It was my birthday a couple days ago. I’m now officially twenty-four. Great, in a year I’ll be a quarter of a century old and I’ve yet to accomplish anything of value. What have I been doing all this time? I used to have such promise —I graduated top of my high school class, was headed for a degree at an Ivy League college. For a while I was even seriously considering becoming a paleontologist. (Lolz) And now look at me—a dirty squatter caught up in a world of prostitutes, junkies, shitheads and shamans. Who are these freaks? How did I get here? This isn’t my life. Well, it wasn’t supposed to be anyway.

My mother says my problem is that I’ve “lost my relationship with god” and that I’m “on dope.” She recently suggested I make a vision board, so like a list of personal goals using visual images, as suggested by Oprah. She seems to think it will solve all my problems. I, however, think the larger issue is that whenever I sit down to work I just end up watching videos of fat people falling on Youtube, or taking Valium and staring at the wall for five hours.

But moving on—on Saturday night my fellow squatmates and I held a party at our house to celebrate my glorious birth. Both Bunny and Kerri (squatmates) had birthdays last week as well, so the party was sort of a joint celebration for the three of us. Although I just kept telling everyone it was only for me. La fiesta probably would have been better if there weren’t so many random creeps barfing everywhere, snorting lines of ketamine off all my stuff, and tagging every possible surface of the house with lame shit like “Yur mum sux”, but what can you do?

Here are some pictures from the party. Photos by Darren Cullen and Jamie Taete.

A punk band called Stavin Chains played. I heard they were, however I was far too distracted by the fact that they were all hot, young, half-naked boys covered in dirt to remember what they sounded like.

My very thoughtful housemate Dominic made special customized birthday cakes for all of us.

Mine had a vagina on it.

Pat Bateman showed up and rocked out HARD.

The best part of the party was definitely all the hot, boy-on-boy tongue action.


I caught some guy taking lines of K off my copy machine.

I think he took too much…

Mid party Kerri took a power nap on Hannah.

Later on in the night we got bored so a couple of us went to the bathroom and shaved Dan Devine’s inner thighs.

He was very happy with the results.



9 Replies to “Birthday”

  1. Based on the pictures I'd say you had a great party… interesting, if you will. About accomplishing great things in life – writing pretty much seems to be the thing for you to do so you're kind of on the right track. How else would the world know of your awesomeness, no ?

  2. @bearcat – Private school kids? Are you serious? It's hilarious how much some people want that to be true. The worst you could accuse half of us of is being from middle class backgrounds, the rest were brought up in pure Rab C Nesbit territory. But if it makes you feel better to imagine that we can just call up daddy to buy us a penthouse once we're sick of living like scumbags, that's fine, but unfortunately it's not even close to the truth.

  3. I just noticed some people in the photos, I didn't mean to implicate the general whole here. Squatting isn't pretty. I'm glad I have somewhere to call home.

  4. MADNESS. That party really looked intense. Like, a lot of people showed up. Oh, and I was wondering how you got like… a copy machine and internet if you're a squatter.HEY. Shame you weren't an archaeologist. Or a space archaeologist. That's a great conversation piece. "Oh, yes, I'm an archaeologist. I look at… rocks." It's so sad that when I think of archaeologists, I think of Jackie Chan. lol

  5. I wish there was as much gay sex in my house as there is in yours. I have to watch LoGo for it. Except for like that one time when I woke up to two of my best gays cuddling on the shag rug of my bedroom floor. But I was on my way to the toilet due to a hangover, and was clearly still much too intoxicated to enjoy it.Well, there was that other time when two of my other gay friends were groping each other…but nothing came of it because one of them was a virgin and too scared.That was really depressing.

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