Ask Slutever (AKA Ask Dev)

I get a lot of  people writing to me looking for help with their various life/sex/anal sex problems, however due to my hectic masturbation schedule I just don’t have time to answer them all! Thus, I have enlisted the help of my good friend and fabulous musician Dev Hynes (AKA Blood Orange AKA Lightspeed Champion) to answer some of your pressing questions. His ultra wise answers are below. Please continue to send your questions to karleyslutever@gmail.com. Either I’ll answer them myself or I’ll pawn them off to someone more qualified to answer for me. 

1. I’m a 17 year old girl, I’m OK looking I guess, and I’m going to this ‘up and coming’ indie band’s free gig in London. They have a meet-and-greet after, and I really fancy one of the guys in the band, he’s like 21. What do I wear and say to make a good impression, but not look like a slutty try-hard fan? Anna, London

Having been in an indie buzzband back in the dark ages of 2005/6, and also being a male, I can tell you the best bit of information you will ever, EVER receive: (straight) guys love girls. It’s as simple as that. You literally just have to show an interest in him. As in, something he says. But don’t wait for him to say something, when you see him, go up to him. Initiate the conversation and be strong willed within that initial conversation, and then from that point on take a step back, but keep eye contact, and he will most likely do the rest of the work himself. This will show him you are confident and suggest your interest, but not in an “I’m a slut” way. But it’s just enough to plant the seed in his mind that later on he can plant his seed… erm… in your… mind??

2. Have you got any advice or tips on getting str8 guys to try out gay stuff? I’ve got a mega crush on a very str8 guy. Need help! Ben, 17, UK
Look, the only tip in such a scenario is to just go for it. If this “straight guy” then decides he’s willing to try out some dude sports, well then it’s a win/win. If he doesn’t, well you haven’t lost anything. What happened in that one Biker Grove episode back in the day? I can’t remember… but yes! Go for it!

3. Why are guys obsessed with anal sex? My boyfriend asked me for anal the second time we made love, and now he asks like every 2 days. Although I don’t like it! Why doesn’t he care that it hurts? Giedre, BCN
I wish I knew the answer to why guys like to do that kind of thing, but I don’t. Dominance maybe? Some kind of primal instinct? I’m really not sure. Anyway, the only possible answer in this scenario is to tell your boyfriend that you just don’t enjoy it. If he has any common sense, and if he’s truly a good guy, he’ll respect you and understand and not force you to try it again. However, if it’s just the pain factor, why not try poppers or anal stretchers??

4. My boyfriend thinks I’m disgusting because I watch porn. He says it objectifies woman or whatever and that I shouldn’t support that. Could you perhaps give me some brilliant points to put him down and show him that watching porn is normal-ish? Jane, USA
Tell him to come home early from work, and have a nice dinner ready for him when he gets back. Soup dumplings? Just my suggestion. Then ask him about his day–discuss life, Real Housewives, etc. Then suggest you watch a movie that you recently downloaded about female empowerment, sisterhood, and the new school of feminism. Then show him THIS VIDEO.

P.S. Dev is in a new movie called The Wrong Ferarri directed by Adam Green (of the Moldy Peaches), which also stars Macaulay Culkin and Devendra Banhart and lots of other idiots. The movie is about Ketamine. You can and should watch it HERE!