Ask Slutever for Jezebel!

Pic @ Jonathan Leder

Read my latest advice column, originally for Jezebel!

I’m a 26-year-old European exchange student currently studying in the US for five months. I have a (relatively new) boyfriend back home who I’m totally into, and before I left we agreed to be monogamous. But now I have a dilemma: I love Chatroulette, and I usually skip over the random masturbating men, but recently I’ve been fantasizing about not skipping over the dicks and engaging in some hot, anonymous Chatroulette-cybersex. Would that be cheating? I want to think not, but I also realize it’s different than porn — it’s an actual sexual interaction with another human being. My boyfriend and I Skype sometimes, but it hasn’t turned into Skype-sex. And besides, the fantasy is more about the anonymity of it. So: cheating or not-cheating?


Well, the concept of “cheating” is subjective, as it completely depends on the boundaries you’ve set with your partner. I realize that probably sounds like moralistic, guidance counselor speak — like as if any couple actually gets together and says, “Hey! Let’s spend the evening drawing out a detailed map of our relationship’s boundaries! BYOCrayons!” However, if you and your boyfriend engage in a reasonable level of communication, then you should hopefully have an understanding of what you both want and expect out of the relationship.

Think of it this way: some people (AKA prudes and religious freaks) think that simply watching porn is cheating. Others consider masturbation cheating, because they support that whole “But what were you thinking about?” argument. (Like as if anyone actually masturbates to the person they’re dating—idiots.) Then, there are people on the other side of the spectrum—for example people in open-relationships—who are totally cool with their significant other taking part in the casual gangbang. Basically, when it comes to cheating, there’s much room for interpretation. In my opinion, the best way to answer these types of moral questions is to reverse the situation in your head, and then think about how you would feel if he did the same thing to you. Would you be OK with your bf jerking-off with some random internet ho? I think the answer to your question lies in your response.

On another note: Bitch, you crazy. Why the heck would you agree to be monogamous with someone you just met, right before you moved to a foreign country for five months?! Five months is sooo long. I wouldn’t be surprised if your vagina sews itself shut by the time you get back. You’re in a new country, meeting lots of new people (AKA a new crop of human dildos), so why limit your potential experiences by devoting yourself to someone you barely know? Do you love this guy? If you do, OK fine, but if not I advise that you wait until your journey abroad is over before putting your vagina on a diet.

Ever since I started having sex I’ve always shaved my vagina without even thinking about it. It may look a bit nicer, but it’s a pain in the ass having to plan ahead and make sure you’re pristinely smooth every time there’s the possibility of sex. I don’t know if I’d like it grown out, but I think I want to try it. But I’m terrified the guy I’m sleeping with will freak out! It’s my body so I can do whatever with it, but should I tell/ask him about it before the experiment begins? Where do you stand on the ‘to shave or not to shave’ debate?


Don’t shave. Shaving is for girls in spaghetti strap tank tops who love tanning and have that mysterious type of hair that’s like vaguely crunchy but also somehow permanently wet?? (How the fuck do they do that by the way?) Seriously, every time I see a completely shaved vaj all I can think about is the skin on an uncooked chicken leg—you know what I mean? Like all fleshy and raw, and covered in little bumps. That is not glamorous. When a guy looks at your vagina you want him to be thinking about a mysterious cave of unknown pleasures, not how good it would taste with BBQ sauce.

Shaving is OK for porn stars, because porn is exaggerated and separate from real life (i.e. a realm where it’s totes casual to look into the depths of someone’s gaping butthole), so it’s OK for porn vaginas to be over-exposed and vaguely grotesque. That’s hot in porn world. It’s also fine to shave if you’re a teenager, because teenagers are clueless and haven’t worked out what looks good on them yet. (Also, teenage boys are idiots and generally can’t figure out where the clit is, so it’s probably best not to make things even more difficult with additional hair obstacles.) We all shaved our vaginas in high school, just like we all wore Uggs and got zebra stripe highlights and thought Kelly Clarkson had a “cool, funky style.” But now we’re older and wiser, and this sort of aesthetic ignorance is just unacceptable.

Do not ask the guy you are sleeping with about this, because his opinion doesn’t matter. Listen to me, because I know everything: The premium bush style is a well-groomed triangle. Keep the hair around the lips too — why not? — but remember to wax your butthole for the love of god. For vagspiration, think 80s Madonna circa her Sex Book (#IconicVaj), 60s Jane Birkin (#VintageVaj), Chloe Sevigny (#IndieVaj), and Kate Moss (#ModelVaj). Basically, classy adult women do not shave their vaginas.

Dear Slutever, I am a 26-year-old boy, and though I’m not a virgin, I am terribly inexperienced. I’ve recently started seeing a girl (yay!), however I’ve been having a little ejaculation problem. The problem isn’t that I cum too quickly, but rather that I stay hard all night and can’t ejaculate! It’s no problem for me to get hard, and stay hard, but it just requires too much mentally and physically for me to reach the point of orgasm. Am I not emotionally connecting? Is my problem psychological? Should I find some way to ‘sensitize’ myself?


There are lots of reasons why you might be experiencing jizz problems. Medically speaking, the condition of not being able to orgasm is called anorgasmia, and it can be brought on by a variety of factors. For example: a lack of comfort with intimacy or physical contact, past history of sexual abuse or trauma, disease, trust or communication issues with a partner, the use of SSRIs (commonly prescribed for depression), or — ta da! — anxiety. From what you wrote, it sounds like you’re just experiencing some nerves. You’ve got virgin-vibes and are sort of freaking-out about it, but that’s fine, because over time you’ll learn things and gain confidence. And also, it’s important to remember that you can still have sex that’s hot and fun and rewarding, even without an orgasm. Duh, us girls do it all the time! (And we hate you for it.)

On another note, have you ever thought about just faking it? Under normal circumstances I would say faking orgasms is a bad idea — for both boys and girls — because you don’t want to build a sexual relationship around something that’s false. However, if the not-cumming thing is really stressing you out, then maybe pretending a couple times will help take the edge off a little bit. And who knows, maybe just knowing that you can fake it, as a last resort, will ease your mind enough that you’ll be able to cum for real. (Although if you are going to fake it, remember to use a condom, otherwise your gf will be all like, “Uh, where’s the smoothie?”)

And lastly, this might be a shot in the dark, but your inability to cum could also be due to over-enthusiastic masturbation. Dan Savage talks about this a lot — about how over stimulation from watching a lot of hardcore porn, or from squeezing your dick too tightly while jerking-off, can lead to problems reaching orgasm when faced with an actual human vagina. In the words of Savage, you have to vary your routine: left hand, right hand, a little lube, a lot of lube, firm grip, loose grip. You don’t want to ruin yourself for partnered sex by using the “death grip” — a fist clenched tighter than any human throat or pussy can clench — during solo sex.

Vice Slutever Show: Gray Area

God, sexuality can be so #confusing, right?! Like, how are we supposed to tell if we’re gay or not? In this episode, my recent sex dreams about my gurl crush, Mistress Amanda Whip, cause me to ponder, “In sex, does everything have to be black and white–“straight” or “gay”–or can we be somewhere in between, like, in the gray area? Clearly, the only way to solve this dilemma is with a LESBIAN MAKEOVER!!!

This is my favorite Slutever episode to date, so I hope you like it too! I’m also extremely excited about the #all-star cast, including international playboy Dev Hynes (aka Blood Orange); Lauren Dillard of the trending lesbian band, CREEP; and of course, the most powerful lesbian of all time and member of Le Tigre, JD Samson. (I had a poster of JD on my wall during that one year I went to college, so this is a pretty big deal for me.)

Later queers!

Special thanks to “the team” – Adri Murguia, Martina De Alba, Greg Eggebeen and Mariano Carranza

Slutever’s “Sexytime Dilemmas” on Jezebel!

Photo by Marilyn Minter

The second installment of my new advice column for (aka the new feminist bible) is up! Now pasted below:

I’ve always enjoyed sex and more recently have learned to practice safe sex. However, the other day I was trying to count how many partners I’ve had in my life and couldn’t do it! I feel like there are people I can’t remember. I also can’t remember who exactly I lost my virginity to, although I know it was in high school. Is this strange? Should I be consulting a physician regarding the possibility that I’m suffering from a sex addiction? If I am practicing safe sex, and not hurting anyone, is it an issue that I’ve “lost count”?


Dearest Sacha,
Most of us can’t remember everyone we’ve had sex with, because sometimes we sleep with people while we’re blacked-out, obviously. 

To answer your question, I do not think you are a sex addict. Essentially, an addiction is a behavior that affects your life in a harmful or negative way, something that you feel powerless to stop. So as long as you still enjoy sex and are smart about it (which it sounds like you are), and your urge to fuck hasn’t gotten so out of control that you’re offering your mouth-hole to crack monsters in the street, then you’re A-OK! Basically, just because you can’t remember everyone you‘ve boned doesn’t mean you’re Tiger Woods. Rather, it probably means that you (1) are kind of slutty and/or (2) have a bad memory. (The latter seems like a definite possibility, as TBH it’s pretty weird that you can’t remember who took your virginity — was it at a blindfolded orgy?)

The moral of the sex story is, as long as you remember to be safe, then you can forget basically everything else. Although it’s probs best to try and remember the name of the person you’re fucking at least until the sex is over. I learned this the hard way, when the guy I’d met 30 minutes earlier pulled his dick out of my mouth and shouted “Say my name, bitch!”, and I had to be all, “Oh… yeah… uh, can you remind me of that again?” Mood killer.

My boyfriend can’t get hard over me anymore and in turn, won’t fuck me. Is this because of his “dietary problems”? (Google diagnosis) I’m the one who feeds the fucker and he still won’t have sex with me! Could it be because I’ve put on 7lbs, or because he’s just not attracted to me anymore? I’m starting to hate that he goes soft after eating me out for 10 minutes. THERE IS ONLY SO MUCH QUIET MASTURBATING I CAN DO NEXT TO HIS SLEEPING BODY PLEASE HELP ME!

Kind regards,

GURL, we have all been there! I don’t even want to tell you how many times I’ve quietly masturbated next to a sleeping lover, paranoid he’d be awoken by the dull vibrations of the bedsheets as I nervously flicked my way to happiness. However, on the plus side, these repeated secret masturbation sessions have made me a master of jerking-off with minimal movement or sound, which means I’m now able to guerilla masturbate in even the most public or cramped of places (i.e. on airplanes, in movie theatres, sitting on the couch with my mom, etc.). Seriously, all I need to do is throw a coat over my lap and I’m good to go!

But moving on, there are lots of reasons why your bf might be losing his boner. Impotence is a complex issue, and sex is extremely psychological, especially when you’re in a relationship. Things like this are never as literal as, “he doesn’t find you hot,” and gaining 7lbs is not enough to make someone not want you. (It’s 10lbs, at least.) Maybe there’s something else going on in your relationship that’s causing him to feel anxious or insecure that needs to be worked out before he can properly perform. You need to talk things through with him, but you have to go about it the right way. For example, shouting, “What’s wrong with your dick, you failure?!” is probs a bad idea, as impotence can be caused by a loss of sexual confidence due to a previous inability to get it up. Instead, a good idea is to take the focus away from his peen for a sec. Rather than waiting to masturbate until he’s passed out, why not involve him, and have him watch you? This is sexy, and it will put less pressure on him to please you, because you’ll already be getting-off. Ya know?

Also, just because a guy can’t get hard doesn’t necessarily mean he’s not turned on. Erectile dysfunction is a medical condition, and can be treated, so maybe he should see a doctor. On the other hand (not to be a bummer), there is the possibility that he’s just bored. Sometimes in long-term relationships this happens, which is why it’s good to switch things up once in a while, to keep your sex life exciting. Like maybe buy a new sex toy (like a horse-tail butt-plug, for instance), or do some role-play: you can be the urologist, and he can be the patient whose chronic case of bonerlessness you’re desperately trying to cure. Or something.

I’m 35 years old and have been with my husband for 10 years. We’ve been monogamous throughout and have a great sex life. In the past year we been exploring fantasies and have discovered we both get really turned-on when thinking of me sexually with another man. He says he wants other guys to know how good he has it with me. But now he’s taking it to another level and is naming off people we know that he could see me with. I find this fantasy exciting but I feel he is pressuring me, and I don’t know what to do. I am worried it will ruin our relationship. Please help!


This is a hard one. I’m inclined to say that if you’re feeling pressured or hesitant at all, then you shouldn’t do it. Sometimes fantasies aren’t meant to be realized. Like, I have a serious rape fantasy, although I’m almost positive I wouldn’t want to be raped IRL. You never know — the reality of sleeping with another man might weigh far heavier on you, and your husband, than you imagine. 

However, if this is something you guys decide you really want to try, then for the love of god DO NOT sleep with someone you know. That’s a horrible idea. One rule of threesomeing is that it’s best to fuck someone who is disconnected from your relationship, otherwise you run the risk of majorly complicating things, and instigating unnecessary jealousy and resentment. My suggestion would be to travel to another city and fuck a random internet stranger, this way if it all goes horribly wrong at least it was in a different area code, which means it doesn’t count.

“Ask Slutever” for Jezebel!!! <3

Self portrait by Sandy Kim

Soooo… today marks the beginning of my advice column for every gurl’s favorite website, Jezebel (aka Gawker’s girly site and the new feminist bible). I’m so excited! Check out the first installment of “Sexytime Dilemmas” HERE. The post has only been up on their site for like an hour, but there are already a gazillion people leaving me hate comments and calling me anti-feminist and dumb and under-qualified and a troll. So maybe you should get up all in the comment box and defend me. Cool? OK. (Who am I kidding? I masturbate to hate comments.)

Also, if you’re in need of some of my under-qualified troll advice, please send your sex, relationship or just general life questions to

Update, 24th Oct. – You can now read the entire post below!

Dear Slutever,
So, I’ve been sleeping with a guy for a while now and he recently told me that he wants to give me a facial. He doesn’t have any diseases so I feel like I’m pretty safe there, but have you ever done one, and what are your views on it? I know a lot of people find it degrading (which I kinda like the idea of, to be honest) but I can’t decide if that means I shouldn’t do it. Cassie

This question reminds me of a really awkward conversation I had with my mom recently. I was home for Labor Day weekend and, after downing a couple cosmos, she asked me if I’d ever heard of pussy-whipping. “Like when a girl has control over her boyfriend?” I asked. She responded, “No, like when someone hits your vagina with a whip.” This shocked me, coming from the mouth of my radical Christian mother, but then I remembered she was reading Fifty Shades of Grey and suddenly everything made sense. “What are your thoughts on it?” she asked.

My mother seemed extremely confused when I told her I had “no thoughts” on the matter. In my mind, asking my view on pussy-whipping, or facials, is equivalent to asking, “What are your views on can openers?” These are all just things that exist in the world, and we don’t need to take a stance on them. There are certain matters that deserve careful consideration (i.e. casting an actress to play yourself in the movie version of your life); some casual jizz on your face isn’t one of them.

People — women in particular — really need to get over the “is this degrading?” thing. If you have to stop and think about whether something is degrading or not, then it probably isn’t. I understand there are complex emotions involved in sex, so everything isn’t always black and white, but I also think that sometimes girls’ brains become so clouded by bullshit “feminist” ideals — “thou shall not be treated like an object,” “thou shall always be offended by men’s pervy remarks” (as if we are not equally adept at dismissing them, and dishing them out) — that we spoil our own fun. Don’t take yourself so seriously. In the midst of doing something you want and enjoy, why stop and think, “Wait, should I be getting off on this less and feeling exploited more?” It’s pointless.

If you’re having consensual sex with someone you like, and you’re both turned on by the idea of him cumming on your face, then you should do it, duh! It’s bad to analyze these things so much that they lose their spontaneity and hotness (and the rules of “real life” don’t apply in sex anyway, so whatever). Basically, we should all stop being so hyper-aware of the sociopolitical context of our sex lives, and start focusing on other, more important things, like becoming famous.

Help me out here: how and when do I stick my finger up a guy’s ass? A lot of men think that’s off-limits, so I’ve never ventured back there, but I want to massage someone’s prostate goddamnit! How can I make this work? Susie, CA

If you want this to work you’re going to have to be very delicate, and take things slowly. No one wants a dry finger shoved up their butt at random. In my experience, guys are generally more open to new concepts, and trying out new things, when you have their dick in your mouth. (This is because fellatio slows their brain down to a point of temporary insanity, which means their guard is down.) This is why mid-BJ is a great time to bring up things like, “Are we official?” or “Can I please borrow your car and $700?”

So, while you’re sucking, start playing with his balls and then slowly move moving your fingers back in the desired direction. Be conscious of how he’s responding to your touch. If he flinches as soon as you start poking around in that area, that’s not a good sign, but don’t give up hope just yet. Wait a minute or so, then do something fancy with your tongue to distract him and try again, rubbing lightly around the outside of the hole, as not to scare it. It might take a while to “feel out” (lol) if he’s going to be down for butt stuff, but even if your first attempt is a total failure, that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s never going to happen. Maybe it just wasn’t the right time, ya know? (To be honest, even if you’re someone who’s generally into anal, sometimes you just don’t want someone back there, like if you have to go to the bathroom or if you’re hemorrhoid is acting up or whatever.) Basically, never give up and remember that with a little perseverance you can do anything you put your mind to, Susie! Just think: it took NASA a long time to figure out Mars, but they never gave up and then finally last month they achieved their goal of DJing a Will.I.Am song from space. #inspirational

Also, this is sort of a no-brainer, but make sure your nails are trimmed and that your fingers have some spit or lube on them when you finally go for it, because intra-anal lacerations are not not glamorous.

Hi, I’m 27 and only recently left the church. I’m still a virgin and for most of my life I didn’t believe in sexual gratification, but now I’m looking to have my first self-orgasm. I was wondering, is this a subject you could help me on, or should I just ask someone else? I’m a bit embarrassed and don’t really have anyone to ask. Michael

Well Michael, as you sent me this question via email, I assume you have internet capabilities. The great thing about the internet is that it’s full of useful information, most of which is easily searchable through a popular website called Google. I’m almost certain that if you put “help with sexual gratification” into Google that there will be at least, like, six or seven billion videos of guys “self-orgasming” for you to watch and learn from. But that’s just a rough estimate.

As I understand it, an efficient way to induce self-orgasm in men is to simply hold the penis with a loose fist and then slide the hand up and down the shaft until a milky gunk comes out. This will induce a full-body sensation not unlike that of Jesus shining his love-rays down onto you from the hereafter. Except times ten.

You’re welcome!

Ask Slutever (aka Ask Bunny)

Illustration by Merlin Mannelly

For this edition of Ask Slutever I’ve enlisted my BFF Bunny Kinney to answer some of your pressing/desperate questions. Bunny has shared his words of wisdom for Ask Slutever a couple times before, and TBH he’s impressively good at giving out relationship advice, especially when you consider that he’s a possibly asexual, gender ambiguous, socially awkward depressive. Bunny has also written some guests posts in the past, mainly concerning life in the London squat we once shared. And I’ve written like 500 posts about him, all of which can be found in the archives of this #relevant sex blog. Smile!

I’m a 20 year old gay guy, and to most people I’m the not-so-token borderline asexual gay, which I guess is partially true, because sex is something that rarely crosses my mind. Little do they know I love meeting up with middle aged men and giving them blowjobs. Really impersonal encounters in their cars and in parks, cruising online and stuff. Every time it’s the same: I meet up with a guy, he tells me how great I am at sucking dick, then I walk away feeling guilty and vow to myself to seek out more meaningful sex the normal way, but give me a month or so and I’m back to lurking cruising sites. What worries me is that I pretty much have no sexual attraction whatsoever for guys my own age and have never had any emotional attraction to anyone. I have never been in a relationship and am someone who likes being alone, but not forever. I worry that my behaviour is going to make me old, cold, and lonely like some of the guys I meet up with.  Help! Anonymous

Bunny: I’ve recently been talking to a lot of asexual people I’ve met through various online forums while doing research for a short documentary I’m working on. I actually tagged along on their march at London Gay Pride the other week – you might have seen us, walking awkwardly along and shouting things like “We’re here! We don’t want to have sex with you! Get used to it!” whilst wedged in between a group of middle-aged Christian transsexuals and a lesbian roller derby league.

Asexuals are people who feel no sexual attraction to anyone, but the asexual community encompasses a much vaster range of people who identify in different ways. And as I’ve learned from hanging out with some of them, in addition to “not sex”, their interests also typically include writing fan fiction, watching anime, using the internet, getting cartilage piercings, and talking about being asexual. So basically everyone I did theatre tech with in high school.

Some asexuals are in non-sexual romantic relationships; others eschew from relationships all together. Others hover in a realm called “greysexual” – people who might occasionally experience sexual attraction, or have a very low sex drive, or only experience sexual attraction for people with whom they have first experienced an emotional attraction. There are even a few non-romantic sexuals kicking around the forums – those who enjoy sex but do not want relationships. Kind of like the cokehead one on Two and a Half Men.

My point is, as I’ve found it, asexuality offers a sort of weird window by which to better understand the infinite complexities of stuff like love and sex, sexuality and intimacy. It also reinforces the fact that no matter what you’re into – or not into – it doesn’t make you any less valid as a person or necessarily limit your prospects in terms of finding ways in which you can achieve intimacy outside of the conventions of sexual and/or romantic relationships.

What you’re into now might change as you get older, but it’s also important to accept that there is nothing wrong with not wanting to be in a relationship or feeling turned on by older dudes. And although your psychotherapist might try to break it down for you, as I see it, if who you’re into is ready, willing, and not going to kill you or land you in jail – what’s the problem? And perhaps, if your fears of a future all alone continue, you might try to spend some time with a few of these guys somewhere more conducive to conversation than the bushes near the Arby’s parking lot at 3am and stumble upon that seemingly impossible combination of a person who attracts you physically as well as emotionally.

I’m an 18-year-old virgin starting college really soon. I’m really body conscious–I’m gangly and nerdy and just very shy. To make matters worse I went to an all boys high school and think I might be gay or at least bi-curious as all I watch to jerk-off is gay porn. I have been going through this vicious self-defeatist lifestyle, like I purposely did really badly in my final year, only just scraping through with my SATs. It might be depression but everyone has those days, right? Is there any life advice you can offer me? Life’s really just lonely and boring and I kinda hate the world as a result. Henry

The good news is: high school is over. Gone are the days of changing into your gym clothes in the locker room toilet stalls five minutes before all the other boys arrive. Never again shall you fear out over which table of mutants you’ll be forced to sit with in the lunch room. And no one who isn’t a complete twat will ever ask you about your SAT scores again. The last person who asked me about mine was this fat kid called Jeff Bus in my college freshman orientation group who bragged about his perfect score on the math section and then dropped out a few months later to became a full-time weed farmer. News flash, Jeff, we went to art school. We didn’t even have math classes. But we definitely had classes where you could learn to blow glass, so he probably crafted a few artful bongs and felt as if he finished learning everything he needed to in life and just got on with things.

Anyways, hurray! You are now officially free to be whoever you want to be and do whatever you want to do without feeling the wrath of a testosterone-charged bromocracy upon you as you attempt to inconspicuously cross the hallway between classes. When I reflect on my formative teen years, I feel as if I was not far off from where you are now. Life was the pits. Cowering underneath my Snoopy-embroidered kimono was nothing more than a clueless, 90-pound child of indeterminate gender.  As far as I was concerned, if the world that waited outside my conservative Christian high school in Texas did not prove to be any less evangelical, jock-saturated or prison-like, I definitely would put some rocks into my pockets and walked into the Rio Grande.

So, this is the part where I’m supposed to tell you that “it gets better” because that’s what Ellen told me to do. But the truth is, it doesn’t always. Life is quite often a complete piece of shit, but not without its redeeming moments that keep me interested enough to stick around and see what happens. Existence is plagued with things over which most of us have little control – stuff like who are family is or which high school we go to or our body type or all of the hormones rushing through our heads that keep leading us back to the “solo male J/O” section of xTube –  and although I have always been a bit on the depressive side myself, until recently I had never before considered that happiness itself might be a matter of choice. And I think that if you really want to choose to be happy, you first have to figure out what makes you happy, and then do it. Just be the gangly loser you are, and as long as you’re keeping yourself busy enough with the stuff you like to do and the people you like to do it with in a place that isn’t completely dismal so that you’re not bored and alone and miserable all of the time (just some of it), then you’re probably going to be alright. It’s what I tell myself every day.

I’m a fairly heavy heroin user. I’ve been doing it off and on since I was twenty-one (I’m turning thirty in a few months), and have been seriously addicted for the last five years. I do not use needles (I snort it), but my use is a good deal heavier than most junkies I’ve known. Most of my sexual life has been spent in relationships. From my high school sweetheart on I found myself losing my libido as the relationship progressed, to the point where I would not want sex even though I still found the person in question very sexy. My last girlfriend did not know I was using drugs and a huge part of our breakup revolved around my refusal to fuck her, even not being able to get it up sometimes. I found her very sexy and wanted to be with her but my libido just dropped off a cliff after the sixth month. I now have gotten down to masturbating about once a week just to release fluids and neither my mind nor body crave sex in the least. I enjoy sex and miss it and wonder if there is any problem with me other than the drug use, and if there is a possibility that I might be able to raise my libido without quitting my vice. Alexander

Like science and religion, or ketamine and jello shots, opiates and sex are simply incompatible. Drugs like heroin prolong orgasm – which might seem like a good thing, especially for Sting or males who ejaculate prematurely – but it basically makes it impossible to orgasm, and in the process manages to rid you of energy, pleasure, and the will to carry on. If you can even get an erection at all, after two hours of joyless, robotic humping, you will probably give up, unsatisfied and very sore. What’s a junkie to do? You can’t have your cake and eat it too. Well, at least not if you’re in the toilet puking up because you’ve taken too much smack.

I’m fairly libertarian in my view of other people’s drug use, so I’m not going to tell you to stop taking heroin if that’s what you want to do. And I have known other drug addicts who maintain a relative sense of normalcy and functionality in their lives without turning into complete shells of their former selves – although that’s rare and often temporary. But I’ve never seen anyone stick with their addiction without making some sort of sacrifice elsewhere in their lives.

Just as the asexuals showed me, you can have love without sex. But if sex is something you and your partner want and need, then that kind of compromise is going to prove difficult, especially if you are substituting your shared sex life with your private addiction. I don’t think your relationships fuck up just because you can’t fuck your girlfriends – it’s because you can’t commit yourself to your girl if you’re already committed to something else. As Lou Reed once sang (and as I once dramatically reinterpreted for an 8th grade speech class assignment that led to my suspension): “Heroin, it’s my wife and it’s my life.” And you can’t love your girlfriend just like she really needs – completely, with all of you – if you’re going to stay wedded to your wife.

Ask Slutever

Photos by Sandy Kim

I recently gave out some Slutever advice for Oyster magazine’s all-female issue. You can read it below. I also interviewed Aurel Schmidt for the same issue, which I posted a few weeks ago. If you can, get your hands on a copy! Totally amazing girlpower vibes!

1. Dear Slutever, My boyfriend has moved to Berlin for 5 months, but we’ve only been together for 3 weeks. What do I do if he asks me to take my top off on webcam?

Uh… take if off, duh. He’s your boyfriend, which means he’s allowed to see your boobs. Also, FYI, I don’t know what you guys have planned monogamy-wise while he’s gone, but it seems kind of crazy to devote yourself to someone you’ve only know for three weeks for five whole months. No sex for nearly half a year?! Technically speaking, your vagina might sew itself shut.

2. I’ve been on a few dates with my crush, but I find him really intimidating as I think he’s been with lots of girls. How can I be more “sexy”?

Boys have simple brains (especially when it comes to sex) which means they are pretty easy to manipulate. Basically, all you have to do to make a guy want you is to act like you don’t care about fucking him. Show up to your date looking like a babe, but then don’t come on strong; make him work for it. Aloof = sexy. See, simple! (Although TBH it’s not as simple as it seems. I have no fucking self-control and am probably the most un-aloof person on the planet. God, I hate myself, why can’t I take my own advice?)

Also, I’ll let you in on a little secret: sex isn’t complicated. You shouldn’t be intimidated by a guy with more experience than you, because for girls, there’s no way we can really “mess up”. Guys run the risk of not being able to get hard, or losing their boner, or cumming too quickly, so they have reasons to be nervous. But us girls have it easy. The worst thing you can do is to freeze up and get all weird and panicky, so just chiiill. And if all else fails, once you’re getting sexy, just starting giving him head (like praying, fellatio makes more of an impact when performed on the knees), then, after a minute or so look up at him and say, “Do I look good with your dick in my mouth?” They always say yes.

3. How many times can you drunk text a guy without him replying before you delete his number from  your phone?

I’d say once. Max two if you’re really desperate to fuck him, but beware that you might come across as a bit tragic. But I mean, we’ve all been there…

It’s kind of embarrassing to live your life based on advice you picked up from crap rom-coms, but in that movie He’s Just Not That Into You, the Mac Computer Guy says something really profound. He says, “If a guy wants to see you, believe me, he will see you.” And it’s true–if your crush wants to hang, he’ll get in touch. After you’ve sent him one drunk text, you’ve pretty much laid it out on the table: you want to fuck him. He gets it. There’s no other reason you were texting him at 1am. So now the ball is in his court, and if he never gets in touch again, it means he doesn’t want to fuck you. Sad face! #WhateverHeSucks

4. I have blonde hair, and when I wear red lipstick I either look crazy or like an actual whore. Why is this? What do I do? I own so many red lipsticks.

Wait, is looking like an actual whore bad? Says who? According to my favorite sex blogger SugarTits, there are three types of girls: girls who are cute, girls who are beautiful, and girls who have sex face. So maybe you just have sex face, but that’s certainly not something you should be complaining about.

Also, red lipstick with blonde hair is such a classic look. Have you ever heard of Marilyn Monroe? Jayne Mansfield? Gwen Stefani? Did they look like whores? Well… kind of, but that was the point. Also, here’s a makeup tip: although there are a select few girls who can pull off a full face of makeup, generally speaking you have to choose between a heavy eye or heavy lipstick, otherwise you just end up looking like a tranny and/or Christina Aguilera.

Ask Slutever

Photos by Nick Haymes

Dear Slutever,

I’m a 23 year old girl and I’ve always had a very high libido and been fairly sexually adventurous. The problem is, I seem to constantly make stupid choices when it comes to sex. If I’m feeling depressed, the way I cheer myself up is getting dressed up really sexy and going out and flirting with tons of guys, and then usually taking one home. They’re generally guys that aren’t that hot or cool–not the type I would seriously date–and I sort of get off on the fact that they are losers, which I guess is fine, bu I’d be too embarrassed to tell my friends about any of these guys, because I’m scared they would judge me.

I also feel bad because sometimes I fuck guys just because they fulfill a specific fantasy of mine. Like a couple months ago I slept with a Spanish guy just because I had been masturbating to the idea of fucking someone of “his type” recently, and then afterward I felt like I had used him. Aren’t we supposed to have sex with people because we actually like them, rather than because they look like someone you orgasmed to in your head? Also I had sex with two boys at once, and even though I loved it in the moment, the next morning I felt like a total slut and ashamed, and like a respectable woman would never do that. I feel conflicted because on one hand I love being sexually adventurous, but at the same time (and I know this sounds mega cheesy) I get jealous when I think about these girls with perfect sex lives when mine seems to be so unglamorous. lol. HELP. Anonymous

Back in my early twenties, during one of my more intense self-destructive sex addict phases, this older guy I was sleeping with said to me: “The hole you’re trying to fill, Karley, isn’t in your pussy, your ass or your mouth. You need to figure out what’s missing in your life and tend to it, otherwise you’re just going to end up fucking yourself into oblivion.” Apparently the statement resonated with me, because I’ve continued to ponder it for years afterward.

From what you wrote about sleeping with people to aid your depression, it seems like you use sex as a way to distract yourself from whatever is bothering you in your life. You feel bad about yourself so you go and fuck someone because you see sex as an “achievement.” Sex makes you feel good, wanted, desirable–afterward it’s almost like you accomplished something. Instant gratification. Well, I can definitely relate to those impulses. It’s almost like using sex as a form of therapy, which I don’t think is always a bad thing, but maybe you should take some time to work out what it is about yourself or your life that you’re unhappy with and make it better, otherwise, as the wise old man said, you’re just going to end up fucking yourself into oblivion. Or getting herpes.

No one has the perfect sex life. What does that even mean? We’ve all experienced guilt in relation to sex, or regretted sleeping with someone, or fucked someone we didn’t really like just because we were horny. If you’re the sort of person who sleeps with a lot of people, these little hiccups are going to happen from time to time. Also, who says it’s wrong to fuck someone because they fulfill a fantasy? There are many reasons people have sex–because we’re horny or lonely or in love or possessive or thrill-seeking or whatever. I don’t think any of them are “wrong.” Who says love has to be what motivates us to have sex? Why can’t we just want sex because we’re bored? A lot of the sex I’ve had in my life I did just because I knew it would make a good story later. Who cares?

Basically, random hook-ups will make you feel good momentarily but in the long run they won’t cure your depression. And in the meantime you need to stop feeling so guilty about the sex you’re having, because as long as you’re being careful then you’re allowed to fuck losers and Spanish people and be DP’d and essentially be as unglamorous as you like, because there are no rules, and if nothing else you’ll have lots of interesting stories to share later in life.

I’m a 20 year old girl and I’ve been having sex since I was 14. Like every other teenager, I spent most of my adolescent sex life hoping I’d remembered to shave my armpits and praying I didn’t queef. I feel reasonably better enlightened now, but am still confused about something: I have been able to give myself clitoral orgasms since I was like 13, and other people have given me them too. But when you (and about every other girl on the planet) talks about cumming, either during sex or on your own, do you mean a clitoral orgasm? Because I’ve tried to have a vaginal one for years, by having sex in freaky as fuck positions, fucking for like a million years, or imagining Tom Selleck’s dick or whatever, and nothing works. I know that some girls can’t, or don’t until they’re 60 (when they have a Samantha Jones sexual turn). But even when I have an orgasm during sex, it’s still a clitoral one (through stimulation), and even though I’m being fucked, the dickage is just kind of a nice extra feeling below. Am I just semantically confused and the world is actually talking about what I’m experiencing when they talk of orgasms during sex, or am I missing out on a whole plethora of orgasmic fun? Mel, SF

Thank fucking god. You took the words right out of my mouth, literally. I, for one, can not have “vaginal orgasms,” or g-spot orgasms, or whatever is it you want to call them (if they even exist). When I cum during sex it’s from clitoral stimulation, either from my own finger (most likely) or from the guy’s fingers, or from getting on top and sort of grinding my clit against the guy’s stomach area. For years I was convinced that every girl who talked about having g-spot orgasms was straight-up lying, however at this point enough trustworthy people have sworn to me that they’ve experienced the elusive g-spot climax that I guess I believe it’s true. Although TBH, in the back of my mind I still wonder whether those people are just fundamentally confused about what they’re feeling and where.

But yes, as you so eloquently put it, “the dickage is just kind of a nice extra feeling below.” For me, on a purely physical level, sex doesn’t feel better than masturbating. It’s actually the other way around, because my orgasms are more intense when there isn’t some idiot distracting me. However sex is obviously more “fun” than jerking-off because it’s interactive and unpredictable and you get to perform and all that stuff–sort of like being in a real life porno! And also there’s the whole emotional element of sex that can add to the intensity of the experience or whatever… although I’ve never been so good at that part, so maybe I’m not the best person to ask about that.

Basically, I think every vagina is different, and some girls were just blessed with talented vaginas that can cum through internal stimulation. Lucky bitches. Unforch, you and I are not those girls, and I doubt I will ever suddenly get to a point when it will just happen for me, because like you I’ve exhausted most of the position/duration/partner sex combos and have had no luck. Or even gotten close.

The moral of the story is: I hate my vagina.

Ask Slutever for IDLM

Dear Slutever, I’m a fairly heavy heroin user. I’ve been doing it off and on since I was twenty-one (I’m turning thirty in a few months), and have been seriously addicted for the last five years. I do not use needles (I snort it), but my use is a good deal heavier than most junkies I’ve known. When I have the money I can use up to twenty bags a day, whereas most users hover somewhere in the three to four range. Most of my sexual life has been spent in relationships. From my high school sweetheart on I found myself losing my libido as the relationship progressed, to the point where I would not want sex even though I still found the person in question very sexy, and would even at times masturbate to the thought of a girlfriend perfectly willing to have sex with me.

My last girlfriend did not know I was using drugs and a huge part of our breakup revolved around my refusal to fuck her, even not being able to get it up sometimes. I found her very sexy and wanted to be with her but my libido just dropped off a cliff after the sixth month. I now have gotten down to masturbating about once a week just to release fluids and neither my mind nor body crave sex in the least. I enjoy sex and miss it and wonder if there is any problem with me other than the drug use, and if there is a possibility that I might be able to raise my libido without quitting my vice. Alexander 

Well, heroin use is widely known to decrease libido, specifically in men. I know you are asking me for a way to solve your problem without quitting your vice, but it’s sort of a difficult question considering your vice is the problem. I dated a guy on heroin for a while a few years ago, and his problem was that he could never cum. He wanted to have sex, but then he would go on for ages with no orgasm. And you’d think a guy that could last a long time would be a good thing, but I could tell he wasn’t even enjoying the most of the time–he was mainly just was continuing on out of frustration. Our sex would normally end with me having a neck ache and a dried up, swolen vagina, and him being angry. It was really awful and I don’t know why I did it for as long as I did. The fact is, even if you’re a functioning user and can hide it from girlfriends, you’re going to be a sexual disappointment to the girls you date. Girlfriends like sex (duh) so if you’re choosing heroin over sex, then I can see why girls would dump you. So I guess you have to choose.

My advice would be to quit heroin because heroin sucks. I could go into why, however I feel that is unnecessary given the near infinite information available on the subject. And that guy I was talking about before: he’s in jail now and the last time I saw him he has a bunch of red sores all over his face. No one wants to fuck a prisoner covered in sores. Fact.

Dear Slutever, I’m 17 and have my first boyfriend (I realize I’m sad, don’t worry). We haven’t had sex yet which is fine, but the issue is that I can’t get him to cum. Like seriously, how hard can it be?! In a panic I tragically had to Google how to give head but I was already doing what the websites told me to, but it just doesn’t work on him. Could you give me some tips or even a breakdown of what I should be doing. Maybe hand tips too, seeing as I need mouth breaks from his impossible-to-please dick. Kelly 

Communication is totally key in this sort of situation! It’s not weird to ask someone what they want in bed. It would be weird if you were like, “OMG what is wrong with your dick!” but it’s not weird to say, “Tell me what you want me to do… I’ll do whatever you want.” Actually, just saying that will probably turn him on. (Disclaimer: you don’t actually have to do whatever he wants if you don’t want to, but you can say it anyway.) Good communication really does make sex better, I promise, so we should all start talking about sex and what we turns us on and what we love and don’t love with our lovers right now.

In terms of BJ/HJ advice, guys are more visual than girls, so maybe give him some sexy visuals to turn him on, like take your shirt and bra off really slowly or whatever. Also, a good BJ tip (if the guy is lying down on his back) is to get on your hands and knees and place your body perpendicular to his, this way he can look at your entire body while you suck his dick, which is hot. Also if you’re giving a BJ and/or HJ and you want the to finish, it’s important to get into a rhythm with your mouth/hand and not to break from it. So basically at the beginning you can do lots of sexy licking and add in frills or whatever, but at the end just do the same thing over and over. Also, if you’re going through all this trouble for him then he should also be working hard to make you cum too. Just sayin’. Also, just a thought… maybe your bf is gay?

Dear Slutever, Last night my family threw a block party. My (female) cousin was in town partying too. I’m 23, she’s 17 and insanely hot. Shit got boring because alcohol was in short supply, so the two of us went to my room and play Xbox. I kept killing her and taunting her, and she got (mock) angry and started talking shit back to me. Eventually we settled on a bet: whoever dies next has to masturbate in front of the other person. Then she died. I was super nervous at this point, so I tried to play it off as if we were never serious about it, but she (also really nervous) said a “promise is a promise”. This was fucking awesome for me, because I’ve been fantasizing about this girl for years. So she was doing it (pants down, but underwear on) and I had the biggest boner I’ve ever had. I finally worked up the courage to sit closer to her, she kept going, and I leant over and kissed her. And she kissed me back! I felt her boob, she stopped masturbating and started rubbing my cock. Long story short she gave me a blow-job and then we went to our separate rooms. Fucking A. But now she’s really upset. She hasn’t told anyone what happened, but she’s been crying, and asking me why I raped her! WTF! She’s saying it’s statutory rape even if she did say it was okay, and I’m worried I’m going to be completely fucked (figuratively and literally, once I’m in prison for underage incest sex!). What should I do? John, NM  

Jeez Louise, you really got yourself into a pickle. Have you seen that movie The Dreamers? Total incest vibes, and there’s a scene in it similar to what you just described, except they never make it to the blow job. You should watch it though, I think you’d be into it. Anyway, I personally don’t think there’s anything wrong with hooking up with your cousin. And I can imagine the “wrongness” aspect of it would make the situation hotter. (And it’s not like it’s your sibling or your mom or something, which even I have to admit is kind of weird.) So, if things went down as you said they did then you are not a rapist. However the problem with fucking 16/17 years olds is that they can always pull the statutory rape card. Selfish little cunts! This is why it’s probably better to not take the risk on the underagers, even though I believe most 17 year olds are completely mentally and physically capable of deciding who they want to fuck with and when. (Why the age of consent in America is 18, I have no clue…) But anyway, my advice is to sit down with your cousin and talk rationally about what happened. Explain that you never meant to hurt her, and that what happened was a result of decisions made by both of you. Talk about how if she started telling people you raped her that you could go to jail for a very long time. Hopefully she’s just a bit overwhelmed right now and will calm down soon. Yikes… :/

Ask Slutever, AKA Ask Josh (part 2)

Is this a photo of someone you want advice from???

My good friend Josh Rawson from the band The Felice Brothers has, yet again, contributed some wisdom nuggets for Ask Slutever. I’m feeling a small amount of resentment as I post this because I’m afraid that Josh is actually better at giving advice than me, but, as they say, “Don’t hate. Appreciate!” Whatever. Enjoy!

Recently my girlfriend dumped me. Even though we were only going out for six months I really love her and wanted a future with her. I can get through workdays OK, but when I get home on my own it hits me and I get really depressed. One reason she gave for breaking up with me was that I was too nice to her–she is used to being treated horribly. I try my best to treat others as I would like to be treated, to get my friends, family and loved ones gifts, and not to be mean to anybody, because that just makes me feel awful. Are there girls out there that like being treated well, who are nice back? I’m not that good looking and I’m feeling totally unconfident. I’m beginning to think there’s something wrong with me. Adam, VT

Josh: Oh Adam, no one wants to be the king of Bummertown, so just take a second and relax. I hate to break it to you but your ex is the worst. And the fact is, it’s true: no one likes people who are nice to them. Sorry. We all want someone who is too cool to actually be nice. But being cool really sucks—looking off into the distance forever, listening to lo-fi post house rape rap trance for a second and then declaring it dead, always waiting for American Apparel to call you back about a modeling gig, pretending like you’re too deep in a dreamy haze to even recognize people, waiting two weeks to reply to a text that simply says “what’s up?”—well those things all suck. Sounds like you really fucked up by being kind. You should just be drunk all the time and make fun of her in front of your friends. That’s some sexy shit. Get over her. You seem like a decent guy. Don’t take everything so seriously. Relax a bit. Don’t be super sensitive. And what’s with this ‘I’m not that good looking’ bullshit? We are all just a mess of body parts. It’s just a bunch of skin and dicks and noses and legs and breasts and hair and sometimes ponytails. What’s the difference? It’s all the same stuff. If the internet has taught us anything, it’s that weird looking people get laid on the regs. Watch VH1, those people are the real ugly ones. Everyone has something wrong with them. It’s called being a human being walking around eating, sleeping, trying to fuck things, and eventually dying. Just try to have some fun or something. Listen to “Kokomo” by the Beach Boys, drink a Capri Sun, and watch the clouds roll by.

Dear Slutever, I met this guy through friends about four years ago. We’ve been texting/emailing pretty constantly since and I’m meeting up with him next month. Already that’s weird because I have no idea why he would wait this long to meet me, but I REALLY like him, he’s my exact type! But the only thing is, I think he’s a pretty major virgin. And I’m pretty much the opposite of that. We’re going to a bar, just the two of us, so I’m PRETTY sure it’s a date. How can I make him want me and not freak him out? HELP! Annie, UK

Wear a Kangol hat like LL Cool J. Tell him all about how taking gluten out of your diet really changed your life. If there’s any awkward silences immediately start freestyling. Type out a list of your sexual history. Get a little poetic with it but don’t bog down the prose too much. The real point is to intimidate him. Fear is an aphrodisiac. Keep freestying even if it’s not going well. Maybe throw in a couple Rick Ross verses he might not notice.  Tell him you wish the movie the Bucket List had “more fucking” in it. Or just act how you normally act and I’m sure it will go fine. You guys will laugh and drink and hold hands at the perfect moment and kiss with your eyes closed.

I’m 17, a senior in high school, gay and boyfriendless. My question: how do you meet people on the internet? How do you establish a real good connection? There is a super sexy man who lives in the UK who I want to have a long distance relationship with, but I’m afraid that if I make the wrong move I will blow any chance ever. What do I say? Do I just send him an email!? Also, there is the problem of my age. Should I lie and say that I’m already 18? I’m turning 18 in June, so it’s not like it’s a big deal or whatever, but I don’t want to scare him away. I have also never had a boyfriend before, because none of the gay people I know are good enough for me. I feel like if I miss my chance I will not have a boyfriend for a very long time. He is everything I want and need and I will not find another man like him for a long time. What do I do!?

1. Type in “meet people on the internet” into Google.

2. Establish a real good connection by sending him blurry mysterious photos. Type things in an email. Type sentences. Type sentences that end with exclamation points so he knows you are psyched. Type sentences where the grammar is so bad that they could mean many different things. Type those smiley face things ;(  at random. Type XXs. Type lots and lots of Xs, fill entire emails with them. Make the subject “establishing real good connection”.

3. Say “let’s not blow any chance ever obvs,” for good measure.

4. Write him an email. See answer 2 for more details.

5. Scare him. Tell him your real age.

6. Everything you want and need may not have to do with sending emails to strange English men on the internet. Just guessing.

7a. Hanging out with people in real life is kinda cool.

7b. It’s actually cooler cuz you can high five with real people. Share snacks. And like be outside with them. Near trees. Maybe a waterfall. Oh yeah you can gaze at a waterfall while holding hands. You gotta try that shit. Unreal. You’ll totally not even wanna check your email. You’ll just be like “Damn those birds be singing real pretty right now. These butterflies colors be fucking my head up for real. Oh I like you squirrel. Fuck Craiglist.”

8. You’re 17, I’m sure you will meet more people. It’s at least a possibility.

9. This whole thing kinda seems like a bad idea.

10. Don’t write him an email. Disregard answers 2, 3 and 4.