Ask Slutever for Jezebel

More sex and dating advice is here, yay! This column was originally for Jezebel!

Say you met someone on the internet, had a blast and knocked it out of the park in the sack (his words…) You want to do it again, but it wasn’t implicit that you’d hang out or contact each other afterwards. How do you indicate you want to fool around again without sounding crazy or like a pathetic hobag? It’s been just over a week and I think it’s time to refresh his memory!

Well, it’s not rocket science darling. You should text him and say, “”My mouth is wet just thinking about you. I want to feast on your semen.” That’s the default text I send to all the new people I meet. Or, if you want to go a more classic route, you could text him, “Hey, I had a lot of fun with you. Want to get dinner?” This may seem complicated, but just breathe, I believe in you. Think of it this way: if Elián González can navigate his way to America on a crappy life boat, at the age of six, with no wi-fi, then I’m sure you can handle sending someone a text message.

It’s neither crazy nor pathetically ho-ish to ask someone to hang out with you. And unless you only want to have one night stands for the rest of your life, you have to follow up with people you actually like. This isn’t the 50s. Girls don’t have to wait for boys to ask them to the dance. And let’s be real, modern men are terrified of women. (Although I’ll admit I’m speaking as someone who lives in Williamsburg — a place where the vast majority of men are effete, frightened little flowers. I imagine there are other places in the world where the men still act like men, but here it’s the lesbians who assume that role.)

I think in general, people can afford to be less afraid of rejection. Consider this: even if you ask your crush out and he says no, who cares? You’re still in the same position as you are now: alone. So really, you can only gain from trying. And being rejected really isn’t that big of a deal. I mean it is for like three seconds, because you can’t help but think stuff like, “OMG, why doesn’t he want me, it must be my eczema.” But then you remember that different people like different things for different reasons, and attraction and sexuality are complicated, and that we’re all going to die anyway, so nothing matters.

Also, are you sleeping with my creepy uncle? Who says “knocked it out of the park in the sack”? Gross.

My wife and I are both in our mid-40s. My sex drive is a little diminished from what it used to be. Unfortunately, my wife experienced early menopause and has been post-menopausal for seven years. She can’t get into the mood any more, so it’s been about six years since we’ve had sex. Of any kind. She feels that if I have sex with her when she’s not in the mood that I’d be using her. And since she can’t get into the mood any more, no sex for me. Ever again. Am I justified in feeling a little resentful about this?

Thanks,
Herbert

Wait, are you sure this isn’t something that can be fixed by putting on the Ginuwine Pandora station? If you’ve already tried this, don’t fret. There is hope for your wife’s cobweb-ridden vagina yet! There are a variety of treatments out there for Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder, including testosterone patches, certain antidepressant drugs, and therapy. She should see a doctor. Or, there are some simpler things she can try, like trying to arouse herself by watching porn or using a vibrator. Because what are the conveniences of modern technology there for if not primarily to make us horny?

Here’s a relevant question: how much of an effort is your wife making to change her situation? Withholding sex from your spouse for six years is simply unfair. Your wife sounds like she’s on a power trip, and you are justified in feeling resentful. When you’re in a relationship, sometimes you have to go out of your way to do things for the person you love, in order to show them you care. It’s like when you have kids-sometimes you have to make dinner even when you’re not hungry, to prevent your children from starving. And when you’re married, sometimes you have to take the d even if you’re not “in the mood,” to prevent your spouse from railing someone else. Like the other day my bf wanted to fuck but I was watching American’s Next Top Model, but rather than causing an argument I just pressed pause and rolled over, and five minutes later I was back to watching Tyra. See, nbd.

It’s not fair of your wife to eliminate even the possibility for intimacy in your marriage. You need to talk with her, and explain how you’re feeling. Also, FYI, couples therapy is actually very chic, and makes you feel like you’re in a Woody Allen movie from the late 70s.

Dear Slutever,
I thought that after the first time, when all those lovely things down there pop and stretch, having sex wouldn’t hurt. I lost my virginity five years ago and every time someone pokes his eel in the cave, it hurts. For a long time I had a really patient and loving partner who would be careful and stopped if I asked him too, but I never really wanted to deprive him of that experience so even when it hurt a lot, I wouldn’t say anything. I’ve tried lube, using toys, and I try and relax before sex, but none of that has helped. The fact that having sex causes me pain prevents me from even considering sleeping around because I just don’t trust anyone enough with my ‘abnormal’ body to go all the way with them. I would love to be able to have non-painful, if not enjoyable sex. What do you recommend I do?

It seems like you are suffering from either dyspareunia (general sexual pain), or vaginismus (pain characterized by involuntary vaginal tightness). It may sound like a cop-out to say that you should see a doctor, but you should definitely get checked out, because sexual pain can be caused by lots of different things, like ovarian cysts, vaginal dryness (aka “desert vaj”), genital or pelvic tumors, or a whole range of other fun stuff.

However, I have some good news for you: Benzodiazepines have been shown to seriously help with sexual pain, with one study showing amazing results of diazepam (Valium) for the treatment of vaginismus. Also, having a Valium prescription would just generally be really cool, because aside from fixing vagina problems, Valium is also great for recreational and friend-making purposes too. It puts you in a really delicate and beautiful headspace-somewhere between “almost asleep” and “homicidal” (aka my preferred mode of operation).

See, operation facilitate sluttyness is now well underway!

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