Ask Slutever for Jezebel

By Daido Moriyama

Should you put baking utensils up your butt? Are STDs sort of NBD TBH? Read my new(ish) sex advice column, originally for Jezebel!

Dear Slutever, I do not engage in any sexual activity unless my prospective partner and I both get full STD testing. In the past five years, not one woman that I dated agreed to this. Why are so many women against getting tested prior to sex?

Sincerely, Alan

Hmm… that’s odd. I’m not familiar with many women who refuse to get tested. Perhaps the issue is that you’re bringing up the STD testing too soon, or the wrong way. Asking someone to get tested for crotch diseases before you fuck them, however smart, is not the sexiest thing in the world, so it’s important to do so in a way that doesn’t feel confrontational or accusatory. Maybe explain it like, “At the risk of seeming overly cautious, I have a personal paranoia about STDs, so maybe we could both get tested, because I think you’re really great, and I don’t want to ruin sex by being freaked out.” Make it about your paranoia, rather than her possible crabs, ya know?

Another option is to just chill out and use condoms like the rest of the world. Condoms, when used consistently and correctly, are highly effective in preventing the sexual transmission of HIV, as well as most other STDs too. (Although remember to always beware of sores or infected looking skin in the groin area!) Also, to be honest, most STDs that aren’t HIV or herpes are sort of NBD — not good, of course, but they can be cured pretty easily. Like I had Chlamydia once not that long ago, and literally all I had to do was drink this magical banana milkshake given to me by Planned Parenthood and I was back to normal in a few days. Casual!

Given your 0% success rate over the past five years, I would advise to use condoms the first couple times you sleep with a partner, and then once you know each other on a more intimate level, then you can bring up the STD testing. And then you get a joint Netflix account. There’s an order to these things. Good luck!

I’ve been at war for the past three years but I’m coming back next week, and I really need to take my mind off things and want to lose myself in some self-love. I’m in a small town with little access to sex shops, so I was wondering if you had any unique ideas for sex toys I could fashion out of household items, or any tips that would help achieve a great orgasm experience. I really need something to get excited about!

Thanks, Steven

First of all, I think it’s worth pointing out that when it comes to masturbation, the more elaborate your layout, preparation, or even construction, the more stupid and ridiculous you’re going to feel after you’ve cum. Like you know how immediately after orgasm you experience a harsh wave of reality, and you go from being in a soft-focus sensual dreamscape to just feeling like a weird little animal with your cock in your hand? Well, now imagine that but with the addition of soiled baking utensils. Even continuing to watch porn in the moments after I’ve cum feels insane and gross — like ugghhhh, why are they still doing that?! I have to slam my laptop shut, roll over and pretend it never happened.

But moving on, of course I have some tips for you! First of all, horniness makes people crazy and irrational, so you should definitely jerk-off at least once before you plan your masturbation session, so that you can think straight, pragmatically. Then, after that’s finished, head straight to the refrigerator. Food is a great masturbation aid. Who needs lube when you have condiments, ya know? (Free lube sachets in every restaurant!) My suggestion would be to scoop a generous dollop of mayo into your hand, and then start tugging away. The greasiness will increase the pleasure factor by at least 37%. Also, mayo is hot in that it’s sort of “wrong,” due to the egg connection, which makes it more deviant and sexy. Like you’re basically taking another species’ reproductive cells, mashing them up into a paste, and then using that to lube your genitals to ejaculation. #hot

Another tip for masturbating with crap you have lying around the house is to fill a sock with Jell-O, and then have sex with it. Fleshlight smeshlight. I’m almost positive this will feel just as good as a professional fake vagina. Plus, this is actually better because it’s way cheaper, and after you cum you can just throw it in the garbage, rather than having to clean it out (tragic).

I am a 31-year-old woman who has been married for 5 years. We still have frequent and awesome sex, but I have an issue that (oddly) seems to be getting worse with age. I orgasm way too quickly! And then I’m basically over sex. I’ve never had multiple orgasms, ever. I have one gigantic, eye-popping orgasm after about 3-5 minutes of intercourse and then I’m ready for sex to be over. I’m constantly telling my husband to slow down or stop totally during sex so I can prolong it enough for him to get off too, but it’s getting to the point where he’s a little hurt that I can’t “hang on.”

Love, Caitlin

OK… I’m not going to downplay your problem, even though I kind of want to out of jealousy and resentment :)

There is endless literature available on Tantra-related techniques to delay orgasm in men, but almost nothing for women, as seemingly few women have this problem. But don’t fret, we can work it out. Have you ever tried using desensitizing creams? They can be bought over-the-counter at most pharmacies, and though they’re generally marketed for men, I don’t see why they wouldn’t calm down your clit too. Also, it seems logical that if you can’t last very long during intercourse, you should delay the actual fucking and spend more time on foreplay. Hope you like giving blow-jobs! Breathe through your nose. Also, body position plays an important role in reaching orgasm, so maybe if you feel like you’re getting close you should twist your body into a really uncomfortable position, and the pain will prevent you from cumming. Also, I find it harder to cum if I’ve had a few drinks, so maybe indulge in some wine before sex. Or, you know what they say about heroin… j/k!



3 Replies to “Ask Slutever for Jezebel”

  1. i’m surprised you still write for them considering how angry the commenters get. i consider myself pretty pc but i can tell the difference between satire and a fucking textbook.

    also to that STD testing dude… ugh…. i have been bugging the guy i’m seeing to go get tested with me so i don’t have to worry if we ever have any condom mishaps. that being said, if a guy was forcing me to get tested before even taking my pants off, i would immediately be turned off and think that guy was a huge fucking tool or something or basically trying to call me a “slut.” to all those people who are saying “don’t fuck a girl if she doesn’t want to get tested,” seriously, do you not understand how fucking weird this guy seems? #virgin (did i do it right?)

    also karley, i hate to break it to you but MOST PEOPLE HAVE A CERTAIN STRAND OF HERPES. you might have herpes.. i might have herpes. he might have herpes. we all have herpes. so comparing that shit to the hiv…. not cool.

    anyway hopefully you keep doing the column cause it’s pretty funny.

  2. “OmniP073N7 Reply
    Guy 1: Send em my way, I’ll fuck em.
    Guy 2: Let the dog lick the mayonnaise off. Just kidding.
    Girl 3: Let him stick it in the pooper more.”

    #3 is actually really good advice

  3. Your answer for “Steven” is probably my favourite of all the sex advice you’ve given so far. Funniest thing I’ve read in a while!

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