Dating 101: My Mom

Photo by Nan Goldin

Dear girls,

Finding someone who wants to fuck you back can be really hard! Dating is so stressful and scary and convoluted. There’s so much to think about, so many uncertainties. How long should I wait to text him back? Does this dress make my arms looks fat? Should I or should I not bring up my bastard child? Do second cousins count as incest? How soon is too soon for anal? AHH! It’s too much! And all for someone who could potentially give us AIDS.

But fear no more, because I’m going to help us get this situation under control. For the next few weeks I will be posting interviews with a variety of amazing, intelligent, sexually powerful women, and in these interviews I’m going to ask all the questions us girls have always wanted to know about the mysteries of the coital dance. Now the goal here isn’t to work out how to “bag a man.” (Pleeease, everyone knows clit is power.) This is just some friendly girl-on-girl advice on a subject that’s been confusing the fuck out of everyone since the dawn of the crush. Because all we really want is someone to love—someone to stroke our hair and pay for half of the abortion, who gives us semi-regular orgasms and pretends they don’t mind when we get our period all over their bed, slasher movie style. Is that too much to ask?

EXPERT 1: MY MOTHER

Why she knows: My mom started dating my dad when she was 16. She’s now 52, which means they’ve been together for roughly 100 years. I’m pretty sure they still fuck too, because I recently found a bottle of lube in her bedside table while sneakily searching for her Ambien prescription. So if anyone knows anything about maintaining a sexy, long lasting relationship, it’s my mom!

Mom, what are your tips for making good first impression?
Well, it wouldn’t hurt to put a sweater on once in a while. Dressing too sexy gives off the impression that you’re a show off, and that you’re cheap. I’m not saying you have to dress like a nun, but you shouldn’t wear a sign on your back that says ‘I’m a slut’ either.

So what should I wear then?
The rule of thumb is, you can’t do boob and leg at the same time. It’s either a short skirt or a low top; both together and you look trashy. Also black is good because it’s slimming, and a pair of ankle boots are always cute.

When you like someone, how long is an appropriate time to wait before sleeping with them? Longer than one hour?
Ideally I would say you should wait until you are married, although I know these days that’s unrealistic. But sleeping with someone before you’re sure that you love them is a bad idea, because then you feel bad about yourself the next day. And the double standard still exists—women are judged more harshly than men in their decision to give it up. I’m sorry, but it’s true.

What are some qualities us girls should be looking for in a mate?
You need a man who can fix stuff—someone who can change a tire, fix the broken pipe under the sink, and also cook a good bowl of pasta. I know that probably doesn’t seem very appealing now, but believe me, one day you will thank me for that advice. Stay away from people who smoke, because they stink and die early. Also stay away from jealous people. If a guy is jealous or thinks you’re cheating, it probably means he’s cheating. I learned that from Oprah.

Lol. Anything else?
Avoid people with bad hygiene. If somebody looks dirty that’s a definite turn off for me. I would never go near anyone who didn’t shower regularly or have sheets on their bed. Although I don’t know, maybe at your age I would have.

What is your ultimate dating tip?
I think what’s most important is to take the hints that are given you. If he doesn’t like you, move on! It’s not attractive to linger or be pathetic. We’ve all seen He’s Just Not That Into You. And I know that’s just a silly movie but there is definitely a lot of truth in it.

You and dad seem like you’re still pretty hot for each other. What are some of your top tips for in the bedroom?
I’m not discussing this with you.

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