Ask Slutever for IDLM

Photo by Lasse Dearman

Here’s my latest Ask Slutever column, originally written for the fabulous online boutique I Don’t Like Mondays!

I’m into trying new things, especially regarding sex. So far I’ve only sexed men, but I’m interested in trying out lady sex and threesomes, however I’m not sure how to go about it. Like how do I know if a girl is into other girls? How do other girls know that I’m bi? But then again, I don’t even know if I’m bisexual yet. What if I try it and it’s not my thing? I guess I’ve been waiting for it to “just happen”, but it hasn’t yet and I feel weird about perving on every girl I’m attracted to. How do I go about touching a boob that isn’t mine? Veronica, SC

All girls are into girls. (Well, like 99%) That’s what’s so cool about us females: we are extremely open-minded and sexually free and we love each other and each other’s bodies like they were our own. Girls as a whole are far more sexually fluid and emotionally advanced than men, who tend to choose either gay or straight and stick with it. Poor boys and their simple brains!

So, you want to know how to tell if a girl is into you? Well, it’s the same way that you tell if a guy is, duh! It’s all about eye contact, smiling, light touching—the way boys and girls flirt and express desire is basically the same. If you think a girl is hot, tell her! If she gets flirty back, she probably wants your private parts in her mouth. If she doesn’t, you can play it off like you were just being casually complimentary, like a “Hey gurl, I like your shoes” kind of thing. #NBD

Now about group sex: you are single, which means you’re in a very good position right now. I know way more couples looking for girls to join them in bed than I do single girls looking for threesomes. You’re a rarity! Also, having a threesome with a couple is SO hot because you are new and exciting to them which means you get most of the attention. I have been both the girlfriend and the “other girl” in a threesome situation, and although both are great it’s sort of more fun to get the special treatment. The most extreme case of that for me was a few years ago in Athens. I was in a club and this random Greek woman started dancing with me and getting all touchy feely. Eventually she dragged me to the bathroom and started going down on me, and then she brought me to a weird back room of the bar that was empty—I think maybe she worked there–and brought her boyfriend too, and they both took off my clothes and started fingering me and groping me and spanking me and like shoving their fingers in my mouth and stuff. All while screaming at me in Greek. Then she forced me to suck her bf’s dick for a while, and she kept slapping my vagina for some reason. It was weird but also hot, even though they were both in their late 30s and not very attractive. Weirdly that kind of made it hotter because it felt like these gross weirdoes were just using me and there was nothing I could do about it. It was their toy, ya know? But like they spoke NO English which made the situation so strange because they were constantly talking and I was just like, uh… what? Like to give you an idea of how much communication there was, the woman was originally from Cuba and we eventually realized that I spoke better Spanish than she did English, so from then on we only communicated in Spanish. And like, I don’t speak Spanish. (P.S. I never blogged about that because I had a boyfriend at the time—woops.)

But back to you. So, if none of that other stuff works, I have a no fail plan. Find a girlfriend of yours who wants to have a threesome too, and go out with her to a bar/party/wherever, and hit on guys together. Remember to say things in unison–stuff like “we think you’re really hot,” and “do you want to make out with us?” The guy will literally die.

There is this bartender at my favorite club who is amazingly beautiful and beyond cool. He always says I’m pretty and he asked for my number once, BUT THEN HE NEVER TEXTS ME! He is so elusive and there is never a right moment to make a move, and I don’t know how to pursue him without looking like a psycho/whore. He does things like kiss me on the face, and he gives me free drinks, but he hardly ever replies to my drunk texts–texts that are funny and intelligent! I want him so badly and I’ve already done the whole being straightforward thing. He never says no, but nothing ever happens. What do I do? Caroline, Washington DC

OK, first of all, drunk texts are not hot. We are all guilty of sending the odd drunken sext but we all need to stop this RIGHT NOW! Do you like getting creepy, overly horny texts from dudes at 3am? No, so don’t be that person. It makes you seem desperate. If you want to ask a guy out, the way to do it is to send a controlled, to-the-point daytime text. Saying something like “Would you like to hang out with me on Friday night?” at 4pm on a Wednesday makes you seem super cool and confident, like you just casually thought of him while food shopping and decided to send him that text without even really thinking about it. If he doesn’t respond, it doesn’t even matter because you were busy doing important daytime things and probably forgot anyway.

Also, there’s always the possibility that he’s gay. I mean, kisses on the face?? That sounds gay to me. Whenever I get rejected by a guy I always automatically assume he’s gay. That might be narcissistic of me but it has saved me from a large amount of sadness and shame, so I think I’ll stick with it.



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