Ask Slutever

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Is it wrong to tell the person you’re dating that you wouldn’t mind if they gained a little weight?  I’ve been seeing a girl who is beautiful and very sweet, but I’ve always had a thing for girls who are a little curvier. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with her–in fact, she’s damn near perfect–but if she happened to want to not worry about her weight so much and gain a few pounds by eating some delicious meals, we could both be happy, right?  Is that so wrong?  Chevy

Why don’t you say to her: “I see you’re drinking 1%. Is that because you think you’re fat? ‘Cause you’re not. You could be drinking whole if you wanted to.” And if she says, “What are you talking about, I’m not drinking milk right now,” you can just laugh and say, “I know baby, I was only making a joke. Oh and by the way I like fat chicks.”

Girls don’t like to be advised on issues of weight. We like to be told that we look perfect and then for you to walk away. However, there are ways that you can achieve your goal discretely, using tactics such as subliminal messaging and deception. For example: Remember that book The Sneaky Chef that became famous a while back? It was basically a how-to guide for mothers on how to trick their children into eating vegetables. The gist of the book was that you can just hide veggies inside other, more tasty foods—“hide a lump of spinach inside a meatball!”, etc. Genius. Well, you can use this method too, except instead of hiding veggies you can hide lard. Peel a banana, take the banana out, fill the skin with sour cream, sew it back up CAREFULLY. She’ll never know. Hide a slab of animal fat underneath a pile of kale. Or, you could eat a McDonalds hamburger immediately before seeing her and then kiss her with your lips covered in a layer of grease lipgloss–that should give her at least 20 calories.

Casually tell your girlfriend that Real Women Have Curves is your favorite movie. Tell her you preferred Jessica Simpson in her 2009/2010 phase, and that before that she looked “like a man.” Or, alternatively, you could wait until you two have been dating long enough that you have an understanding of her prides and insecurities, and if you feel like it wouldn’t hurt her to say “I love your body so much that I wouldn’t mind there being even more of it,” then I say go for it. It will probs just make her feel skinny. (We love that.)

My date spunked on my stomach and I woke up with this baffling scabby thing where the cum was. Do you think it’s more likely that the shirt I was wearing stuck to his cum and bonded to my skin, later resulting in it (my precious human skin) being torn off, OR that this dude has acidic demon semen? Thanks, Jessa

Were you having sex with a human or a bull? Bulls have an acidic protein in their spunk, so if you were fucking a bull (no judgments here, we went to liberal art schools!) then it would make sense why his seminal fluid might have marked your skin. If you were having sex with a human, well, how the fuck am I supposed to know? Maybe a piece of cigarette ash dropped on your skin while you were blacked-out in the same place that the jizz was. Whatever, who cares. I doubt the guy is a demon. You don’t live inside an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

My boyfriend has never been interested in having sex while I’m on my period. I never really broached the subject with him until recently, since most of the time I feel like a mess while menstruating anyway. However, I will be having my period during my birthday this year and don’t want to miss out on getting some action just because my bf is grossed out by a little uterine lining. He literally said, “It’s just not right.” Like, what?! It’s 2013 for Christ’s sake. I know your thoughts on the matter and I was wondering if you have any ideas on how to convince my nun of a boyfriend to get a clue. Sincerely, Red Haze

As Katy Perry once advised me on the issue of period sex at the Chateau Marmont hotel in LA: “Put a towel down, put a towel down, put a towel down.” The moral of the story is, put a towel down. The other moral is if Katy Perry has sex on her period then so should we, because she’s famous and famous people are better and more knowledgeable than us normals on matters of literally everything.

Tell your boyfriend to think of it this way: Having sex on your period is like painting with your vagina. Look down at the towel underneath you post coital and say, “We created this piece of art together,” then put a photo of your conceptual art on Tumblr. A couple that blogs together stays together.

Does your boyfriend not know that blood is nature’s lubricant? Tell your dumb bf that the blood doesn’t actually go inside the pee hole, it just gets on the skin, and that blood is easily removed from skin with water. GOD. Remind him that you drink the gross milky liquid that he stores inside his balls on a regular basis, and that he should just grow the fuck up and deal with it. My ex used to be a wuss about period sex too. He’d always fuck me, but then would make a grossed-out face afterward and whine about having to take a shower. At a point it was like, “Jeez, if it’s such torture to have sex with me then please don’t bother. I’ll gladly roll out onto the sidewalk outside my apartment building naked and wait for a REAL MAN to come along and do the job right.”

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