Pics via Lasse Dearman
Sup yo? Bored? Then you should read my latest installment of Ask Slutever, originally for the fabulous online boutique I Don’t Like Mondays!
1. Dear Slutever,
I live in Australia and go to an all girls Catholic school. I’m 16, half English/half Caribbean, and what some people call ‘exotic’. Basically it means I don’t look like anyone else around here. It makes me cringe writing it, but a lot of older men seem to be drawn to me. I don’t mean gorgeous, 20-something tourists, I mean more like 50-90 year old men. It’s gross! Like the first dick I ever saw was a homeless man wanking intensely while staring at me. So what I want to know is, how do you ward off creepy guys without looking like a complete troll? -Anastasia
So wait, the problem is that lots of guys want to fuck you? Bitch, that’s not a problem! One day you will be old with sagging skin and no homeless people will be jerking off to you, and you will resent having been so unappreciative of these generous sexual offerings. Also, I’m just going to put this out there: older guys are better in bed. As someone who has slept with a wide variety of boys/men between the ages of 14 and 53, I can say that with confidence. (The 14 year old was when I was 16, chill.) Boys, as well as girls, get better at sex with age. Boys especially, since for some reason young guys think it’s OK not to give girls head in return for the endless BJs we give them, which it is not!! But thankfully, as men age, they begin to understand that it takes more than just ramming the P in the V repeatedly for four minutes to make a girl cum. Seriously, fuck someone with a child and/or a mortgage and you’ll see what I mean.
And before I shut up I’m going to give you one more (very important) piece of advice: SEX IS POWER. The faster and better you understand this, the most successful you will be in all aspects of your life. I just read a good interview on slate.com with a woman named Catherine Hakim, author of Erotic Capital: The Power of Attraction in the Boardroom and the Bedroom. HERE she talks about how being a babe is just as valuable a form of capital as anything else, and that those who subscribe to the dated feminist idea that women shouldn’t try to be “hot”, and that beauty is superficial and has no value, are actually just fucking themselves over. Basically, use what you’ve got.
2. Despite general society seemingly to have developed an attraction for nerdy, socially awkward, and somewhat unattractive guys now, I find being a nerdy, socially awkward, and somewhat unattractive guy to be quite distressing. For one, I have no friends, and thus no social life, and walking around by myself at lunch really sucks. All because I’m shy as fuck! Also I feel really self-conscious around girls. How can I get a life and not be quite so nerdy, socially awkward and somewhat unattractive? – Scott, CT
This depends on what type of nerd you are. Are you a smart, science nerd? If so, you can be as socially awkward as you want, because that goes with the overall aesthetic. My advice to you is to suck it up, study hard, and I promise that after high school, AKA when the real world begins and people start valuing intelligence over how far you can kick a ball or whatever, you will have more friends and girls wanting to sleep with you than you could ever imagine. However if this is not the case and you are in fact the bad kind of nerd, i.e. just socially awkward with no redeeming qualities to tip the scale, then for Christ’s sake, get good at something! People want to fuck people who are good at stuff: fact. The people in this world with sexual power rarely have it solely because of their looks; it’s because they are exceptional. Defs no one would want to sleep with Wes Anderson or Seth Rogen if their only contributions to the world were working at Starbucks. Joey Ramone and Janis Joplin were legit monsters, but they were geniuses and therefore could fuck and/or friend whoever they wanted. Now go, carpe the diem!
3. I recently turned eighteen and I’m increasingly wondering whether I should cure myself of a quite serious case of virginity. I’ve been offered sex in the past but I’ve always said no. My question is, should I wait until I’m going out with a girl who I really like before engaging in coit, or just leap on the next girl who can stand to have sex with me? Thanks! Sparrow
This seems to be an issue for a lot of people. My answer to this is simple: THERE ARE NO RULES. People put too much emphasis on what should and should not be done regarding sex, when really the only answer is to just do what feels right. Do you want to have sex with a random girl? If so, then you should. Would you prefer to wait and sleep with someone you love, but feel pressured by social norms to lose your virginity before going to college? If that’s the case, go with your gut and wait. I understand that this answer is neither funny nor witty, but sometimes we need to remind ourselves that most seemingly difficult questions have the simplest of answers.
Karley, when will you post dating tips again??!!
what like my own or asking other people? i guess i should soon…
http://thoughtcatalog.com/2011/dating-101-20-secrets-that-are-not-really-secrets-about-dating/
Yes yes yes!!!!
Whaaaat? Your first response was totally off the mark – homegirl was asking a simple question of how to deal with unwanted attention from losers she doesn’t like (no matter their age or her preferences). I’m not even talking about your answer being antifeminist or whatever, it just missed the point. Almost every girl has this problem to some degree, even if they’re not all exotic like this babe – how many conversations on the bus/bar/plane/laundromat/anywhere have you had to sit through in your life with some gross guy who is ‘just being friendly’ but you know is actually trying to get into your pants – waiting to collect enough evidence of this fact to say ‘sorry, I don’t want to sleep with you’ without coming across like a total arrogant bitch. Or guys on the street saying creepo shit (which imo is much easier to deal with). Lets talk tactics.
I agree with Sarah, I normally love your blog but your first response didn’t really answer her question and was actually kinda offensive! Nobody should have to be grateful for unwanted attention from creeper guys, regardless of how hot they choose to make themselves look! I know you were probably joking to some extent but come on grrrl.
xoxo
Karley man, you my girl, but I have to say your views on feminism are questionable. I do agree with you that a woman can have enjoyable sex, be sexuality liberated and feel empowered though sex, that is what second-wave feminism fought for and damn am I grateful sista. As a western society, it can only be a good thing that we have left behind the man-hating archaic views along with the shoulder pads. I don’t need to burn my bra or let my armpit hair grow to braidable length to call myself a feminist (although sometimes I do do that, but mainly because I’m lazy and It’s a good conversation starter).
However, the idea that we can objectify ourselves and feel empowered because the weaker sex (oops there I go with the man hating) and even our own gender, encourage us tell we look good because we have a nice pert pair of babylons, a golden tan and a 22″ waist a homogenous image of beauty, denying the natural differences, the personality that truly makes us beautiful. This image surely enforced the main-streaming of pornography- not something I object to- the freedom to explore one’s own sexual preferences and turn-ons is one of the most important aspects of the feminist movement. But I must admit i’d rather die than watch another misogynistic porno, made by men for men, where a woman is pounded hard and slapped around for 5 minutes before she miraculously has (fakes) a full body orgasm. No wonder most teenage boys have a warped view on how to please their woman (you got that right). We shouldn’t normalise unrealistic and unpleasant aspects of porn.
The idea the promiscuous sex or even getting paid for sex is empowering because we choose to have it, is a complex issue. I am the first person to acknowledge that feminism is not required in the bedroom when you are in mutually pleasurable and respectful relationship. Sex with someone you know or not, when it is enjoyable should be empowering, but we need to take a step back and consider how much is our sexuality is inherent and how much is society which has been propagated by lads mags. Am I having all this wild no-stings sex because I want to or because Samantha said it’s ok? Sucking the cock of a fat old man you don’t know and aren’t attracted to ain’t cool.
The question I am trying to ask is how much choice to we really have? Do we habe choice when hypersexualised images are unavoidable from barbie to glamour models. Of course I don’t deny it is not “anti-feminist” we all want to look good, that is evolution. We still can’t claim to be equal to men in terms of careers or political power, and undeniably because I can’t just trot down the road and get a strip-tease of a naked man. It is vital the we enforce the idea that yes a woman (and of course a man) can feel empowered by her sexuality but it is by no means the only form of female empowerment.
Oh and I feel I should add I worked as a stripper for 6 months and Damn was I good at it, I never felt any guilt or remorse at the end of the night (bearing in mind I never did it sober either), but it is the lack of it that worries me more than anything.
your response to anastasia … i don’t get it. are you trying to sound edgy and cool? is it irony? or are you seriously telling a 16 year old girl who is creeped out by unasked for male attention to just suck it and enjoy it?! her feelings are real. she is describing a scenario that is making her feel uncomfortable. sex is power? sure, but it should also be pleasure for everyone involved. male sexuality shouldn’t be valued above a girl’s sexuality (desire). that’s how i always read your blog. and that’s what i liked about it.
Hey karley, can you please reply to some of these comments? because 1. your answer to that first question was seriously problematic (not to mention the article you linked to – surely even someone who had never heard of feminism would find that shit hard to swallow) and also 2. graciously deflecting unwanted male attention is a really important skill to develop if you want your sexual exploits to be consensual and empowering. give the poor girl some tips for the love of god :(
Hey. OK sorry I’ve been meaning to reply to these. I agree with you. On second read, I do think my response to Anastasia was slightly irresponsible and made light of an issue that I understand is serious. Unwanted attention from gross old creeps can be more than just annoying–it can be horrible and violating, and yes, sometimes being perved on is not complimentary and just sucks. However, the point I tried (unsuccessfully) to make was that creepy old guys will always be there, we can’t change that. And we shouldn’t have to walk around in burqas or snow suits to deflect unwanted male attention. (We learned that from the Slutwalk, thanks.) So, what do we do?
Well, in my opinion our best option is to try and find a positive in this bad situation. Sometimes when you’re young and you’ve just grown hips and boobs and are still working out what being sexy is and how to do it, you feel uncomfortable with your newly developed hotness and don’t know how to harness it. But eventually you grow up, and (hopefully) gain confidence and learn to love your new body. Well, beauty is power and confidence is power, we all know that. And the more confident you are, the easier it is to ignore creepy cat calls from guys. You learn to ignore them as much as possible (which is all you can do, really), and to tune out their inappropriate an unwelcome comments, because they are desperate scum and don’t matter. So I guess in a roundabout way I was trying to tell Anastasia to love that she’s an exotic babe, which will in turn help her gain confidence, which will make ignoring the creeps a whole lot easier. Does that make sense? Am I totally off the mark??