Ask Slutever (AKA Ask Danny)

Danny Fields is one of the most influential punks of all time. He’s the guy who discovered and managed the Ramones, and who was responsible for getting the Stooges and MC5 signed. If you’ve read Please Kill Me: The Uncensored Oral History of Punk, he’s the main voice in that, recounting stories about how the punk scene in New York got started, along with lots of juicy gossip about who was fucking who on what. In the 70s Danny was editor at 16 magazine, and was also in charge of the Q&A column “Ask The Boy” in Datebook (the mag where John Lennon famously said “We’re more popular than Jesus”), which means he’s got lots of experience answering questions from confused young teenyboppers like ourselves.

Danny and I recently became friends, after which he told me that Slutever is in his list of “best blogs ever”, which makes me feel cool. He’s really fun to hang out with, and always has good stories to tell, like about his lengthly discussions with Andy Warhol about rimming, or about taking ketamine back when it was still called “Special K”. Luckily for us, Danny took some time off from being legendary to answer some of our not-at-all important questions.

1. Hi, I’m 21, straight. and I think I’m a pretty good lover, but I always have a hard time being on top. I try to make up for it with imagination, kinkiness and great oral, but I just don’t know what to do when I’m up there! My boyfriend is never too responsive, so I just get stage fright and don’t know what movements I’m supposed to make or whether it feels good for either of us. I’m also uncomfortable being in control and having him watch me. What should I do? Nadia

Danny: Dear Nadia,
As for your boyfriend being “responsive”, the problem is not really much of a problem—is he hard? If he’s hard, he’s responding, and when you’re “up there” and he’s hard, look into his eyes a lot. Your eyes are saying that you are getting yourself off. With his cock! A great benefit to sitting on it is that it’s the best eye-contact position ever—not too close to focus, and not the back of someone’s head. Perfect… you can really track each other, while you’re fucking. Handle his dick like a delicate dildo, then masturbate yourself with it. Climb onto it, ride it, grip it, sway it back and forth inside. I’ll bet he’s always wanted to lie back and let you do the work, cock-pleaser-teaser that you are.

Also, there are some excellent oral things to do whilst astride. Don’t overdue mouth to mouth just because it’s convenient from where you sit, also it’s kind of a cliché. Lick his nipples and his pits and his ears. Also, straight guys love when a girl plays with her tits—whilst astride, it must look very nice. I wouldn’t know, but some guys have told me it drives them crazy. You are in control, but always keep in mind—and in body— that HIS cock is the fountain of  energy in this squishy scenario. As long as his dick is hard, you’re dominating each other at the same time; guys love that. Ride the fucker like you’re on a horse at the merry-go-round, even go “Yippee!,” maybe. But, what if he’s not hard??? What if he can’t get wood, or LOSES it while you’re giddy-yapping? Well, girl, you’ll be flopping around, it’s a problem. Get down, and now try some real kinky—that does NOT mean just another blow-job. Think about it.

2. Danny, it’s Karley. That last answer taught me a lot. But my problem is: I have a serious issue with eye contact, both in life and during sex. I just find it really awkward, and during sex I tend to avoid it or just close my eyes. That’s bad, right? Love, Slutever

Bad? I don’t know, for me it’s a highlight of hardcore porn when the participants look into each other’s eyes. I think avoiding it has to be off-putting for the other person. Of course it is fine to close your eyes, but then your partner is going to wonder what you’re envisioning. “What’s the matter? I’m not good enough?” But eyes closed in ecstasy is, I suppose, OK, if accompanied by mumbling of the person’s name to prove that you’re not having a Rob Pattinson fantasy.

3. I applied for an assistant job at a porn studio in Chicago. They responded by asking for a pic, which I gave them. Then they asked for a dick pic and I gave them that too. I don’t care who sees my dick. But now they are asking to fuck me! WHAT DO I DO? Andrew, IL

Dear bewildered applicant for porn job:
Well, this sounds like you got what you wanted! You DID want to “work” at a porn studio, hmm… and probably for some reason to do with sex, is that a good guess? And, “now they are asking to fuck me.” Well, since (too) few porn studios are run by females, you’ve likely asked (and were answered by) males about your possible future position. So, this apprenticeship would be with males who want to fuck you, therefore a gay porn studio, just making sure…

Have you been fucked so much that you can disregard a job offer from someone who makes porn and likes your pic and your dick for starters? And also, you might get a job backstage, or even onscreen, or in the audition department, filing, whatever. Your future runneth over, mate. What is the problem? Say “No” and you’ll always wonder what might have happened IF you went for that hot job; it’s the things you DIDN’T do that you’ll regret, not the ones you did. So go! Worst that can happen is you don’t get the job, the best is up to your imagination.

PS: Don’t wear a lot of cologne (the smells on a porn set are overwhelming to begin with), bring your own gloves, and think 3D.