Photo by Helmut Newton
I’m a 20 year old girl, I’ve been with my boyfriend for over a year, and a few months ago we moved in together. I love him, he’s a great lover, and I’ve never felt so close to a person in my life, yet I feel like something’s missing. Last weekend I visited a friend in a different city, and I met a few of her hot male friends. I was honestly considering sleeping with this one guy while my boyfriend was at home missing me. I feel so confused and desperate. I would never want to hurt him, yet I keep wondering if we are meant to be. I can’t talk to my friends about this because I feel so embarrassed about myself. Help! Kayla
Well Kayla, the technical term for what you’re experiencing is FOMO–fear of missing out syndrome. Your eggs are panicked that by only fucking your boyfriend they’re missing out on partying with better, hotter, funnier, most stylish sperm. But don’t worry, this is totally normal! The question isn’t why you feel this way, but rather how you should respond to these completely run-of-the-mill (and frankly quite boring) feelings.
It’s ridiculous to think that just because we love someone our lust for others will miraculously disappear. Lust is an inherent human reality, and it will never be fully tamed by love. Sure, sometimes during the first stages of a new relationship, we can become so infatuated with a person that for a while we’re blind to other sexual stimulus. But this phenomenon generally fades pretty past. Basically, no matter how in love we are, we’re still going to want to fuck our friend’s hot friends (and the cute American Apparel check-out guy and Michael Cera and our second cousins and anyone wearing a uniform and Stephen Colbert for some weird reason).
The issue of monogamy is stressful–I’m with you on that one! On one hand, I know it’s crazy to assume that one person can give me everything I want–can be amazing in bed, can be kind, can make me laugh, can stimulate me intellectually, can make me lentil soup when I’m depressed, etc. That’s asking a lot of one person! But on the other hand, there’s that annoying thing known as jealousy, which gets in the way of rational thought.
The romantic part of my brain believes that deciding to be faithful to one person is really beautiful, because making that sexual sacrifice can result in a stronger relationship. However, the other part of my brain (the larger, more intelligent part) thinks, “Life is short, we should all fuck whoever we want.” Overall, I think Dan Savage’s idea of “monogamish” is a pretty good relationship model. The idea is that you can be together with one other person, but loosen the reigns of your relationship just enough to give you both a little breathing room. Another term for this would be “open relationship,” although I know that scares some people off, because how open is “open”? Does open mean a no-boundaries fuck-fest where your partner is having intimate and emotional relationships with a zillion other people? Or does open mean that once in awhile, if you’re out of town, or drunk at a random party, you can fuck someone else and not have it be the end of the world? As Dan Savage put it, “Sometimes opening the door just a crack can keep the door from blowing off its hinges.” And I really think that’s true. Because we all want what we can’t have, right? So if you can’t fuck someone else, you’re obviously going to want to desperately. But if the rules aren’t so strict, you become sort of like, “Yeah, whatever… maybe later. My crotch isn’t groomed anyway.”
But in case this new relationship model doesn’t pan out, then what are your options? Well, you can dump your boyfriend, or you can cheat. Now, cheating is probably not the most admirable thing a person can do, but sometimes I think it’s OK, if done correctly. If done in secrecy and with respect to your partner (no blabbing to friends!), and if the cheating doesn’t get out of control and isn’t too close to home, it’s not so terrible. Especially if you consider that the alternative is you being unhappy and potentially starting to resent your partner, thus causing problems within your relationship. Am I a bad person? Maybe. But so are you, probs.
And lastly, I have to acknowledge that you’re only 20. I hate to break it to you, but even if you and your boyfriend are “meant to be” for now, you probably won’t be together forever. Or at least I hope you won’t. It’s good for people to experience multiple relationships in our lives, because each new person we date teaches us something new about the world, and about ourselves. Think of all the things you’ll miss out on by staying with one guy forever–you’ll never fuck a guy twice your age, you’ll never be in an orgy, you’ll never be a lesbian, or a prostitute, or a single girl going on a sex rampage across Europe. If you miss out on these things, you’ll regret it when you die. You’re welcome.
I agree with the first couple of paragraphs that its normal to lust after other people when in a relationship.
What I dont agree with is why is it so terrible to not get to fuck people you are attracted to. Ultimately life is a compromise. All those things Karly listed at the end of the article are fine, but I also think that being in a truly loving relationship is another great experience that one should not take for granted. Being in a close relationship will teach you things about yourself and your potential as a human being that you might not learn by going on a sex rampage. Ultimately if you go down the expirement path you will be foregoing the intimacy you have with your boyfriend – like I said life is a compromise.
Sure you can try and have your cake and eat it too – but their are risks associated with that. Karley is making a sloppy assumption when she says loosenign up the relationship will make your bond stronger – it might but it might not. This is an assumption based on hopefullnes.
Your relationship might fail so dont put all of your eggs in one basket. Develop yourself and become more confident in who you are and than you will be able to face whatever life throws at you. Good luck!
Oh to be that young and innocent again!
so true… :)
This is why I love this blog. Whenever I get all in my head about my relationship/s, you offer some insight into slutsville. And I’m like, oh, yeah, there’s no problem here, society just has some weird rules that aren’t all that relevant to me.
I have to say, Karley has pretty much hit the nail on the head (although she’s used a shoe and not a hammer). There’s a lot of hype about Jeremy Forrest in England at the moment. He’s a teacher who fell in love with his pupil and received a jail sentence for child abduction. I don’t agree with the way in which the case was handled or the way in which he has been disgraced in public. But there are some parallels with regard to the inappropriateness of the love affair. Allow me to elaborate.
There are numerous constellations when it comes to partnerships/relationships/affairs: right time, wrong person; right person, wrong time; wrong person, wrong time but, fuck, what an amazing experience; right time, right person but, hang on, there’s something over there that fits the bill as well. Throw insatiability in the mix and the constellations just multiply and become increasingly complicated.
Take the teacher and pupil labels away and you’re left with a 30 year old man and a 15 year old girl (twice her age). One night, they are alleged to have had sex 8 times in a hotel room. That’s raw passion, infatuation and love all rolled into one. Two people came together, one disaffected and the other confused, dejected and forlorn, and they discovered a lust for life. Outside of the school environment, some people might frown upon it in the same way that they disapprove of recreational drugs, but there would be no court involvement, no large-scale humiliation, no five and a half year jail sentence; certainly not in France.
So, let’s get back to the 20 year old. She already fits society’s mould but is questioning whether this is the right time to settle down. I suspect it’s a “right person, wrong time” scenario. But what if she ends the relationship to embark upon a journey of discovery and doesn’t find her idea of perfection again in a new partner later on? It’s a bit of a gamble. If I understand her correctly, Karley is saying that the idea of perfection is relative and if someone has a sexual itch, it needs to be scratched. But, at the same time, playing the field is slutty and cheating on a partner compromises your integrity. In essence, there’s usually a price to pay.
Jeremy Forrest has a big price to pay. It may be worth it from his perspective and the two might endure the current inconvenience of his incarceration and develop a wholesome and healthy relationship. I personally would have a problem coming to terms with the fact that I had been vulnerable and dishonourable and that I lied and cheated to enjoy a moment of passion. It could easily happen again. In all reality, we probably also have to accept that little outbursts of this kind are unlikely to change anything about the banality of our usual existence in the long term.
When I was growing up, we used to have this stuff called Space Dust. You could buy it in the sweet shop for a few pence (I think you can still get it). You put the powder in your mouth and your tongue becomes fizzy and effervescent and tingly and you can hear crackling from inside your mouth. It’s a really weird and strangely exciting experience. Karley fascinates me because it seems that she is ever on the hunt for this effervescence in life and constantly discovering that it fizzes out. She might be having a ball in fits and bursts but it is not underpinned by anything sustainable. In some ways I admire her. But I also worry about the destructiveness of her course. Likewise, I feel sorry for Jeremy and Megan. Their affair was as wacky as Space Dust but the notion of falling in love and experiencing intimacy and passion is surely what we’re all about as humans, isn’t it? Whether it happens in reality or just in our minds, it makes us feel alive.
The question is: what do you do when you discover that oral sex is taken to a new level with Space Dust in your mouth and you really want to experience it for yourself but your partner isn’t into it? You can dream about it but you’re never really going to know what it’s like having pre-cum or pussy juice in your mouth mixed with crackle and pop. And you’re never going to know what it’s like having dozens of little grains growling on your genitals as someone licks and sucks you to orgasmic bliss and your voracity is satisfied for a short but all too infrequent spell.
What you’re describing sounds a lot like statutory rape. How this is similar to an adult relationship is unclear to me.
exactly, sj-sands.
I don’t condone the relationship “Older guy” is describing, but I think the age of consent / statutory rape laws are different in the UK. Don’t feel like having “age of consent” in my google history, tho! :)
I identified with this problem, then I saw the ‘quite frankly boring’ part and then thought ‘shit, I need to be more interesting’. Now FOMO is not my only problem! I’m off to join a band.
Just did the sex rampage across Europe. I recommend it.
I think that integrity is something fleeting in our lives today. Having said that, the love lust discussion is something that should be talked about with your boyfriend because you should imagine the shoe on the other foot. Maybe the ball is in your court and the stability of a loving relationship is making you more confident and alluring to other men… It is a common phenomenon that sleeping with another person can quickly fade away if feelings like guilt are involved. See how your partner feels about these things for all you know, he may be dealing with similar issues- he is a 20 year old male too I assume. You make be able to have your cake and eat it too but do it with integrity that will grow you as a person rather than create permissibles that will tear away at what sounds like a core not yet torn apart by choices that create cognitive dissonance.
Jealousy, possessiveness and insecurity are immature yet unavoidable emotions we all wish we didn’t have. Open relationships can either help you work through those feelings like an adult OR turn you into a crazy, paranoid, vengeful Basic Instinct-esque psycho. Like monogamy, it’s a lifestyle that’s not right for everyone. There are benefits and drawbacks to anything.
The key is consent. Fucking some random person without your partner’s consent is cheating. Full stop.
Save monogamy for when you are old and ugly..or bald maybe.
I actually agree that cheating can be okay if you don’t flaunt it. I was in a relationship with somebody and I would sometimes wander off to get fucked by somebody I had been lusting after. Inevitably every time it made me treasure the intimacy that I had with my boyfriend more. It actually really helped me appreciate what he gave me more.
so i get what you´re saying BUT i don´t think so. if you really really like someone no matter what age, you just simply dont consider sleeping with somebody else. thats simple chemistry/biology/what ever…if you REALLY like someone you wont consider that…
FUCK THEM ALL!
NICE good advice, karley
thanks :)
Thank you for your comment ‘Older guy’.
I am 23 and in my first relationship with a 33 year old. We have been together for three years and sometimes I have the same feelings – that I miss out. I sometimes even resent that my boyfriend has been in quite a few relationships and I haven’t – I would love to stay together with him, as I am quite a private person and I wonder whether I’ll ever let someone as close to me as him – but how will I know other than leaving him? It is a tough one. There were many moments I wanted to leave him but so far, we have been together for three years. Yes, there are compromises but I really enjoy the intimacy and trust I have with my boyfriend and closeness etc etc etc I personally can’t have with someone else I’ve just met and want to fuck.
I wish I had been in other relationships before I had met him – it would have made me wiser and mature but it is at it is. Why ruin something when I’m happy with him? Is happiness not enough? Argh…. I wonder. I will probably for another 50-60 years considering I don’t commit suicide beforehand (fuckin hell, 50 years seem goddamn long!!) and I wonder whether I will/want to spend these 50 years with him – with one person – omfg, how boring, someone might think. But there is something truly beautiful about it as well, I suppose.
I’m thinking as I write..
I think, a lot of these days people are natural to want a lot. We are not happy with one person, no, there is so much to discover and learn in this world, you just want to suck it all up and be part of this energetic movement. That’s why I moved out of my home place – I suddenly could mold myself into a new person! I live in London now and it’s very energetic as well, sometimes the flow is just too quick for me and I’m exhausted – I wonder, gosh, maybe I could just leave all over again, maybe go to New York, live a glamorous, tragic life just to feel alive. That might be the key- to feel alive, including sexually.
Goddammit, I still don’t know. I’ll just see how it goes…. wish me luck.
Sorry I meant to say
I will probably *live* for another 50-60 years considering
You’re welcome, 23-year-old female. Ironically, when I was 33, I was also in a relationship with a 23 year old. The first year was intense with amazing sex and lots of laughs. The second year was “normal”. The third year was unpleasant. And then I needed a year to get over her.
The parallels I drew with the pupil-teacher scenario above were meant to highlight the price that we have to pay for indulging in pleasures of a carnal nature beyond those which are honourable or faithful. I hope it also highlights the fact that, sometimes, the joy of making love transcends the boundaries that society expects us to accept. The reference to France was important because the age of consent there is 15. If you grow up in some remote area in America you may well be groomed to believe that any sexual experience under the age of 18 is wrong. I’m not intelligent or wise enough to suggest where the correct age boundary should be. In some cultures it seems far too low. In France, it is perfectly acceptable for a 30 year old man/woman to have a sexual relationship with a 15 year old girl/boy. In America, rightly or wrongly, it is viewed as “statutory rape”. Fundamentally, an experienced guy had sex with an inexperienced girl and, as you know, that can be a wonderful thing. I can give you an example.
Once, I woke up in the middle of the night with my girlfriend in my arms. It was such a precious moment and, as I held her closer and began to kiss her, she awoke and we proceeded to make love in an incredibly intense and beautiful manner, so beautiful in fact that it made her cry. That was an amazing moment that I could have had with a long-term partner or even a casual one. It’s pure to me in my mind, though, because we were in a relationship together and I didn’t acquire this experience through dubious means, e.g. by cheating or sleeping with a 15 year old girl. One way or another, though, I will always remember it as beautiful. The reason being: we were one.
For the benefit of other readers on here, let me be clear: the reference to Jeremy and Megan is one of a romantic nature. He shouldn’t have abused his position of trust but they fell in love. People frown upon something like that because of the age gap but frankly it’s none of our business. He’s being persecuted for the wrong reasons, probably because of the hysteria in this country about the sexual abuse of (very) young girls by key figures in society (musicians, DJs, comedians, TV presenters, politicians) throughout the 70s and 80s. I acknowledge that I am opening up a can of worms. But, you know, something is telling me that comparing Jeremy Forrest to them is wrong. Something makes me want to believe that Jeremy and Megan are genuinely in love. I see an analogy between a) society telling us how we should behave and b) a person’s lack of sexual experience in a relationship with someone quite a bit older. It’s like they’re saying you’re only ever allowed to enjoy vanilla ice-cream. Whether I want it or not, please don’t tell me that I can’t have sprinkles on it or a different flavour.
This is going to be confusing to some so here’s the skinny: Jeremy was married but very disaffected. He found his life boring. More so than ever, the authorities are banging on about how one should behave and that teachers are in a position of trust, are role models and should lead by example. I can see the logic but as the intensity increases I also see a controlling state not dissimilar to the one George Orwell warned us about or the one demonstrated in the film “Das Leben der Anderen”. In another country, he may have lost his job and be banned from teaching (a commensurate punishment in my mind). End of story. They could quite easily be married now.
23-year-old female, there’s a world full of mystery, pleasure, misery and ecstasy out there. But, I’m like you: I wouldn’t feel the same intimacy and trust with someone I merely had a physical attraction to. Having sex with them would be worthless. What you want could cost you your relationship. Karley suggests it might not if you can live with the guilt and no-one finds out. If you are compelled to have sex with another guy (or girl) and that enriches you, you’re either going to stay with your partner and know why you’re together or you’re going to find someone else and be happier. You could also be worse off when you realise that you already had what you’re looking for.
I have this other wonderful memory of a girl that I met online while I was getting over my ex. She, too, was younger than me by about eight years and her lack of sexual experience empowered me when I helped her to embrace her sexuality. In many ways, she was very shy and reserved and trapped by too many inhibitions. She didn’t like oral sex (me going down on her, which I absolutely love but the dynamic has only really been perfect with two other girls (once when I was about 20 and another time when I was about 30) who tasted divine and were into it as much as me – such an amazing turn on) but strangely made up for it by getting a kick out of fucking in public places, potentially in view of other people. Love-making in a tent on a campsite, for example, especially excited her and it made the sexual act intense and extremely enjoyable. At the beginning of our relationship, I mostly masturbated her. She later told me that she had had more orgasms in one night than in the whole seven years of her previous relationship. Contributory factors were her religious upbringing and a boyfriend who had no interest in satisfying her sexually. If she never knew, why would she ever feel like she was missing out? The relationship lasted 3 months. I don’t think it was supposed to last any longer. She had the most sensitive clitoris and I feel really fortunate because being able to pleasure her so easily made me feel alive again.
Maybe, 23-year-old female, you feel like Wiesler from Das Leben der Anderen. You’re looking at Karley’s life and the lives of others on tumblr, etc. and see a world that you feel you’re missing out on. Maybe, like Wiesler, you see colours and flavours that you never knew existed. To indulge; to taste seems so attractive to you. You have to make sure that you are not found out.
Older guy I don’t agree with everything you say but I love the way you write and the sentiment behind it, do you have a blog or something?
I’m flattered, 22-year-old guy. Thank you. I don’t have a blog but I am writing a book (about 40,000 words so far). So your comment is very well received.
Another point to consider is whether you have any friends or family.
Karley has a lot of friends so it’s okay to ‘go on a sex rampage across Europe or live as a prostitute’ when you can do it all alone but still have a network of friends and family.
If you don’t and you leave your boyfriend, then somehow being on a sex rampage across Europe and living the life might make you feel sad sometimes…. at least it would make me sad and lonely.
Ummmm no being in a loving relationship doesn’t require occasionally having sex with othe people. What the hell kind of advice is that??
Ok for me this is the math:
1. It’s really difficult for me to find someone that i want to open my legs, life and heart to. I can spend up to 4 years patiently waiting, with the occasional depressing one night stand with someone I thought i felt an attraction sparkle but ended up having bad drunken sex with. So when I find it, it’s something i don’t take lightly.
2. Golden rule–> If something would hurt you, don’t do it to some one else. For me a lie is more painful than a person telling me it’s not working, a lie can fuck your mind. Once there is a trust issue everything goes to hell, there is no way back, everything else can be worked out. Liars are super jealous because they can’t even trust themselves.
3. If desire is fired by the things that you can’t get, why pursue the desire, since once you get it it will disappoint you and you will risk something you constructed that is “real”, might be boring sometimes, but it’s up to you to make it work and it’s a bigger challenge. Leave your fantasies for jerking off.
4. When you really feel the love died and you are bored, have the balls to break up instead of cheating, consider the amount of pain and trust issues you can provoke to the person you once loved.
5. Having many relationships is super important, it makes you grow and understand who you are and what you want, the deeper you go the more you learn. Fucking 10 guys in a week won’t make you learn much though, just maybe some fun stories, and the variety of dick sizes and colors in the universe… and that you can’t come as easily with a stranger, and that drunk guys can’t come.
For me our mind has monogamy issues, doesn’t mean that we need to act on it, or that we can emotionally handle polygamy … So basically we have a programing error inside our brains.
Exarkly what I was thinking but in less drunk slurred text xo
This seemed like a pretty sensible, standard, sexually liberated answer to a common question… Can someone explain why the comments are so batshit crazy on this? Ha
Ohhhhh wait, just realised Older Guy, 23yo female and 22yo guy are almost definitely the same person. Carry on, Internet.
rofl no, im that ’23-yo-female’, just didnt want to write down my name.
Also: its an interesting topic to talk about, thank God people can still *debate* without having cunts like you around all the bloody time. thank god there arent too many of your kind around.
Nice to meet you, Mary. Fancy a threesome with 22-year-old guy?
I’m in!
can i join?
@15-yr-old girl – Not into that, thanks :-) Did make me laugh, though. Very witty
How about an experiment, 23-year-old female? We do it virtually and write about it?
Why dont you post a picture of your face first, thats more important than seeing your cock. I want to be sexually stimulated.
Probably because I’m in a relationship and don’t want to risk upsetting my partner. Infidelity is the topic here. I thought setting up a tumblr account temporarily would open up an opportunity for you to contact me. Probably chose the wrong kind of picture though. Having said that, why would you want to invest so much time and effort into getting to know someone for (virtual) sex only to discover that their appearance was off-putting? I’d quite like to see a picture of you as well ;-)
Just break up or discuss the idea of having an open relationship. Your feelings of uncertainty will manifest in one way or another eventually, probably through cheating or resentment. Breaking up with someone you care about fucking sucks, but you can’t help feeling the way you do. Minimize the bullshit, hopefully have a good breakup fuck sesh, and move on. Go sow your oats, have fun, and make sure you or your partners wear a fucking condom. The potential guilt you might feel for being a dirty little slut for a while will be much more bearable if you don’t contract an std.
I just read this article, and I think it’s really interesting because I’ve always experienced what you called “FOMO”. I was 17 when I met my first boyfriend who was 10 years older than me, and we were together for 4.5 years, or 3.5 years before I started cheating on him. I broke what I found out to be the 2 golden rules of cheating: don’t get caught; and don’t cheat with a psychopath. Cheating made me feel like the worst human being in the world. But I was only 20 when I did it, and in hind-site, even though I loved the guy, he had been my first boyfriend and I always had the thought in the back of my mind “what if there’s someone better”. Selfish, I know, and he was heart-broken. But it was for the best.
Now, and 24 I’m in another long-term relationship, and still occasionally get the “FOMO”s. And when I was overseas on a couple of drunken night outs, I managed to restrain myself and not fuck the guys, just make out. And when I think to myself, “how distraught would I be if I ever found of my boyfriend just pashed another girl” I know it would be okay if I just never found out. So I’ve learnt my lessons and keep to the 2 golden rules of cheating.
Thanks for the interesting article!
I don’t know how I got here, but this is awesome. Bloggers? Bloggers. People who write and comment on eachothers writings and arrange virtual threesomes and talk about sex rampages across europe. Yes please.
thoughts on FOMO: Whats the specific breakdown of how it works for us guys..and is there a cure if I will feel extreme guilt even if I cheat “correctly”?
I’m 23, slept with 10 girls or something. Only ever had 1 serious relationship, and its the one I’m in now. I’m madly in love, we live together/do everything together, everythings perfect, etc. Its been 1.5 years. – I’d still like to have sex with hot strangers though, and I could. I would definitely do it “honorably” if there is such a thing. Only cold pickups on complete strangers, no emotions, no continuous affairs. I really feel I’m missing out if I don’t do this. I won’t be able to get girls so easily as time goes on, or at least it feels that way. Problem is I’ve pondered it before and start to feel extreme guilt immediately. I’m having a hard time finding middle ground. Don’t wanna leave this girl. Don’t wanna only sleep with one more girl for rest of my life. What to do?
Don’t do it! I think guilt is your warning sign, so you should take it :)