Ask Slutever for Jezebel

Read the latest installment of my sex and dating advice column, originally published in the girl-bible, Jezebel!

I’m a 24-year-old girl and I’m freaking out about my sexuality. I’ve had sex with about 10 guys and have never even come close to having an orgasm during sex. Sensations feel good, especially if I’ve had a few drinks, but I’m starting to think I’m asexual or something since I can’t cum when I’m with a partner! PLEASE HELP!

– Sarah

Ninety percent of the questions I receive through this column are essentially asking this same question: “I’m a girl, I can’t cum during sex, WTF is wrong with my vaj?” Well, I’m sorry to say it, but there’s probably nothing wrong with you. And if I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: vaginal intercourse just isn’t very conducive to the female orgasm. Like, how the fuck am I expected to cum when there’s a dick ramming into my vagina? Talk about distracting! Thanks for nothing, evolution.

I’ll make this very clear. Generally speaking, just shoving a dick in-and-out of a vagina does not feel good for the girl. That just feels like we’re inserting our tampons on repeat forever until the end of time. Most girls need a soft, repeated motion on their clit for at least ten minutes in order to cum. Another effective technique is for the guy to insert his finger into the vagina with his palm-up, and then, while being conscious of accurate placement and pressure, make a “come here” motion. (Note: this is a maneuver that a penis cannot achieve, unless you’re Mr. Gadget.) If we’re really turned-on or on MDMA or something, sometimes cumming is a bit easier, but normally it takes some considerable time and effort to make a girl climax.

So Sarah, my professional advice to you would be to try out being a lesbian. Why not, ya know? Girls are better at making other girls cum, because they understand what’s going on in the relevant areas. Also, girls are generally more sensitive, caring and patient than men, which makes them better lovers. Also, being gay is edgy.

However, if girl-on-girl really doesn’t do it for you, then why not just start masturbating with your partner? That still counts as “cumming during sex,” because sex is more than just the in-and-out part, it’s all the stuff that happens around that, too. (Enlightenment moment!) I didn’t cum during sex until I was 22, which was the year that I realized I needed to stop waiting around like a delusional idiot and take matters into my own hands. Literally. I interviewed a porn star recently (she has asked to remain anonymous, for professional reasons), and she told me that she’s never been able to cum during a scene, and always has to fake it. However, what actually makes her cum is to lie next to her boyfriend and kiss while she uses her Hitachi Magic Wand. (#ModernLove) See, porn stars: they’re just like us!

I need advice on how to convince male paramours to wrap it up without being seen as “unclean” in some way. I’ve encountered a frustrating amount of men who claim to be clean, who are only convinced to use a condom after I mention I’m not on the pill. And then they proceeded to bitch about how uncomfortable it is! I’m about to enter a polyamorus relationship with a new gentleman, and I have no idea how to bring this up in conversation without sounding presumptuous.


People who sleep around and don’t use condoms are idiots. And let’s be honest: yes, condoms can be kind of annoying, but they’re not that bad. There are worse things in life. Like AIDS, for example. Also, if a guy complains about condoms being uncomfortable, just explain that they don’t feel amazing for you either, because the latex dries up the natural vaj juices, making your vagina even more of a desert than having this conversation already has.

Also, I wouldn’t worry about coming across as presumptuous or “unclean,” because that’s just a sign that you’re succumbing to his peer pressure. Sure, if I was in a monogamous relationship with a guy and we got tested together, and I was on the pill, and he continued to insist on using condoms, then I might feel the need to question him — like, “What skanks are you fucking behind my back?” sort of vibes. But other than that, it shouldn’t be an issue. And if a guy is so naïve or manipulative as to make you justify wanting to use condoms, then he deserves to be lied to. Just tell him you’re one of those crazy anti-abortion people, and that you can fuck bareback but that if you get pregs you’re having his baby. (And naming it Blue Ivy.)

I have an extremely high sex drive. I’m horny ALL the time, which I have no problem with. My partner and I have been together almost three years now and I really love having sex with him. There’s only one problem: he cums WAAAAY too quickly. Especially in the morning. I prefer sex in the morning because I’m not half dead from a long day at work. I’ve tried everything: blow jobs, different kinds of foreplay, even condoms, but nothing works. Sometimes I just give up after he has his happy minute and go have a shower. I hold nothing against him as he’s not circumcised, and I understand that makes things a lot more sensitive. But how can I make him last longer?


First of all, if a guy is cumming too quickly during sex, giving him a blow-job beforehand is definitely not the answer. Unless you’re accidentally on purpose scraping your teeth against his dick during it or something. Also, being uncircumcised is not an excuse, as the majority of men in this world still have their foreskin. The bottom line is, if you’re not cumming during sex, and your boyfriend is cumming after one minute, then he sucks in bed and needs to make more of an effort.

I was once in a very similar situation to yours. I dated a guy who would cum at the speed of a nine year old, and I was horny all the time. I would pester him for sex constantly, to the point where he would get annoyed and tell me that my desperate need for sex stemmed from my own insecurity and constant need for attention. I started to worry that I was a sex addict. But then I realized that the reason I was constantly horny was because I was never actually satisfied by our sex, which left me always wanting more. So basically it was his fault, not mine! (As always.)

So, my advice would be to try to transform your sex life so that rather than having short, unsatisfying sex multiple times a day, you’re having more involved, fulfilling sex less frequently. Work out a time when you both have at least half an hour free to really focus and have fun. Then, make sure the foreplay centers around your crotch rather than his. If he can’t handle having his penis touched without cumming everywhere, then hold off on touching it for a while, ya know? Just be a bit selfish, basically. 



19 Replies to “Ask Slutever for Jezebel”

  1. After reading the column on jezebel and looking through the comments, i was struck by the thought that you have been trolling this whole time with your “sex advice”; sort of a Stephen Colbert kind of personality. I know that you give your advice sort of tongue and cheek but it never occurred to me that this could be some kind of fake, joke advice( probably because you are actually a good writer). Is this actually the case or am i letting the comments get to my head?

  2. jeez karley why are the people commenting so fucking dry?! your advice is funny and interesting, a million times better than some of the practical boring as shit sex tips you get in shite magazines like cosmo. fuck da haterz grrrrl. ha

  3. No matter how many negative comments you get. Your advice doesn’t go unnoticed, and people are not indifferent to you. Because the opposite of love is not hate but indifference. Which is a great characteristic to posses in your field.

  4. i guess the gals over at jezebel really NEED REAL SEX ADVICE and that’s why you’re style bothers them. perhaps your’e answers are not serious enough for their real serious sex problems, i.e., they don’t know how to fuck and get themselves off. poor girls.

  5. LOVE your blog and LOVE reading the advice column on Jez. Wish you had been my wise older friend when I was a wee tween. Also have a girlcrush on you.

    Jezabel commentators are so boring and how far over their heads your writing style and presentation flies makes me cringe @ them.

  6. The concept of humour generally doesn’t seem to go well with the (slightly manhating) Jezebel audience. That’s why I think most of their articles are a bit boring. As are most of the user comments.

  7. They have no personality over there. Im sure they are just intimidated by your hotness.
    “”Never fear being vulgar, just boring.” – Diana Vreeland.

  8. i love your blog to bits and think you are great, BUT your whole “sticking a tampon in over and over again line” really really winds me up.
    “I’ll make this very clear. Generally speaking, just shoving a dick in-and-out of a vagina does not feel good for the girl”.
    NO NO NO NO NO NOT THE CASE!!! Generally nothing, please stop acting like this is some ne’er before shared universal truth. Your blog’s got loads of those, but this isn’t one of them. I’m really sorry that for you, penetration feels like you’re inserting your tampon on repeat. Well, me? I can’t get enough of it, orgasm or not. Shoving a dick in and out of a vagina feels pretty fucking great to lots of women. I can’t believe this line doesn’t get an “uhhhhh whut?!” more often.

    1. Great, feel free to write your own blog posts about how your own vagina feels, but I’m speaking from personal experience.

      1. right. so why say “Generally speaking, just shoving a dick in-and-out of a vagina does not feel good for the girl”, and not “doesn’t feel good for me”?

      1. That wasn’t very nice glamazon.

        karley – maybe you were just in a ‘who cares, fuck the hater’s’ mood, but it sounded like polly was just giving you some honest, considered (flattery filled) feedback. Maybe you’ll respond to her one day but at the moment it reads like you just blanked her for questioning you. Surely there’s no need to be so ‘locker room’ about it? Bitchiness is really boring.

        I’ve enjoyed catching up on Slutever over the years. The pleasure comes from a mixture of enjoying the musings of a kindred spirit, and a compulsion to read the diary of a cool kid.
        Don’t let the crazy Jezebels get to you. Keep doing what you’re doing but don’t forget the sisterhood (and yes that means those bitches who get off on dick alone!)

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