Ask Slutever: The “I’m in a Bad Mood” Version

Young Steve Buscemi – I die

Even bloggers get in bad moods sometimes. A few weeks ago I was feeling particularly misanthropic and wrote an Ask Slutever column for Jezebel that was slightly on the harsher side. My editor responded with something along the lines of, “WTF, why are you being such an angry bitch? We can publish this.” She was right–I was taking my cunty feelings out on the readers. How un-Zen of me! However, I figured it wouldn’t hurt to publish my rejected column here, because I feel like if you’re HERE spending your time reading MY BLOG then it means that you truly love me, even when I’m on my period.

I’m a 23 year old male and have had a few sexual partners. I’ve always prided myself on being attentive to a woman’s sexual needs over my own, ensuring that she cums before I do, and I love foreplay and going down on women. However, I often find that when it comes time to actually have sex, I can’t stay hard with a condom on. Is something wrong with me? Kevin
Do you have zero problem solving abilities? Unless you have actual vascular damage to your penis then the issue is clearly psychological. So stop being an idiot and take some Viagra.

I really regret what I did today. I went to see a prostitute and I don’t know whether she is infected with AIDS or any other related diseases. I inserted my fingers into her vagina, but other than that I didn’t have any sexual intercourse with her, and we didn’t kiss. I’m really scared. Could I have been infected with AIDS?? Please tell me ASAP. Thanks, Ram
First of all, you can’t be infected with AIDS. You can be infected with HIV, after which you may or may not develop AIDS. And second of all, unless you had cuts all over your fingers then you obviously did not contract HIV. GOD, I don’t have time for these crap questions! I’m very #busy and have my own (intense and increasing) relationship problems to deal with, and do not wish to be raped of my time by emailing trolls.

Let me explain to you how advice works. Generally speaking, when asking for advice from another human being, it’s best to ask questions of morality or opinion. For example, “My boyfriend cheated on me but I still love him. Should I forgive him or break it off?” That is a valid question to ask someone, because we can all agree that there are many possible answers to that question, and that different people will provide different responses based on their own personal definitions of right and wrong. Here’s an example of a question you should not ask an advice columnist: “Excuse me, where is China?” I would never bother another person by asking them where China is, because there is obviously only one definitive answer to this question, and I can find it very easily myself by typing said question into the Google search bar.

You want to know about HIV transmission? Well Google it. I am not your personal search engine. I have a life. We all only have a finite amount of time here on this earth, so please do not steal mine, you time thief!

There is a chance some guy smeared his semen on my arm while he was high. (It might have been lotion, but I didn’t get a good look at it.) I quickly washed it off, and dumped half a bottle of hand sanitizer on my arm, but I’m still worried. If it was semen, could I have contracted an STD?
I hope you contracted an STD that results in sterility, because if you are as stupid as you sound then you do not deserve to procreate.



37 Replies to “Ask Slutever: The “I’m in a Bad Mood” Version”

  1. HA. Reminds me of Jennifer Lawrence answering those fucking ridiculous reporter questions after her win. What a waste of time!

      1. ahhh no. I know them, and they didn’t steal your name. They weren’t even aware of your existence when they named the band. Crawl out of your own arse and stop being such a narcissistic bitch. You didn’t come up with the word ‘slutever’.

  2. what movie is that still from? Buscemi is such a babe.

    also I can’t believe people can be so dumbdumb stinky pants that they believe they can catch HIV from putting their fingers into vaginas.

      1. FUCK need to watch this. He’s so gangly and awkward looking and hot and stuff.
        downloading now. thnx karley have a nice day!

  3. That was so good, I’m glad you published it here! In fairness though, I freaked out when I was in Thailand and a healthy looking cat licked my finger. Still paranoid that I have rabies…

  4. I approve of this and think it should actually be a regular feature. People really do ask some terrible questions.

  5. this better than the real Jezebel column. They’re cowards for not publishing it. Love it! Love you! xxx

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *