) talks about cumming, either during sex or on your own, do you mean a clitoral orgasm? Because I’ve tried to have a vaginal one for years, by having sex in freaky as fuck positions, fucking for like a million years, or imagining Tom Selleck’s dick or whatever, and nothing works. I know that some girls can’t, or don’t until they’re 60 (when they have a Samantha Jones sexual turn). But even when I have an orgasm during sex, it’s still a clitoral one (through stimulation), and even though I’m being fucked, the dickage is just kind of a nice extra feeling below. Am I just semantically confused and the world is actually talking about what I’m experiencing when they talk of orgasms during sex, or am I missing out on a whole plethora of orgasmic fun? Mel, SF

Thank fucking god. You took the words right out of my mouth, literally. I, for one, can not have “vaginal orgasms,” or g-spot orgasms, or whatever is it you want to call them (if they even exist). When I cum during sex it’s from clitoral stimulation, either from my own finger (most likely) or from the guy’s fingers, or from getting on top and sort of grinding my clit against the guy’s stomach area. For years I was convinced that every girl who talked about having g-spot orgasms was straight-up lying, however at this point enough trustworthy people have sworn to me that they’ve experienced the elusive g-spot climax that I guess I believe it’s true. Although TBH, in the back of my mind I still wonder whether those people are just fundamentally confused about what they’re feeling and where.

But yes, as you so eloquently put it, “the dickage is just kind of a nice extra feeling below.” For me, on a purely physical level, sex doesn’t feel better than masturbating. It’s actually the other way around, because my orgasms are more intense when there isn’t some idiot distracting me. However sex is obviously more “fun” than jerking-off because it’s interactive and unpredictable and you get to perform and all that stuff–sort of like being in a real life porno! And also there’s the whole emotional element of sex that can add to the intensity of the experience or whatever… although I’ve never been so good at that part, so maybe I’m not the best person to ask about that.

Basically, I think every vagina is different, and some girls were just blessed with talented vaginas that can cum through internal stimulation. Lucky bitches. Unforch, you and I are not those girls, and I doubt I will ever suddenly get to a point when it will just happen for me, because like you I’ve exhausted most of the position/duration/partner sex combos and have had no luck. Or even gotten close.

The moral of the story is: I hate my vagina.



60 Replies to “Ask Slutever”

  1. I want to #babyshake these two girls and scream theres nothing wrong with them. Just be safe try not to over think it and enjoy the fact that your cumming

  2. Cumming during sex is more intense than masturbating for me. Maybe I’m lucky but I can come on top super easily, but also when a guy is on top. Its the grinding thing but I guess u just have to basically steer them, slow down and get the right pressure, and then pretend their pelvic bone is your finger and move under it til you come. Def takes practice, but its kind of cool to control it that way…

  3. omg exactly!!!!! thank you! i am so sick of acting like i came but in the beginning its so much more exciting when a guy is fucking you and not your hand.

    1. Ohh!!! That’s a confusing one. It must be hard for you.. Well in this suotaiitn, i can help you!lol!!just kiding what about ur bf? may be he can help you getting it.

  4. My girlfriend had sex with your boyfriend. I am really sad about it but maybe we should have sex too so we’ve come full circle

  5. women who have orgasms during intercourse without manual (hand or finger) stimulation have just been fortunate to have found a partner who’s anatomy fits theirs. i am one of those fortunate women. this is how it goes: first you get really turned on, then you have them stick it in. then, you have them tilt their pelvic BONE so that it hits your clit while they are pounding you. it’s that simple. it’s all about the anatomy and where that anatomy is positioned. as for having vaginal orgasms without any male part hitting the clit, i know it’s not as common.

    i do know that i had this one dude with a penis shaped like a fucking banana (no shit) and that fruit hit me just right -to where i thought i was going to join the angels in heaven even WITHOUT clitoral stimulation, so i do think it is possible to have a guy hit you in all the right vaginal places and be in bliss even without a fucking orgasm. every single time he thrust into me it was like sticking my whole body in nirvana. over and over and over until i didn’t care if i ever reached orgasm, i just wanted him to fuck me forever and ever, amen

    oh and what 20yo fantasizes about tom selleck?

    1. I second that I met and dated a banana shaped penis and the guy attached to it. I had the most amazing orgasms I would pee that is how much I could not control my body. I was just like any other girl I could not have an orgasm. Until I met the elusive banana shaped penis. I fell madly in love with him but now I think it was his penis. If I am single again my line will be show me your dick. Older and wiser I will not waste time dating the man when at the end of the day is the penis the one that matters.

      1. I’m gonna go ahead and suggest that you were probably squirting and not peeing. It’s frigging impossible to pee when you’re turned on and it’s pretty normal for a gal to squirt during intense orgasms.

        1. I’ve read conflicting accounts on this. I’ve personally done this a couple times, where I come, and a veritable deluge of some kind of bodily fluid GUSHES out. but I never knew if it was urine, or some other thing. I think I always just assumed it was urine because there was SO much of it. how could a pussy release like a half liter of fluid spontaneously?
          if it does, that’s fucking awesome!! would love to have an expert weigh in on this…

  6. oh and i should add that Height matters to me. the best sex i ever had was with a guy that was almost the same height as me. we fucked for seven years and i never not once did not have an orgasm (even without manual stimulation to the clit). part of it was due to how our bodies collided just right. and some of it was due to the fact that we were in love (not the banana dude – he was later).

  7. Ok. A BIG question. Why are some girls vaginas so tight they tear my dick, and some are like a small cave? It’s got seemingly nothing to with size of the girl or how much experience she’s had.. it seems totally random, and something I’d like to know. Fancy an internal investigation Karley?


    1. As they say below, height and banana shape for u guys and inverted tunnel vs little cave for us make the difference. A good/wrong combination can as delightful as painful as total indifference feelings for both ;)

  8. Oh my god, me too! I cum with clitoral stimulation and have in the past had vaginal orgasms but the clitoral orgasms are just far better for me.

  9. Hey Karley, thank your vagina for being able to cum through clit. I can ONLY cum through g-spot, and only when my boyfriend does it (something to do with massive hands I’m presuming). I can’t orgasm AT ALL when I masturbate! This is seriously tiresome and very boring when my boyfriend isn’t around. I’ve only ever had a clit orgasm once in my entire life (for the first time, aged 20) and I think the only reason I managed it was because I was high as fuck. I’ve spent my entire adolescence desperately trying to orgasm and failing. Now I’ve done it once I’m desperate to do it again, but I kinda don’t want to have to get high every time (I’m trying the whole not relying on drugs thing). So yeah. You’re lucky!

    1. Wow .this really intreesting!!! It is too complex to give a simple answer. Is it really fair to your mate for you to fake an orgasm? Men are very egotistical when it comes it comes to sex. For some, sex is their ultimate expression of how they feel about a woman. Now, if you waited for some time before having sex or making love and feelings are involved and he just does not perform well, it may cause you to fake an orgasm. You do not want to hurt his feel or crush his ego. This is when you have to be adults and have an adult conversation. I know sex is very important in a relationship but eventually its importance diminishes to everyone. Relationships needs to be based on more than sex. So, the bottom line is if you have to fake an orgasm every now and then for the sake of your mate’s feelings .do it ..DO NOT TELL HIM OR YOUR GIRLFRIENDS!!!!!

    2. In the human species, from about age seven or eight until the mddile teens, the androgen levels in the female and the male are about equal. Then the androgen levels begin to rise more markedly in the male, and less so in the female, and it is generally considered that older females have androgen levels that are about two-thirds as high as those of the male.Since we found a sudden upsurge of sexual responsiveness and overt sexual activity among human males at the beginning of adolescence, there may seem to be some correlation with the androgen picture; but the upsurge of sexual responsiveness in the male is much more abrupt than the steady rise in the levels of his androgens.As for the female, there seems to be no correlation at all between the levels of her androgens and her slow and gradual development of sexual responsiveness and overt sexual activity.(p730 Sexual behavior in the human female’ by Alfred Kinsey published 1953)

  10. I hear over and over again about girls who can’t have a vaginal orgasm, only clitoral ones, but I’ve never heard anyone say they have the opposite problem–and I do. My clitoris doesn’t do it for me; if I stimulate it a lot I get this extreme ticklish feeling, which is enjoyable, but it never turns into an orgasm. Since I was a kid, I’ve masturbated in a weird way that gives me vaginal orgasms instead (I lay on my stomach and sort of squeeze my thighs together), and I never learned how to masturbate with my clit. I’ve found very little reference throughout my life to the way I’ve always masturbated, and I feel like this method has sort of trained my body into having vaginal orgasms. Idk? Has anyone else here had this experience?

    1. I have had the same experience throughout my sex life and used to masterbate (and still do) in the same way. Clitoral stimulation does nothing more than, yes, provide a ticklish kind of good sensation. I will have multiple vaginal orgasms though pretty much every time I have sex and can control it quite well. I can’t really imagine what sex would even be like without this kind of orgasm.

      1. When Master and I first split up a few years back, I had the same problem just heirnag the phone ring and seeing his number on the caller ID was enough for me to start getting wet. Once he started talking I couldn’t help myself, my hand would stray. Didn’t matter what he was saying, just the sound of his voice was enough. Same as you, though, I held back it somehow didn’t seem right, but I usually finished after hanging up with him.Sending hugs, you seem to be staying so strong through this.lalana

      2. Great story, Jane. You have great insight on the way men and women can best live-play-frolic in hamorny with each other’s wants and needs while experiencing mutual pleasure.

    2. Oh girl. Since i was a kid I used to masurbate that way (actually I need to hold tight a pillow) and that always made me feel a dirty and weird little girl. And now I discover it’s not only me, and it’s not bad at all!

      This blog really made my day.

    3. See my comment above yours! Just don’t know what to do about it. No one seems to know! Keep trying I guess…

    4. holy crap! me too! always as a kid I jacked off lying on my stomach and kind of manually simulated penetration with both my hands, while squeezing thighs together. to this day I get off on penetration way more than clitoral stimulation (although that’s always nice too!) *high fives*

  11. Letter Writer #2 & Karley: I had my first “internal”/g-spot orgasm while masturbating. It helps to go back and forth between the clit and the inside area; eventually one kind of stimulates the other. But it takes practice b/c G-spot orgasms are a completely different sensation so you don’t exactly know what you’re looking for.

    Good luck!

  12. what kind of woman refers to female masturbation as “jerking off”?..why you have yet to realize you are a lesbian blows my mind!

    p.s. you have an extremely nice rump.

    p.s.s. to the women who go out and simply fuck because they are lonely, you are sluts, but that’s okay(don’t think us men can’t tell the difference between a flappy pussy and one that’s been taken care of though)…a man can do it and he’ll wake up a man, that’s the beauty of being a man, ha, deal with it ladies…but every different dick a women takes makes her that much more of a slut, but it’s alright, what’s done is done. however, never will the day come when a 24 year old woman which proclaims she’s slept with 30 men (or more) be considered “normal”…for women’s sake, thank god Mark Bellison invented the lie! ha…

    1. I pernlsaloy feel not all women or men fake an ORGASM! Myself pernlsaloy know how to get mines from how ever, not to be funny, but faking an orgasm is not necessary! If I didn’t you will know, because I wont say s**t, if I do then everyone will know even the neighbors. LOL! But for real, if you know what it take to make it happen and know your own body then BAM, no faking it! Someone people are just worn out from to much sex, have to much stress, medication or body is just malfunctioning from sickness, but what every the case is, if you have the right partner you can both explore what each other likes and how they respond to each other. If compatible, some partner can bring out things in you that you didn’t know was in you. So faking Orgasm, NA!

    2. I had my first orgasms toghurh self stimulation while very young. I then had them in my teens with partners, but was able to have better ones by myself with a vibrator. It wasn’t until my mid twenties that I started truly enjoying sex and then a whole new world of various sorts of orgasms arrived toghurh partner play and by myself. All different levels exist.

  13. I wish I had read the second advice column when I was 17 – it would have saved me from so many nights of scream down my pants ‘WHY WON’T YOU WORK VAGINA?’

  14. how is the first girl’s sex life not glamorous? The opposite of what she does is sex with the same person in missionary, that isn’t glamorous, that is boring. I want to fuck a spanish person.

    1. point is, all orgasms are clitoral! direct stimulation or not.

      a guy can not orgasm without a penis, a woman can not orgasm without a clitoris, its physiology 101

      wether you squeeze your legs or wether you rub your clit, all the blood flows to the clitoris to make the orgasm happen. think of it like the heart of sex.

      1. Yeah the orgasms may be related to the clit, but g-spot orgasms seem to be more profound (sorry) whether that’s because women aren’t expecting them, because they’re less used to them, or because they genuinely are some next-level shit, i dont know. I do know every woman i’ve given them to has given me the craziest look afterwards, like she wants to tear me to pieces so i can live inside her. Clit orgasms dont seem to produce teh same results.

        The good news is that you may find at any time that you can cum from inside. my most recent ex had definitely fucked quite a few guys (she was awesome in bed, damn i miss that) and I gave her her first at the age of 31. I only managed it again a handful of times in the next year, it’s fucking elusive, but i would suggest that there sometimes needs to be an emotional connection, which is where you guys might be going wrong.

        this is all anecdotal, i really, obviously have no fucking clue how it works or i’d be a gazzillionairre.

        Keep the faith!

          1. I dunno, It’s pretty hard to fake female ejaculation i reckon, plus if she was faking it she would have done it more often.

  15. I do have gspot orgasms easily but rarely orgasm from clitoral stimulation alone.
    If I’m completely relaxed and take it from behind I almost always have a vaginal orgasm. It’s so intense I can’t control my body and will literally spasm haha
    i dunno maybe im lucky or maybe my boyfriend does a good job who knows

  16. For the first girl, let me just say that the only reason every girl does not do what you are doing at one point or another is because we are taught to be ashamed and/or afraid to. Most of my friends are hetero guys and they slap each other in the back for each girl they successfully pick up and fuck. Sex is fun and people can like it for its own sake, even if they are female people. Regarding being depressed though, the advice offered was spot on. Take care of yourself and be careful out there.

    As for vaginal orgasms vs clitoral, I am on the team with those who find the latter easier to achieve. I can give myself either, but unless I am using a strong as hell vibrator it’s pretty hard for me to get off on clitoral stimulation alone. Conversely, rubbing my clit makes cumming happen much faster when I’m being fucked by a penis or a toy, but as long as I’m worked up and into it I can cum without touching it. The orgasms DO feel different. Clitoral is all light and fluttery, vaginal g spot more of a deep throbbing, and anal (technically also g spot) is just can’t-see-earth-shattering-where-am-I bananas. But hey, even if you can only cum one way, it’s still pretty fucking great. Sadly, lots of women have never learned to orgasm at all.

  17. I’ve been having clitoral orgasms since I was a kid. The ONLY time I have ever cum from vaginal penetration alone was recently, when I masturbated to porn (not uncommon for me) using a huge dildo (also not uncommon). I had started off with clit stimulation, then both clit and vaginal, then just vaginal, at which point I just kept going with that and came from it shortly after. I’ve tried doing it before, but it never worked – I’d be there for hours and never reach the point where I felt like I might cum. Same with sex with my man love – vaginal-only just doesn’t work (yet?). As for what the vaginal vs clitoral orgasms feel like, I didn’t notice much difference. I definitely felt more euphoric from that vaginal one, but that was because I wanted to run into the street, naked, waving my dildo yelling “I just came from this in my vagina, ALONE!!!” and do a happy dance. Also, I didn’t ejaculate from that vaginal orgasm.

    My most intense orgasms are when I can stimulate my clit and have deep penetration at the same time, then I often have more orgasms right after from my clit being stimulated by my dude’s pubic bone (me on top, lying down on him, I sort of ‘bounce’ my butt up and down and he thrusts into me at the same time).

    There just isn’t a tried-and-true method for orgasms, which sort of sucks because we can’t just copy how others have managed them and then, voila, we have ’em too! I may never have another vaginal orgasm, and that’s ok.

  18. Women have clit orgasms because when we are foetus’s, we all have the same sex organs, in males, the clit grows into a penis. Thats why girls have clit orgasms, because there is the same amount of nerves in a dick as there is in a tiny clit. I think-spts are an extension of the clit, like it sits deeper in some girls and they can feel it from inside the vagina… Thats my theory anyway and i mainly have g-spt orgasms from my boyfriends dick hitting the exact spot.

  19. What is said to you, “The hole you’re trying to fill, Karley, isn’t in your pussy, your ass or your mouth. You need to figure out what’s missing in your life and tend to it, otherwise you’re just going to end up fucking yourself into oblivion,” has deeply resonated with me, too.
    I’ve had sex with nearly 50 people, mostly men. I feel like I’m trying to fill a void. Abandonment issues, daddy and mommy issues, and just being fucking horny.
    All I know is I’m not happy.
    With that said, I want to know how you think I could get there.

    1. everyone’s problems are different. If you know you have some but dont know what they are, i’d go see a counsellor. The trick is finding one you can really talk to.

  20. There is no vaginal orgasm. the fact is that the clitoris is not just external, it has “ramifications” inside, which surround/encircle the vagina et some of the ramifications also go near the anus. Every orgasm is a clitoral one, and pleasure comes from inside and/or outside stimulation of the clitoris. the G spot is just a small area where the clitoral ramifications are very close behind the vagina’s inner surface. Personnaly, I have bigger orgasms when “all” ramifications are stimulated : externally with my fingers, and internally through vaginal and anal stimulation. (sorry for my english, I’m french)

  21. To Anonymous – It seems as though you’re an unfortunate victim of slut-shaming. If you enjoy what you’re doing, then own it with yourself, be safe, and be happy with it, and you! If depression is an issue, seek ways to work on that whether it involves changing your sexual ways, or not.

    To Mel, SF – I’m amused at part of this thread, but feel the need to help educate. I’m a 30-something with a good share of personal experience and knowledge, that as a 20-something I didn’t have. Also, it’s my actual job to teach people about their bodies, especially in the sensual/sexual aspect.

    G-Spot “vaginal” orgasms are VERY real. Being one of the lucky ones, I didn’t realize for quite awhile that so many others were unaware of this amazingness. Rather than going into “presentation mode” here I’ll just let you know that there are books that teach various masturbation/sexual techniques, toys to help the sexcess (some specifically for stimulating the G-Spot), and even a G-Spot creme that will enlarge it, making it much easier to find!
    Once you learn how to properly find and stimulate your elusive hot spot, it’ll be that much easier to show significant others!
    * As for the clitoral hot spot there’s a gel to enhance those orgasms as well. (Both of those items are promoted and praised by various & reputable forms of media!)

    I wish I hadn’t started this post just as I was about to go to sleep, but I’ll be back later. Responses are cool here, but if anyone has private questions, feel free to message me privately. =)

    Best of luck & skills to you!

  22. No clean way to put this one but I think every woman has faked an orgasm at least once in life. It doesn’t nsaeescrily mean buddy ain’t hitting it right. Sometimes situations have to be right for sex to be right and enjoyable. Me personally, if there is a situation where I have to fake I rather do without. Either I’m not in the mood so that will be the result or there may be that off chance that I get a dude who has no idea how to please me If that is the case the rabbit under my bed has 6 different speeds, rotating beads, a tickler, doesn’t make me sticky and is SURE to give me a happy ending !

  23. RE:It would be more useful to ask older women, who have less to prove, what they think of sex. I have tried talknig to women of all ages about sex and the vast majority prefers to make no comment at all. In fact, very few women are shouting from the rooftops about the marvels of sex. Unfortunately the majority is intimidated by the sexual ego of the minority (one woman in million).This is So True.I even know one guy who’s wife told him on her 50th birthday that she no longer required his services. They’re still married as far as I know 8)

  24. Interesting topic, girls.

    I think it depends on your body, but also largely on the type of sex, and your partner’s expertise.
    Sex with my girlfriend is phenomenal. G-spot orgasms through finger stimulation are really possible and aren’t a myth. I wouldn’t be surprised if lots of Bi/Gay girls agree with me here. Knowing your body is where you need to start.

    xx Yass

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