Ask Slutever: Ask a Whore

Belle de Jour

Once in a while I’ll enlist a friend of mine to act as a “guest expert” and answer some of my Ask Slutever questions for me. This is usually because I’m either too busy, or too lazy, or sometimes literally just because I don’t feel like doing it myself. No offense, but after a while I get bored of reading though essentially the same emails over and over–“Why doesn’t my boyfriend want to have sex with me anymore?” … “How should I shave my pubes?” … “Is my clit an idiot?” It’s like, for fuck’s sake, don’t any of you have any real life friends who you can ask this stuff? GOD.

No, I’m kidding. Please keep sending me questions, I love it. It makes me feel popular.

Anyway, for this installment of Ask Slutever the guest expert is…. wait for it… an escort! Yay! Because really, who better to answer all of your sex and dating questions than a professional? This particular prostitute happens to be a close friend of mine, and I think she gave some really great and useful advice, so please, open your ears, legs and mind and learn a thing or two!

So BASICALLY I’ve kind of agreed to have a threesome with these two guys who messaged me over an online dating site. We’re gonna book a hotel room and then… do it. But the thing is, I’ve never even been on an online date before because I get kinda nervous and have panic attacks. But I really want to have a threesome with two guys, and they look really hot in a mean teenage boy way (but they’re in their twenties and I’m twenty, so its OK?). Anyway, my pictures on my profile are mostly of my face, but not of my body, which is very curvy, like I have GG boobs and a small belly too (what a drag), and I’m afraid I’ll look like a beast in real life. I plan to get really drunk and high beforehand, but when I add all the elements of this story together they begin to sound dodgy. Should I do this or what? Help? Tamara

You pretty much nailed it when you said it got “dodgy” when you put all the elements together. A few of the elements are fun things: online dating, getting really drunk, getting really high, having threesomes, having sex with strangers. A few are bad things: misleading profile pictures, panic attacks. The combination of all these elements is dangerous, and that’s coming from a prostitute writing from a plane, on her way to another state to have sex with a stranger. The difference is that I’ve worked my way up to this. I know myself, my limits, and how to be (at least relatively) safe about it. Also, I’m not shitfaced.

You’re putting a lot on your plate right now. You’ve never even been on an online date because that gives you panic attacks–baaaaabe, why would getting naked with two hot strangers (who maybe don’t know what you actually look like) make you any less panic attack-y? Because you’re going to obliterate yourself beforehand? I’m not saying you shouldn’t mix booze and threesomes, but I am saying you shouldn’t turn up to any kind of first-meet wasted. It’s not, as Karley would say, “glamorous.” I’m all about a shot at the hotel bar to take the edge off, but don’t get carried away.

OK, I’m going to try to break this down for you, so that you can eventually have a threesome, but it definitely shouldn’t happen next Tuesday or whenever you’ve currently got scheduled. You need to build up to this, so that you don’t end up having some naked dude stab you with an EpiPen mid-fun. Or even worse, end up having a shit night that results in you never wanting to have a threesome again! Here goes:

First, you need to do some OkCupiding. If you can’t handle that, you can’t handle this. First, you have to get some clear pics up. Ask a dude friend to approve your selection. I have no idea what you look like, so it’s pointless for me to try to tell you whether or not you’re a “beast” in real life. All I can say is that I’ve met dudes who didn’t look like their profiles, and it automatically put me in a bad mood. False adverting is not cool. Before you even get to know this person, they’ve already lied to you! Not a sexy start.

Next, you need to arrange to go on dates with some guys who aren’t total babes–just nice, funny dudes who won’t intimidate you. I used to get sooo worked up meeting new guys off the internet, for the exact same reason. But I kept it low key, and friendly vs. flirty, so that worst case I could act like I was just looking for friends if I got reject vibes. After a handful of dates you’ll know what you’re working with, and won’t get all sweaty walking into new territory. From there, ring these hot teenagers up and tell them you’re ready to rumble. But if I were you I’d plan to meet for a drink somewhere public first. Remember, I said walking into the date drunk was sloppy, but if you’re all on the same level, it’s totally fine. (Just keep an eye out for roofies.) Have fun!  xoxo A Whore

I’m a 20 year old transwoman. I act in porn, and though it’s clearly awesome getting paid to get fucked, my issue is when I’m supposed to bring this up to someone I’m into. If I say it too early I come off like a total crazy slut, but if I wait to tell them I’m a lying bitch who hides her life. Please help! Alex

There’s no easy answer here. I’m obviously also in the sex industry, so while I don’t have experience with the trans issue, I’m all too aware of the ‘lying vs. not lying about your job to get a date’ dilemma. I’ve experimented with various approaches, and none are ideal. For about a year I decided honesty was the only way for me. I’d go on OkCupid dates and answer “escort” when they asked me what I was doing for a living. I considered it a good filter, because I didn’t want to date anyone who couldn’t accept me for me. Some turned into second dates, some didn’t. The ones that did appreciated my honesty, but fizzled out quickly. They probably thought I was edgy, interesting, and a good story for their friends, but ultimately not girlfriend material. I dated one friend who claimed he didn’t care, but several weeks in jealousy took over and we were back in the friends zone.

I guess I’m not telling you anything new here. You’ve likely experienced similar scenarios. I guess it all boils down to what’s most important to you right now: being in a committed relationship, or being honest with the person you care about. Right now I’m experimenting with the ‘two separate lives’ theory. Thinking of myself as one entity, and my escort persona as another. I’m not saying it’s the right choice, but it’s the one I’m going with for now. An escort is what I am, not who I am. You may be a porn slut, but you’re probably a whole lot more than that too. And while lying sucks, so does having assumptions made about you based on cliches. So do want you gotta do, but realize that this industry is always going to limit your personal life in one way or another, whether it means lying to good people, or giving them up because they don’t want a slice of chaos. xoxo A Whore

Hi, I’m 25 and admittedly pretty slutty. Last time I counted I was at around 60 guys and that’s full-fledged penis into vagina sex sex. I don’t have issues with my “liberated” sexuality, but I sometimes think there are cases where I shouldn’t have gone there, said no, or at least stopped the action at playful touching. I get frustrated because I see these girls who have tons of cool/hot/talented male friends around them, and I can tell they’re obviously grooming these men for if/when they finally want them in their lives. I don’t have these guys in my life because, well, I’ve already fucked them all, and that bums me out! I know it’s because I usually go straight to sex–meet a hot guy while wasted at a bar, go to bed with him within a couple hours. It’s fucking fun, and maybe a bit of a weird sex addiction type thing, as well as possibly a self-confidence issue (although a crazy one because I know I’m a babe and obviously have no problem getting guys). But basically, what’s your advice on how to say no to a guy, even if you’re attracted to him? What are ways that would be both mentally and physically fulfilling without coming off as a tease? I like to flirt and have guys come on to me constantly, as I’m sure you do too. I know these guys only have sex on the brain, so how can I please them without giving them the full vaginal glory, and keep them on the hook to become friends, or even something more meaningful? KP

I’m in this boat, and know lots of hot ladies in the same boat. It’s called validation issues–needing to fuck strangers to have it repeatedly confirmed that you are a babe. While we know it, the evidence we list is always based on how many dudes we’ve pulled, or how quickly we can get laid – not checkpoints which actually indicate self confidence.

At some point the sex with random dudes should get boring, and you’ll look for a way to spice up your active, yet unfulfilling sex life. That spice will be making not the boys, but yourself wait. Seriously, try it, it’s awesome. It’s obviously really fun to spontaneously fuck guys, but that amount of fun doubles each time you see the guy and hold off. There really is a pot of gold sitting the end of the abstinence rainbow. I’m still not skilled at it–I think my max was like 3 dates before sex–but that was glorious. I can only imagine what euphoria prudes must experience!

My best advice is to schedule dates at the start of your period. That gives you at least a week of hang-time. Unless you’re into crime scene sex, in which case, I dunno… maybe stop shaving your legs or armpits or something? Just figure out the thing that makes you be all “nobody is getting up in this tonight,” and make sure that thing is going on during your date.

As far as holding out until sex is more “meaningful,” well slutever.com may not the right place to learn how not to be a slut, but it will teach you how to be a happier slut :)  xoxo A Whore

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