Category: Sexy Advice

Dating 101: Slutever’s sex and love advice

Posted on

Ask Slutever

Photo by Helmut Newton

I’m a 20 year old girl, I’ve been with my boyfriend for over a year, and a few months ago we moved in together. I love him, he’s a great lover, and I’ve never felt so close to a person in my life, yet I feel like something’s missing. Last weekend I visited a friend in a different city, and I met a few of her hot male friends. I was honestly considering sleeping with this one guy while my boyfriend was at home missing me. I feel so confused and desperate. I would never want to hurt him, yet I keep wondering if we are meant to be.  I can’t talk to my friends about this because I feel so embarrassed about myself. Help! Kayla

Well Kayla, the technical term for what you’re experiencing is FOMO–fear of missing out syndrome. Your eggs are panicked that by only fucking your boyfriend they’re missing out on partying with better, hotter, funnier, most stylish sperm. But don’t worry, this is totally normal! The question isn’t why you feel this way, but rather how you should respond to these completely run-of-the-mill (and frankly quite boring) feelings.

It’s ridiculous to think that just because we love someone our lust for others will miraculously disappear. Lust is an inherent human reality, and it will never be fully tamed by love. Sure, sometimes during the first stages of a new relationship, we can become so infatuated with a person that for a while we’re blind to other sexual stimulus. But this phenomenon generally fades pretty past. Basically, no matter how in love we are, we’re still going to want to fuck our friend’s hot friends (and the cute American Apparel check-out guy and Michael Cera and our second cousins and anyone wearing a uniform and Stephen Colbert for some weird reason).

The issue of monogamy is stressful–I’m with you on that one! On one hand, I know it’s crazy to assume that one person can give me everything I want–can be amazing in bed, can be kind, can make me laugh, can stimulate me intellectually, can make me lentil soup when I’m depressed, etc. That’s asking a lot of one person! But on the other hand, there’s that annoying thing known as jealousy, which gets in the way of rational thought.

The romantic part of my brain believes that deciding to be faithful to one person is really beautiful, because making that sexual sacrifice can result in a stronger relationship. However, the other part of my brain (the larger, more intelligent part) thinks, “Life is short, we should all fuck whoever we want.” Overall, I think Dan Savage’s idea of “monogamish” is a pretty good relationship model. The idea is that you can be together with one other person, but loosen the reigns of your relationship just enough to give you both a little breathing room. Another term for this would be “open relationship,” although I know that scares some people off, because how open is “open”? Does open mean a no-boundaries fuck-fest where your partner is having intimate and emotional relationships with a zillion other people? Or does open mean that once in awhile, if you’re out of town, or drunk at a random party, you can fuck someone else and not have it be the end of the world? As Dan Savage put it, “Sometimes opening the door just a crack can keep the door from blowing off its hinges.” And I really think that’s true. Because we all want what we can’t have, right? So if you can’t fuck someone else, you’re obviously going to want to desperately. But if the rules aren’t so strict, you become sort of like, “Yeah, whatever… maybe later. My crotch isn’t groomed anyway.”

But in case this new relationship model doesn’t pan out, then what are your options? Well, you can dump your boyfriend, or you can cheat. Now, cheating is probably not the most admirable thing a person can do, but sometimes I think it’s OK, if done correctly. If done in secrecy and with respect to your partner (no blabbing to friends!), and if the cheating doesn’t get out of control and isn’t too close to home, it’s not so terrible. Especially if you consider that the alternative is you being unhappy and potentially starting to resent your partner, thus causing problems within your relationship. Am I a bad person? Maybe. But so are you, probs.

And lastly, I have to acknowledge that you’re only 20. I hate to break it to you, but even if you and your boyfriend are “meant to be” for now, you probably won’t be together forever. Or at least I hope you won’t. It’s good for people to experience multiple relationships in our lives, because each new person we date teaches us something new about the world, and about ourselves. Think of all the things you’ll miss out on by staying with one guy forever–you’ll never fuck a guy twice your age, you’ll never be in an orgy, you’ll never be a lesbian, or a prostitute, or a single girl going on a sex rampage across Europe. If you miss out on these things, you’ll regret it when you die. You’re welcome.

Posted on

Ask Slutever

I’m in a steady long-term relationship with a guy and we both want to have a threesome with another girl. Amazing. I have a girl in mind–a friend of mine–and I discussed it with my bf and he’s pretty into her too. So, how do I propose the idea of having a sexy hotel weekend with me and my boyfriend to her without sounding hella creepy and losing a mate? Seems risky and I’m kinda freaking out about it. Also, what are our alternatives? Would it be better to do this with a random girl than with a friend? Although it’s actually pretty hard for a couple to pick up a random chick, as they’re crazy sought after. Help–tips for a good threesome please! Anonymous Candy

Choosing the right threesome partner is a delicate and complex operation. If you mess it up you could ruin your relationship and life forever.

j/k?

Group sex is cool. I like it in a completely different way than I like “regular” sex. I enjoy the playfulness of it, and the fact that it can be really wild and silly and random, almost like a vacation from the often more emotional/intimate sex had with one partner. I also think that threesomes have the ability to bring couples closer together. When I would have threesomes with my ex, it really felt like something we were doing together–choosing a person to do it with, planning how and where it would happen, discussing it afterward–all of that planning and anticipation became part of our erotic experience. Also, bringing another person into the sexual equation can teach you and your partner things about what each other are into, and it’s just fun to push your sexual boundaries together. (Also, if you’re lazy 3somes are cool because you only have to do half the work, duh.) However, you obviously have to take into account that deciding to have group sex will involve watching the person you love fucking someone else in front of you, and not everyone is necessarily down with that.

In my experience, when having a threesome with someone you’re dating, it’s best not to have the third person be a close friend, or someone who you guys see on a regular basis. It just gets a bit messy, because no matter how open-minded or sexually carefree you are, jealously (annoyingly) does exist, and there might be a moment in your threesome where for whatever reason you feel uncomfortable with what’s happening, and even if five seconds later you don’t care and are having fun again, even that moment of doubt may change the way you feel about your bf or your friend forever. Maybe not, but maybe, ya know? Like you said, it’s a risk. Whereas if you fuck someone who is more removed from your lives, there are less emotions involved in the experience, which allows the threesome to become its own non-reality no-consequence supernatural sex bubble. Or ideally it does, anyway.

Some of the best threesomes I’ve had have been with people visiting from out of town. Those are cool because you’re generally excited to see the person who’s visiting, but then after you fuck them they fly back to wherever it was they came from. So basically, if either you or your bf have a sexy female friend visiting, you should pounce on them. Or, if you want to go a different route and fuck someone totally disconnected from you, you could always find someone online. There are lots of adult dating sites, such as XXX Sex Guides, where you can meet like minded people looking for casual hook-ups (that goes for threesomes or otherwise), which are helpful for finding a “random” to hook up with, without having to be that creep lurking around the bar, trying to lure strangers back to your free-love dungeon.

In terms of how to ask a person for a threesome, I’ve found a good way is to just text them saying, “Hey, you wanna get threesome’d?” It’s best to be casual about these of things. When it comes to group sex, formality can be a bit awkward. And don’t worry about being rejected by the threesome-ee, because they usually say yes. And if they don’t it’s because they’re in a relationship or prude or have herpes.

And lastly, let’s be real, alcohol helps. It takes the edge off, and just generally makes you less inhibited and more horny. Although don’t black out, because memories are good to have sometimes, and don’t pass out, because being a passed-out drooling slob person is neither sexy nor glamorous. No one wants to be asleep at the orgy.

Posted on

Ask Slutever

Photo by Ryan McGinley

Is it wrong to tell the person you’re dating that you wouldn’t mind if they gained a little weight?  I’ve been seeing a girl who is beautiful and very sweet, but I’ve always had a thing for girls who are a little curvier. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with her–in fact, she’s damn near perfect–but if she happened to want to not worry about her weight so much and gain a few pounds by eating some delicious meals, we could both be happy, right?  Is that so wrong?  Chevy

Why don’t you say to her: “I see you’re drinking 1%. Is that because you think you’re fat? ‘Cause you’re not. You could be drinking whole if you wanted to.” And if she says, “What are you talking about, I’m not drinking milk right now,” you can just laugh and say, “I know baby, I was only making a joke. Oh and by the way I like fat chicks.”

Girls don’t like to be advised on issues of weight. We like to be told that we look perfect and then for you to walk away. However, there are ways that you can achieve your goal discretely, using tactics such as subliminal messaging and deception. For example: Remember that book The Sneaky Chef that became famous a while back? It was basically a how-to guide for mothers on how to trick their children into eating vegetables. The gist of the book was that you can just hide veggies inside other, more tasty foods—“hide a lump of spinach inside a meatball!”, etc. Genius. Well, you can use this method too, except instead of hiding veggies you can hide lard. Peel a banana, take the banana out, fill the skin with sour cream, sew it back up CAREFULLY. She’ll never know. Hide a slab of animal fat underneath a pile of kale. Or, you could eat a McDonalds hamburger immediately before seeing her and then kiss her with your lips covered in a layer of grease lipgloss–that should give her at least 20 calories.

Casually tell your girlfriend that Real Women Have Curves is your favorite movie. Tell her you preferred Jessica Simpson in her 2009/2010 phase, and that before that she looked “like a man.” Or, alternatively, you could wait until you two have been dating long enough that you have an understanding of her prides and insecurities, and if you feel like it wouldn’t hurt her to say “I love your body so much that I wouldn’t mind there being even more of it,” then I say go for it. It will probs just make her feel skinny. (We love that.)

My date spunked on my stomach and I woke up with this baffling scabby thing where the cum was. Do you think it’s more likely that the shirt I was wearing stuck to his cum and bonded to my skin, later resulting in it (my precious human skin) being torn off, OR that this dude has acidic demon semen? Thanks, Jessa

Were you having sex with a human or a bull? Bulls have an acidic protein in their spunk, so if you were fucking a bull (no judgments here, we went to liberal art schools!) then it would make sense why his seminal fluid might have marked your skin. If you were having sex with a human, well, how the fuck am I supposed to know? Maybe a piece of cigarette ash dropped on your skin while you were blacked-out in the same place that the jizz was. Whatever, who cares. I doubt the guy is a demon. You don’t live inside an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

My boyfriend has never been interested in having sex while I’m on my period. I never really broached the subject with him until recently, since most of the time I feel like a mess while menstruating anyway. However, I will be having my period during my birthday this year and don’t want to miss out on getting some action just because my bf is grossed out by a little uterine lining. He literally said, “It’s just not right.” Like, what?! It’s 2013 for Christ’s sake. I know your thoughts on the matter and I was wondering if you have any ideas on how to convince my nun of a boyfriend to get a clue. Sincerely, Red Haze

As Katy Perry once advised me on the issue of period sex at the Chateau Marmont hotel in LA: “Put a towel down, put a towel down, put a towel down.” The moral of the story is, put a towel down. The other moral is if Katy Perry has sex on her period then so should we, because she’s famous and famous people are better and more knowledgeable than us normals on matters of literally everything.

Tell your boyfriend to think of it this way: Having sex on your period is like painting with your vagina. Look down at the towel underneath you post coital and say, “We created this piece of art together,” then put a photo of your conceptual art on Tumblr. A couple that blogs together stays together.

Does your boyfriend not know that blood is nature’s lubricant? Tell your dumb bf that the blood doesn’t actually go inside the pee hole, it just gets on the skin, and that blood is easily removed from skin with water. GOD. Remind him that you drink the gross milky liquid that he stores inside his balls on a regular basis, and that he should just grow the fuck up and deal with it. My ex used to be a wuss about period sex too. He’d always fuck me, but then would make a grossed-out face afterward and whine about having to take a shower. At a point it was like, “Jeez, if it’s such torture to have sex with me then please don’t bother. I’ll gladly roll out onto the sidewalk outside my apartment building naked and wait for a REAL MAN to come along and do the job right.”

Posted on

Ask Slutever: The “I’m in a Bad Mood” Version

Young Steve Buscemi – I die

Even bloggers get in bad moods sometimes. A few weeks ago I was feeling particularly misanthropic and wrote an Ask Slutever column for Jezebel that was slightly on the harsher side. My editor responded with something along the lines of, “WTF, why are you being such an angry bitch? We can publish this.” She was right–I was taking my cunty feelings out on the readers. How un-Zen of me! However, I figured it wouldn’t hurt to publish my rejected column here, because I feel like if you’re HERE spending your time reading MY BLOG then it means that you truly love me, even when I’m on my period.

I’m a 23 year old male and have had a few sexual partners. I’ve always prided myself on being attentive to a woman’s sexual needs over my own, ensuring that she cums before I do, and I love foreplay and going down on women. However, I often find that when it comes time to actually have sex, I can’t stay hard with a condom on. Is something wrong with me? Kevin
Do you have zero problem solving abilities? Unless you have actual vascular damage to your penis then the issue is clearly psychological. So stop being an idiot and take some Viagra.

I really regret what I did today. I went to see a prostitute and I don’t know whether she is infected with AIDS or any other related diseases. I inserted my fingers into her vagina, but other than that I didn’t have any sexual intercourse with her, and we didn’t kiss. I’m really scared. Could I have been infected with AIDS?? Please tell me ASAP. Thanks, Ram
First of all, you can’t be infected with AIDS. You can be infected with HIV, after which you may or may not develop AIDS. And second of all, unless you had cuts all over your fingers then you obviously did not contract HIV. GOD, I don’t have time for these crap questions! I’m very #busy and have my own (intense and increasing) relationship problems to deal with, and do not wish to be raped of my time by emailing trolls.

Let me explain to you how advice works. Generally speaking, when asking for advice from another human being, it’s best to ask questions of morality or opinion. For example, “My boyfriend cheated on me but I still love him. Should I forgive him or break it off?” That is a valid question to ask someone, because we can all agree that there are many possible answers to that question, and that different people will provide different responses based on their own personal definitions of right and wrong. Here’s an example of a question you should not ask an advice columnist: “Excuse me, where is China?” I would never bother another person by asking them where China is, because there is obviously only one definitive answer to this question, and I can find it very easily myself by typing said question into the Google search bar.

You want to know about HIV transmission? Well Google it. I am not your personal search engine. I have a life. We all only have a finite amount of time here on this earth, so please do not steal mine, you time thief!

There is a chance some guy smeared his semen on my arm while he was high. (It might have been lotion, but I didn’t get a good look at it.) I quickly washed it off, and dumped half a bottle of hand sanitizer on my arm, but I’m still worried. If it was semen, could I have contracted an STD?
I hope you contracted an STD that results in sterility, because if you are as stupid as you sound then you do not deserve to procreate.

Posted on

Ask Slutever for Jezebel

Read my latest sex advice column, originally written for Jezebel!

Hey. How do you manage your blackouts? Like, blackout drunk? Also, how would you deal with a somewhat famous dude who’s coked up and wanting pics of your naked body? Thanks, KC

Wow, what a classy question. Look KC, being a blacked-out bar ho is not a sign of a strong feminist who’s in control of her destiny. Also, what if you’re blacked-out and a party photographer shows up and wants to take photos of you? How are you going to pose to your full potential if you’re a sloppy mess? ‘Drunk girl at the party’ is certainly not the look for S/S 2013. Also, what do you mean by “manage”? Girl, blacking-out is the opposite of management.

As for the nudes, it’s always fine to send naked photos of yourself to people as long as your head isn’t in them, duh.

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for five months now and he has yet to kiss my pussy. Like his mouth hasn’t gone anywhere near it. I’ve asked him why he won’t do it, after which he asked me to wax it, so I did. Still nothing. He then said he hasn’t done it in a while, doesn’t think he’s good at it, and bottom line just doesn’t enjoy it. I, however, love giving him head. Even if I didn’t enjoy it so much I’d probably still do it, because I love him. He says he loves me too. So why isn’t he doing it? I miss getting eaten! Thanks, Stacey

Why don’t you try hiding your boyfriend’s dinner in your vagina and then telling him to go find it? Or if you don’t cook, just hide something really important of his in there, like his X-box or something.

The problem you’re having seems to be a problem for lots of girls, because guys are generally lazy as fuck in bed. (FYI guys, if you refuse to go down on your gf, she will no doubt tell all of her friends, which means there will be groups of girls all around town talking about how shit you are in bed.) In this case, your boyfriend is just being a selfish baby. Saying “I haven’t done it in a while,” or “I’m not good at it” are not excuses. People have all sorts of anxieties about sex — that’s normal! But part of the fun of sex is trying out new things, getting outside of your comfort zone, and working out what works and what doesn’t for you and your partner. Because if you only do the things you know you’re good at over and over again, then after a while sex can get pretty boring. Also, your boyfriend is being an ultra douchebag because you said you’re willing to compromise: If he’s being finicky about hair, you’ll wax it; if he’s being a wuss about the taste, he can do it after you take a shower, and so on. Perhaps you should remind your bf (in the nicest way possible) that his dick doesn’t taste like a fucking ice cream cone.

If you communicate all of this to him and he still refuses to go down on you, then maybe you should try not giving him head for a while. Give him a taste of his own medicine. This may kind of suck for you, because you said you like doing it, but the absence of BJs might make him relate to your desires a bit more. And if all else fails just talk about how great your exes were at eating your pussy, and how because he’s not satisfying you you’ve become obsessed with the ideas of fucking other guys. Scare him. Scare him real good.

Can you wax your own butt? (I mean, can one wax one’s own butt.) xo Jane

Well, how good are you at yoga? Also, how busy are you? I understand your desire to want to wax your butt yourself. I get waxed by a scary Polish woman who forces me to get on all fours during the procedure, and to lift my leg up like a peeing dog when she does the butthole part. Awkward! For this reason I always bring a copy of US Weekly with me to the waxologist, to serve as a mental distraction (and also to remind myself that celebrities are Just Like Us and also definitely get their buttholes waxed in the doggy-style position).

So yes, professional waxing is expensive and mildly unpleasant, but doing it yourself takes forever, and it’s super annoying. What if you miss a spot? Then you’ll have a weird patch of hair on your butt. Also — worst-case scenario — you won’t be able to keep your cheeks spread during the process, causing the wax on each cheek to make contact with each other, creating a wax bridge inside your buttcrack. And what’s your OKCupid date supposed to do with that?

My advice is, if you can afford a pro-wax you should just suck it up and do it. And if you’re short on cash then you can sit with the other poor people outside the wax factory and hold up a sign that says, “Help me! I’m saving up to get my butt waxed!” and maybe somebody will take pity on you.

I’m an Asian guy with a German girlfriend. We’ve been dating for a year and I lost my virginity to her. Here’s my problem: the average Asian man has a smaller penis than other races do. I love to have sexy time, but this causes me a lot of anxiety. I focus on making my girlfriend cum, but it’s hard because I don’t last long. I’m planning to have penis enlargement surgery soon. Any advice on how to last longer, and to please my girl with my below-average dick?

Sincerely, Jim

Damn, penis enlargement sounds like a pretty extreme solution. That’s very Austin Powers of you. Are you sure your girlfriend even has a problem with the sex you’re having, or are just you fabricating an issue that doesn’t exist because of your own paranoia? Also, what size is your girlfriend’s vagina? Who knows, maybe she has a small one and the two fit together perfectly.

There are ways to last longer in bed: wear a condom, rub some desensitizing cream on your dick, jerk-off more, etc. In general I would say that surgery should be reserved only for very extreme cases. Like if your dick is so small that even with an erection you still can’t see your dick through your bush, then fine, it’s something to consider, I guess. But otherwise you should just relax a bit and give your girlfriend lots of head—girls like that!

Being “good in bed” is not about being born with a huge dick, or having one of those fingers that can detach itself from your body while you’re at work, take the train back to my apartment and wake me up with an orgasm. Being good in bed is about being fun, willing to experiment, and caring about what makes the other person feel good. Also, consider this: lesbians have sex with without any penis at all, and they seem to be doing alright.

Posted on

Ask Slutever for Jezebel

Read the latest in my sex-and-dating advice column, originally for Jezebel!

I’m a middle-aged man who recently went down the path of online dating — a path that’s sometimes new, sometimes efficient, often maddening. Many people deceive you with old pictures and inapt descriptions, but once in awhile things work out. Sort of. Unfortunately, there are no boxes in most dating site profiles for “sexual preferences,” which of course means there is no way to know if a woman swallows or not. Not to sound shallow, but this is the way I like it. Recently I have had a run of bad luck, as several nice ladies in a row seemed to have potential… until the magic moment. Do you have any advice on possibly salvaging this situation? This is not an easy thing to tell your date!

Frustrated in Seattle



I don’t really get what online dating has to do with this problem. You do understand that women in the “real world” don’t walk around with signs on their foreheads that say, “I spit” or “I swallow,” right? This lack of oral knowledge is not restricted to the world of online dating. All men, both virtual daters and otherwise, have to deal with the tremendous burden of not knowing if a bitch is going to swallow his semen until his moment of climax. Poor you!



But anyway, why are all of these women consistently spitting? I mean, it’s messy. Girls, it’s already in your mouth. It’s high in protein. You might as well just swallow it and save yourself the mess.


As for you, Mr. Seattle, you should stop caring about having your semen swallowed so much. It’s undignified. And besides, there are other, more important things to worry about when it comes to your lady friends, like having an emotional connection or whatever. But if swallowing really is so important to you that you can’t live without it, then why don’t you just write, “I only fuck girls who swallow” in the “About Me” section of your online dating profile? I bet you’ll get a lot less women messaging you, as this will make you sound like a scary creep person, but at least you’ll save yourself a lot of wasted dates. 
 



I’ve heard so much conflicting information on g-spots (all women have them! some women have them! they’re a myth!) that I don’t know what to think. I’ve done some experimenting on my own, and I know where the spot (supposedly) is, and I’ve had guys do that thing where they crook their fingers inside me to try and stimulate it, but the only resulting feeling is the intense need to pee, and it never becomes pleasurable. Am I doing something wrong? HELP, I’m so annoyed!

Anita



Yeah, same for me. I searched and searched, and had many people try to find it for me and fail. I even enlisted a girl friend of mine who is a g-spot advocate to try her finger-magic on me once in the bathroom of a TGIFridays, but that didn’t work either. It’s like solely by virtue of being women we are automatically cursed to spend our entire lives searching for a g-spot that will never appear. It’s like Sisyphus pushing the rock up that stupid hill, or that weird snake who eats its own tail. Thus is the essence being a woman: a snake eating its own tail on repeat for eternity.

But moving on: ta-da! I can now tell you for almost-100%-sure that the g-spot is in fact bogus, according to this scientific study from 2001 titled The G-spot: A Modern Gynecologic Myth. The study finds that despite common public belief in the g-spot (founded after the concept first appeared in a popular book on human sexuality in 1982), there isn’t enough actual evidence to prove its existence. Dang, why are we all so gullible?! First Santa, then God, now this!


So I answered a Craigslist ad from a dude who wants to pay me $100 to watch him undress, shower and masturbate. He doesn’t want to send me a picture of him (he says he doesn’t send pics online), and he wants me to go to his place, and said it would last “less than 2 hours.” I don’t know what to do. It’s easy money, but I’m kind of worried about going to his place, and I find the “2 hours” thing weird. Isn’t that kind of long?

Xx
Pam

No! What if he’s a bath salt zombie luring you to his apartment so he can eat your face off? Seriously, don’t go to his house. First of all, you should be paid way more than $50 per hour for sex work, even if you’re not actually having sex or getting naked. Also, going to his house, where he has total control, is way too risky. Generally with this type of work it’s best to meet people in a public place first, in order to “feel them out,” before you even consider meeting them privately.

I work as a dominatrix on occasion (#part-time sadist), and when meeting a new client it’s customary to ask him for references of other dominatrices he’s seen, in order to do a little background check, and see if other Dommes know and recommended him as a client. If the client can’t give a reference, then ideally it’s best to do the “session” (whether you’re watching him masturbate, or pissing into his mouth, or whatever romantic shit you’re getting up to), in a dungeon. That may sounds scary, but most dungeons are actually just like hotels, except instead of beds and instant coffee the rooms are filled with, like, red velour thrones, morgue tables and horsetail butt plugs and stuff.

So, if you’re seriously interested in getting into the “humoring sex creeps for money” business, I highly recommend looking into whether there’s a BDSM dungeon near you that allows you to rent rooms hourly. (Most cities have them.) Other secondary options include hotels (the client pays), or somewhere with people you know around so that you’re not alone.

In conclusion, this specific situation is too potentially dangerous, especially for such a small amount of money. You have to set the bar high (your body is a temple, etc.), otherwise you’ll end up like that woman in Florida, begging people to have sex with you in exchange for hamburgers. #unglamorous

Posted on

Teen Real Talk


This may surprise you, but I don’t know EVERYTHING. Sometimes even people who give out advice for a living need some advice of their own. In light of this, I made an appearance on the web show Teen Real Talk, where I asked three teen girls in the UK to help me look like less of a skank. You can see it above! Also, this show is made by Bunny. (Long time readers of my blog will know who I’m talking about.)

Posted on

Ask Slutever for Jezebel

More sex and dating advice is here, yay! This column was originally for Jezebel!

Say you met someone on the internet, had a blast and knocked it out of the park in the sack (his words…) You want to do it again, but it wasn’t implicit that you’d hang out or contact each other afterwards. How do you indicate you want to fool around again without sounding crazy or like a pathetic hobag? It’s been just over a week and I think it’s time to refresh his memory!

Well, it’s not rocket science darling. You should text him and say, “”My mouth is wet just thinking about you. I want to feast on your semen.” That’s the default text I send to all the new people I meet. Or, if you want to go a more classic route, you could text him, “Hey, I had a lot of fun with you. Want to get dinner?” This may seem complicated, but just breathe, I believe in you. Think of it this way: if Elián González can navigate his way to America on a crappy life boat, at the age of six, with no wi-fi, then I’m sure you can handle sending someone a text message.

It’s neither crazy nor pathetically ho-ish to ask someone to hang out with you. And unless you only want to have one night stands for the rest of your life, you have to follow up with people you actually like. This isn’t the 50s. Girls don’t have to wait for boys to ask them to the dance. And let’s be real, modern men are terrified of women. (Although I’ll admit I’m speaking as someone who lives in Williamsburg — a place where the vast majority of men are effete, frightened little flowers. I imagine there are other places in the world where the men still act like men, but here it’s the lesbians who assume that role.)

I think in general, people can afford to be less afraid of rejection. Consider this: even if you ask your crush out and he says no, who cares? You’re still in the same position as you are now: alone. So really, you can only gain from trying. And being rejected really isn’t that big of a deal. I mean it is for like three seconds, because you can’t help but think stuff like, “OMG, why doesn’t he want me, it must be my eczema.” But then you remember that different people like different things for different reasons, and attraction and sexuality are complicated, and that we’re all going to die anyway, so nothing matters.

Also, are you sleeping with my creepy uncle? Who says “knocked it out of the park in the sack”? Gross.

My wife and I are both in our mid-40s. My sex drive is a little diminished from what it used to be. Unfortunately, my wife experienced early menopause and has been post-menopausal for seven years. She can’t get into the mood any more, so it’s been about six years since we’ve had sex. Of any kind. She feels that if I have sex with her when she’s not in the mood that I’d be using her. And since she can’t get into the mood any more, no sex for me. Ever again. Am I justified in feeling a little resentful about this?

Thanks,
Herbert

Wait, are you sure this isn’t something that can be fixed by putting on the Ginuwine Pandora station? If you’ve already tried this, don’t fret. There is hope for your wife’s cobweb-ridden vagina yet! There are a variety of treatments out there for Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder, including testosterone patches, certain antidepressant drugs, and therapy. She should see a doctor. Or, there are some simpler things she can try, like trying to arouse herself by watching porn or using a vibrator. Because what are the conveniences of modern technology there for if not primarily to make us horny?

Here’s a relevant question: how much of an effort is your wife making to change her situation? Withholding sex from your spouse for six years is simply unfair. Your wife sounds like she’s on a power trip, and you are justified in feeling resentful. When you’re in a relationship, sometimes you have to go out of your way to do things for the person you love, in order to show them you care. It’s like when you have kids-sometimes you have to make dinner even when you’re not hungry, to prevent your children from starving. And when you’re married, sometimes you have to take the d even if you’re not “in the mood,” to prevent your spouse from railing someone else. Like the other day my bf wanted to fuck but I was watching American’s Next Top Model, but rather than causing an argument I just pressed pause and rolled over, and five minutes later I was back to watching Tyra. See, nbd.

It’s not fair of your wife to eliminate even the possibility for intimacy in your marriage. You need to talk with her, and explain how you’re feeling. Also, FYI, couples therapy is actually very chic, and makes you feel like you’re in a Woody Allen movie from the late 70s.

Dear Slutever,
I thought that after the first time, when all those lovely things down there pop and stretch, having sex wouldn’t hurt. I lost my virginity five years ago and every time someone pokes his eel in the cave, it hurts. For a long time I had a really patient and loving partner who would be careful and stopped if I asked him too, but I never really wanted to deprive him of that experience so even when it hurt a lot, I wouldn’t say anything. I’ve tried lube, using toys, and I try and relax before sex, but none of that has helped. The fact that having sex causes me pain prevents me from even considering sleeping around because I just don’t trust anyone enough with my ‘abnormal’ body to go all the way with them. I would love to be able to have non-painful, if not enjoyable sex. What do you recommend I do?

It seems like you are suffering from either dyspareunia (general sexual pain), or vaginismus (pain characterized by involuntary vaginal tightness). It may sound like a cop-out to say that you should see a doctor, but you should definitely get checked out, because sexual pain can be caused by lots of different things, like ovarian cysts, vaginal dryness (aka “desert vaj”), genital or pelvic tumors, or a whole range of other fun stuff.

However, I have some good news for you: Benzodiazepines have been shown to seriously help with sexual pain, with one study showing amazing results of diazepam (Valium) for the treatment of vaginismus. Also, having a Valium prescription would just generally be really cool, because aside from fixing vagina problems, Valium is also great for recreational and friend-making purposes too. It puts you in a really delicate and beautiful headspace-somewhere between “almost asleep” and “homicidal” (aka my preferred mode of operation).

See, operation facilitate sluttyness is now well underway!

Posted on

Ask Slutever for Jezebel

Read the latest installment of my sex and dating advice column, originally published in the girl-bible, Jezebel!

I’m a 24-year-old girl and I’m freaking out about my sexuality. I’ve had sex with about 10 guys and have never even come close to having an orgasm during sex. Sensations feel good, especially if I’ve had a few drinks, but I’m starting to think I’m asexual or something since I can’t cum when I’m with a partner! PLEASE HELP!

– Sarah

Ninety percent of the questions I receive through this column are essentially asking this same question: “I’m a girl, I can’t cum during sex, WTF is wrong with my vaj?” Well, I’m sorry to say it, but there’s probably nothing wrong with you. And if I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: vaginal intercourse just isn’t very conducive to the female orgasm. Like, how the fuck am I expected to cum when there’s a dick ramming into my vagina? Talk about distracting! Thanks for nothing, evolution.

I’ll make this very clear. Generally speaking, just shoving a dick in-and-out of a vagina does not feel good for the girl. That just feels like we’re inserting our tampons on repeat forever until the end of time. Most girls need a soft, repeated motion on their clit for at least ten minutes in order to cum. Another effective technique is for the guy to insert his finger into the vagina with his palm-up, and then, while being conscious of accurate placement and pressure, make a “come here” motion. (Note: this is a maneuver that a penis cannot achieve, unless you’re Mr. Gadget.) If we’re really turned-on or on MDMA or something, sometimes cumming is a bit easier, but normally it takes some considerable time and effort to make a girl climax.

So Sarah, my professional advice to you would be to try out being a lesbian. Why not, ya know? Girls are better at making other girls cum, because they understand what’s going on in the relevant areas. Also, girls are generally more sensitive, caring and patient than men, which makes them better lovers. Also, being gay is edgy.

However, if girl-on-girl really doesn’t do it for you, then why not just start masturbating with your partner? That still counts as “cumming during sex,” because sex is more than just the in-and-out part, it’s all the stuff that happens around that, too. (Enlightenment moment!) I didn’t cum during sex until I was 22, which was the year that I realized I needed to stop waiting around like a delusional idiot and take matters into my own hands. Literally. I interviewed a porn star recently (she has asked to remain anonymous, for professional reasons), and she told me that she’s never been able to cum during a scene, and always has to fake it. However, what actually makes her cum is to lie next to her boyfriend and kiss while she uses her Hitachi Magic Wand. (#ModernLove) See, porn stars: they’re just like us!

I need advice on how to convince male paramours to wrap it up without being seen as “unclean” in some way. I’ve encountered a frustrating amount of men who claim to be clean, who are only convinced to use a condom after I mention I’m not on the pill. And then they proceeded to bitch about how uncomfortable it is! I’m about to enter a polyamorus relationship with a new gentleman, and I have no idea how to bring this up in conversation without sounding presumptuous.

Help,
Jaisley

People who sleep around and don’t use condoms are idiots. And let’s be honest: yes, condoms can be kind of annoying, but they’re not that bad. There are worse things in life. Like AIDS, for example. Also, if a guy complains about condoms being uncomfortable, just explain that they don’t feel amazing for you either, because the latex dries up the natural vaj juices, making your vagina even more of a desert than having this conversation already has.

Also, I wouldn’t worry about coming across as presumptuous or “unclean,” because that’s just a sign that you’re succumbing to his peer pressure. Sure, if I was in a monogamous relationship with a guy and we got tested together, and I was on the pill, and he continued to insist on using condoms, then I might feel the need to question him — like, “What skanks are you fucking behind my back?” sort of vibes. But other than that, it shouldn’t be an issue. And if a guy is so naïve or manipulative as to make you justify wanting to use condoms, then he deserves to be lied to. Just tell him you’re one of those crazy anti-abortion people, and that you can fuck bareback but that if you get pregs you’re having his baby. (And naming it Blue Ivy.)



I have an extremely high sex drive. I’m horny ALL the time, which I have no problem with. My partner and I have been together almost three years now and I really love having sex with him. There’s only one problem: he cums WAAAAY too quickly. Especially in the morning. I prefer sex in the morning because I’m not half dead from a long day at work. I’ve tried everything: blow jobs, different kinds of foreplay, even condoms, but nothing works. Sometimes I just give up after he has his happy minute and go have a shower. I hold nothing against him as he’s not circumcised, and I understand that makes things a lot more sensitive. But how can I make him last longer?

Thanks!
Rhiannon

First of all, if a guy is cumming too quickly during sex, giving him a blow-job beforehand is definitely not the answer. Unless you’re accidentally on purpose scraping your teeth against his dick during it or something. Also, being uncircumcised is not an excuse, as the majority of men in this world still have their foreskin. The bottom line is, if you’re not cumming during sex, and your boyfriend is cumming after one minute, then he sucks in bed and needs to make more of an effort.

I was once in a very similar situation to yours. I dated a guy who would cum at the speed of a nine year old, and I was horny all the time. I would pester him for sex constantly, to the point where he would get annoyed and tell me that my desperate need for sex stemmed from my own insecurity and constant need for attention. I started to worry that I was a sex addict. But then I realized that the reason I was constantly horny was because I was never actually satisfied by our sex, which left me always wanting more. So basically it was his fault, not mine! (As always.)

So, my advice would be to try to transform your sex life so that rather than having short, unsatisfying sex multiple times a day, you’re having more involved, fulfilling sex less frequently. Work out a time when you both have at least half an hour free to really focus and have fun. Then, make sure the foreplay centers around your crotch rather than his. If he can’t handle having his penis touched without cumming everywhere, then hold off on touching it for a while, ya know? Just be a bit selfish, basically. 
 


Posted on

Ask Slutever for Jezebel

By Daido Moriyama

Should you put baking utensils up your butt? Are STDs sort of NBD TBH? Read my new(ish) sex advice column, originally for Jezebel!

Dear Slutever, I do not engage in any sexual activity unless my prospective partner and I both get full STD testing. In the past five years, not one woman that I dated agreed to this. Why are so many women against getting tested prior to sex?

Sincerely, Alan



Hmm… that’s odd. I’m not familiar with many women who refuse to get tested. Perhaps the issue is that you’re bringing up the STD testing too soon, or the wrong way. Asking someone to get tested for crotch diseases before you fuck them, however smart, is not the sexiest thing in the world, so it’s important to do so in a way that doesn’t feel confrontational or accusatory. Maybe explain it like, “At the risk of seeming overly cautious, I have a personal paranoia about STDs, so maybe we could both get tested, because I think you’re really great, and I don’t want to ruin sex by being freaked out.” Make it about your paranoia, rather than her possible crabs, ya know?



Another option is to just chill out and use condoms like the rest of the world. Condoms, when used consistently and correctly, are highly effective in preventing the sexual transmission of HIV, as well as most other STDs too. (Although remember to always beware of sores or infected looking skin in the groin area!) Also, to be honest, most STDs that aren’t HIV or herpes are sort of NBD — not good, of course, but they can be cured pretty easily. Like I had Chlamydia once not that long ago, and literally all I had to do was drink this magical banana milkshake given to me by Planned Parenthood and I was back to normal in a few days. Casual!



Given your 0% success rate over the past five years, I would advise to use condoms the first couple times you sleep with a partner, and then once you know each other on a more intimate level, then you can bring up the STD testing. And then you get a joint Netflix account. There’s an order to these things. Good luck!


I’ve been at war for the past three years but I’m coming back next week, and I really need to take my mind off things and want to lose myself in some self-love. I’m in a small town with little access to sex shops, so I was wondering if you had any unique ideas for sex toys I could fashion out of household items, or any tips that would help achieve a great orgasm experience. I really need something to get excited about!

Thanks, Steven



First of all, I think it’s worth pointing out that when it comes to masturbation, the more elaborate your layout, preparation, or even construction, the more stupid and ridiculous you’re going to feel after you’ve cum. Like you know how immediately after orgasm you experience a harsh wave of reality, and you go from being in a soft-focus sensual dreamscape to just feeling like a weird little animal with your cock in your hand? Well, now imagine that but with the addition of soiled baking utensils. Even continuing to watch porn in the moments after I’ve cum feels insane and gross — like ugghhhh, why are they still doing that?! I have to slam my laptop shut, roll over and pretend it never happened.



But moving on, of course I have some tips for you! First of all, horniness makes people crazy and irrational, so you should definitely jerk-off at least once before you plan your masturbation session, so that you can think straight, pragmatically. Then, after that’s finished, head straight to the refrigerator. Food is a great masturbation aid. Who needs lube when you have condiments, ya know? (Free lube sachets in every restaurant!) My suggestion would be to scoop a generous dollop of mayo into your hand, and then start tugging away. The greasiness will increase the pleasure factor by at least 37%. Also, mayo is hot in that it’s sort of “wrong,” due to the egg connection, which makes it more deviant and sexy. Like you’re basically taking another species’ reproductive cells, mashing them up into a paste, and then using that to lube your genitals to ejaculation. #hot



Another tip for masturbating with crap you have lying around the house is to fill a sock with Jell-O, and then have sex with it. Fleshlight smeshlight. I’m almost positive this will feel just as good as a professional fake vagina. Plus, this is actually better because it’s way cheaper, and after you cum you can just throw it in the garbage, rather than having to clean it out (tragic).



I am a 31-year-old woman who has been married for 5 years. We still have frequent and awesome sex, but I have an issue that (oddly) seems to be getting worse with age. I orgasm way too quickly! And then I’m basically over sex. I’ve never had multiple orgasms, ever. I have one gigantic, eye-popping orgasm after about 3-5 minutes of intercourse and then I’m ready for sex to be over. I’m constantly telling my husband to slow down or stop totally during sex so I can prolong it enough for him to get off too, but it’s getting to the point where he’s a little hurt that I can’t “hang on.”

Love, Caitlin



OK… I’m not going to downplay your problem, even though I kind of want to out of jealousy and resentment :)



There is endless literature available on Tantra-related techniques to delay orgasm in men, but almost nothing for women, as seemingly few women have this problem. But don’t fret, we can work it out. Have you ever tried using desensitizing creams? They can be bought over-the-counter at most pharmacies, and though they’re generally marketed for men, I don’t see why they wouldn’t calm down your clit too. Also, it seems logical that if you can’t last very long during intercourse, you should delay the actual fucking and spend more time on foreplay. Hope you like giving blow-jobs! Breathe through your nose. Also, body position plays an important role in reaching orgasm, so maybe if you feel like you’re getting close you should twist your body into a really uncomfortable position, and the pain will prevent you from cumming. Also, I find it harder to cum if I’ve had a few drinks, so maybe indulge in some wine before sex. Or, you know what they say about heroin… j/k!